We recently convinced my father to try an assisted-living facility. He was living alone since his wife passed away about 1.5 years ago. His dog also died about 8 months ago. He is very depressed. He saw a psychologist and got on anti-depressants, but immediately went off them because of the side effects he did not like.
He was complaining constantly about how lonely he was and all he wanted to do was die. His house was a complete mess. We had a part-time care giver coming in, but I found out he was usually telling her to leave.
He can barely walk, has COPD and uses Oxygen. He is a heavy smoker. He is incontinent to the point where he uses an adult urinal and leaves those half filled things all over the house. In the kitchen he sat with one candle lit, blinds drawn, smoking. A very bad situation. My sister, who is local, would get called 5 times a day at work, and he would ask if she was coming over tonight. She has no life of her own and is also on Xanax. He's driving her crazy!
I had him at my home out of state recently for a visit. Couldn't believe he came. He broke all my rules. My son has asthma and cannot have smoke in the air. I have a wonderful covered screened in porch, which he would not use for smoking. Smoked in my house. Threw garbage on the floor, etc., would not bathe. We finally asked him to leave and took him back home. Then he was just going to show up on my doorstep.
He is overbearing and nasty. I'd love to have my old father back.
Fast forward: finally he tried assisted living. A nice facility; good food. He hasn't complained too much about the food. BUT now he insists on going back home. He says he really hates it. Still calls my sister 5 times a day complaining. Wants us to visit constantly. Won't get involved in any activities; just poo-poos the whole thing. Caught smoking in his room. I had to go in to see the director just like a kid in school who misbehaves. Just in a continually bad mood. Won't take any medication now. Constant guilt trips on how he wishes were were Italian because "they take care of their people". There's only two of us, I am out of state. My sister works full time and both of our houses have steps, which he cannot navigate; he's in a wheel chair now. Still no bathing; seems to refuse it.
Sorry for the rambling, but I could go on. Spoke with a lawyer; high bar for guardianship and would destroy our relationship probably.
How to convince him to stay? Oh, and since he's a vet he could get the time and attendance pension and stay there for very little. Leave more money for maybe a casino trip--I'm using that as an inducement.
Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone has any ideas or ways to approach, I'd appreciate it.
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I'd advise developing a good relationship with the director of the AL. Your dad's smoking could turn into a major issue and you don't want him to get kicked out. Also, the other residents may ostracize him and that wouldn't help him to like the place any better. Ask the director if there's another smoker who takes regular cigarette breaks. It might help him to be introduced to someone who is following the community's smoking rules. They might become smoking buddies which would be a good thing in many ways. AL staff are usually pretty good at matchmaking.
this place is absolutely chokingly filled up with disaster stories of people who made the mistake of taking in or having a parent/in-law or having one forced on them. read a few stories ever day just to remind yourself.
i would encourage him to revisit the psychiatrist again, there are a lot of different meds to try. some have less side effects than others.
going into a NH is a difficult transition. no one likes the lack of control over their own life, no one wants to live by someone else's rules, eating and sleeping by someone else's schedule. it's going to take time for him to get used to.
don't buy into his guilt trips. if he continues to insist on guilting you, limit your exposure to him. when my mother did the guilt, i'd just say, "I can't talk to you now, bye", and hang up.
on the smoking, i think it's perfectly reasonable for the director or nurses to take his cigarettes away from him and keep them at the desk. he can stop there and pick them up on his way outside to smoke. he's lucky to have found a place where it's even allowed, must be a Veteran's place. (i'm a Vet too)