My mom has dementia, she is almost 80. She lives with her long time boyfriend who is a narcissist and is abusive and controlling, please help.

westovers04 and arrussell,
I am in the same situation. Mom with dementia's narcissistic, abusive boyfriend is now in her house. Lying to her about friends and family in order to turn her against them. She now parrots the lies that he feeds her. Recently got a harrassment order against him so that I could visit without fear of physical or verbal abuse. I need to see if that helps in any way, but knowing him, he is probably scheming up something new to keep the family away.

Great advice given here by people who've been in similar situations. You may need an elder law attorney to sort this out. It seems more than you'll be able to handle on your own.

Please keep us updated so that we know how you are doing.
Carol

I know and feel everything everyone says here!!!!! My moms controlling loveless narcissistic manipulative cunning hostile jealous angry sob of a boyfriend has lied to her about me, lied to the staff at gull creek AL facility and to my aunt who has financial POA. I've called the ombudsman but that was a week prior to her move in. I'm going to call again tomorrow. I'm not the type to give up!! I refuse! My mom needs me and my son! We will not allow this to continue! He's locked me out of the house and is refusing my calls! I'm so distraught!

Also would you mind if I asked what state you live in, I live in CA and they are horrible. It seems that all agencys are overwhelmed, understaffed and incompetent. Or they flat out just don't care. This worries me when I think of making her a ward of the state. Will she be better off I don't know.

Lisa thanks for the input. I have tried that. I speak to him, he sits and listens then refuses to speak to me in person or on the phone sometimes for years after. It's an ongoing pattern. And a very effective way of controlling others. If I enter the house my mom gets stressed out. If I confront him she cries.

arrusell - could you please tell me how you got the medical forms declaring her incompetent. I know her the doctor that diagnosed her with dementia but I thought I might need a court order for that info. Did the lawyer help you with this. Also good luck with the guardianship hearing. Please let me know how it goes and I would appreciate any other info you can give me.

I'm sorry but if this was my Mother I would enter the house. Pull this gentleman to the side and voice my concerns and things you are going to intiate. I would inform him that if he has chosen to be the designated care giver then he is responsible for her medical needs and if they are ignored he will be held accountable leagally. I would also input your appreciation of him recognizing your Mother's decline and if you feel at anytime he is neglectful or unresponsive to questions you have, her family you will take it up with the State Agency. This is to be said in a quite and calm manner. There is no need to be nasty. It is also finding your voice and letting it know his attitude is unacceptable. You are not running him off. There must have been some characteristics your Mother liked about this man but it is also stating to him you will not be ignored. I too believe in God and everything in his time. Difference is yur Mother's Mind is not clear from a disease and you want this Man making descions I don't feel he is qualified to do. He is probably scared about his life without her. Where will he go? I assume this is her house? Also you need to talk with an Eldercare Attorney. Good Luck

Third-party guardianship effectively makes your loved one into a ward of the state. I realize that part sounds awful, but so far from what I've learned it can be a good solution when other options aren't viable. You would hire an estate lawyer (or i think you could go through area council on aging for lower-cost legal assistance) who petitions the probate court to declare your mom incapacitated. Medical affidavit(s) are required that declare the person incompetent. The petition proposes a certified guardian be put in charge of the person, her estate, or both. When 3rd-party guardianship is awarded, the guardian is bound by law to make decisions solely in the ward's best interests. The guardian is paid from the ward's estate. After extensive research I do feel pretty comfortable with this - guardians have to certified, and must file comprehensive annual reports to the court that account for all expenditures, etc. I spoke at length on the phone with my mom's proposed guardian, and feel like we are starting off with a good relationship based on concern for my mom and communication. My mom lives in Texas, and I found a very comprehensive explanation of guardianship on the state's department of aging services website. The guardianship hearing takes place week after next, after which time I'll have more experience to relate. I know my mom is not happy about this step I'm taking, but I truly believe its the most caring, ethical and responsible option for my and her situation.

Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry your going thru this although for me it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that someone else has a similar situation. I too am frightened and intimidated by the boyfriend, so I call her less and less. It is so painful to hear her cold tone of voice when shes been my best friend for ever. I have also begun to send letters and pictures although I'm not sure if he gives them to her. I beleive that he also has her convinced that I just want money. I honestly don't think that he understands love at all. Anyway could you tell me a little more about the 3rd party guardianship, this is the first time I've heard of it.

Your situation is similar to mine. My 82 YO mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's; she has a controlling, verbally abusive boyfriend essentially living with her. He's convinced her to shut me out of medical decisions, has threatened to sue me, and has her convinced that I'm after her money. I am petitioning for 3rd party guardianship, since I live across the country. Assuming its awarded, I will know that at least my mom is getting the medical and day-to-day care she needs, as well as protection for her finances (including protection FROM the boyfriend). He frightens and intimidates me, so my calls and visits have become less frequent.
To some degree I too have had to accept that my mom chose this man when she was of sounder mind. I may never be able to remove him from her life, but there are a few things I can do to let her know I love her. The best suggestion I got was to send her letters and cards, with bits of news and pictures of her grandchildren. It lets her know I'm thinking about her and still love her and miss her, no matter what the boyfriend says.

Thank you for your kind words. I think that I have come to that conclusion too. She chose this man when she was in her right mind and has continued to stay with him. I have tried everything I can and keep coming to a dead end. So I'm going to give it to God and trust him. I know he will make all things right in the end.

I'm so sorry; I was hoping that would not be the case for you. I believe you when you say you were transferred 6 times. The system can be horribly ineffective. I hate saying this, but unless she is being neglected or abused, you may have to allow her to live her life the way she says she wants to. You have done what you could do. The only thing left would be to report the daughter who you say has POA and lives in another state, but you would have to prove she is neglecting her responsibilities with your mother. I wish I could be more helpful. I hope you find some peace knowing you did what you could.

Yeah I just spoke with my Area Agency on Aging and they referred me to APS who transferred my to 6 different people (not kidding) who all seemed more interested in arguing with me and telling me that just because my mom has an alzheimers diagnosis doesn't mean she can't make decisions. Also he told me that he doubted that the social worker told them what county I live in. So there is no one to help me. I don't know what eles to do. In her present state she doesn't want to be helped. Do I just give up???

Thank you for your ideas, I will try what you have suggested. I never thought of the media.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope your Area Agency has it's own ombuds program so they can do a separate investigation and not use APS. I live in OH and I know my local AA has it's own investigative resources. Have you considered contacting your local media? It may not help you directly with your mother, but shining the light on the lack of follow-through from APS might garner some support for you.

I tried Elder Abuse in LA county also LAPD non emergency line to report it as a crime. They both referred me to Adult Protective Services which I contacted. They paid my Mom a visit. The social worker told me that they both sat on the couch together hugging and professing their love for eachother and that I am crazy. The social worker was also "kind" enough to tell them which county I live in, and I'm the only person they know that lives in that county. So thats how he found out that I reported him. The social workers name is Vanya Piune, I called to report her for giving away my anonymity and her supervisor was no help at all. He promised to go back out and visit my mother and also promised to call me back but he did neither and then I just gave up in frustration because it was making everything worse anyway. Now my mother was angry with me and speaking to me in a tone I have not heard since I was a child, 40 years ago. My mom and I have had a very close loving relationship for nearly all of my life and this is breaking my heart. She has always chosen this man over me and my brother but at least when she was in her right mind, he did not influence her feelings for us and she would not allow him to limit the time she spent with us. I have contacted 2 lawyers in person because I have a copy of their living trust. But I don't have the $6,000 needed to fight this. I also contacted Bet Zedek legal services in an to attempt to gain conservatorship (because thats what the lawyers suggested) but they said that the size of her estate prevents them from helping me. I've also tried out of state Elder Abuse hot lines (Pennsylvania) which referred me to a Domestic Violence Agency, they said that there is nothing that can be done if my Mom is going along with it. But she has dementia! she now thinks that whatever he wants is what she wants. Now she is cheated out of a relationship with her beloved grand kids and is completely isolated and controlled by someone who is angry, unreasonable and driven only by what suits him, not whats best for her. When I got her into a clinical trial at USC she was very excited and liked going, they gave her counseling and medical exams and she was able to participate in experimental drug trials to treat alzheimers. It gave her hope. But he decided to stop taking her because "He didn't believe in it" he knows better than the doctors you see. When I offered to take her myself she sounded excited and wanted to go, I took the day off work got ready to go pick her up but then she called and "changed her mind". The social worker at USC was very upset and was one of the people who counseled me to report the boyfriend. This social worker also has reported the boyfriend to APS. My last attempt to find help was to write a letter to the county supervisor Zev Yuroslavsky but I have not heard a reply. I feel like I'm screaming and no one is listening and I cannot help my Mom. I will try the Agency on Aging but I'm pretty certain they will refer me to APS. Also the boyfriend has given his daughter who rarely visits, (she lives out of state) POA over my mom. I tried speaking to her last night about my concerns but she was extremely defensive and the conversation went nowhere. Does anyone have any other ideas, please can you help.

westovers04, you say you can't get any help from state organizations...why is that? I would definitely try to exhaust any local county agency that advocates for seniors. I would talk to an elder law attorney to see if you can obtain guardianship or poa of your mother.

I'm surprised that no one has looked into this as elder abuse. Did you try your county social services? You may have to see an elder law attorney to see if there is a way you can intervene. If your mom didn't have dementia, then you likely couldn't do a thing, but if she has a diagnosed case, there may be some legal help. You could try your Area Agency on Aging to see if they have any ideas about local help.
Good luck. This is heartbreaking.
Carol