Mom and I have always been VERY close, I am her only child, she had 4 miscarriages after me so she clings to me. Dad died in 1980. She has the usuaI senior aches and pains (arthiritus, vision, hearing), uses a walker to walk but her mind is fairly sharp, altho she is starting to ask the same questions over and over and gets confused occasionally, she is 87yo.I have been her care giver for over 3 years and havent had any more than a few hours by myself.
I finally have a chance to have respite, I mentioned this to mom to give her time to adjust to the idea, now she is pouting and acting mad at me, making me feel guilty for suggesting respite. Respite will only be a few hours once a week, I was planning to leave after breakfast and her a.m. meds (10a.m.) and be home in time for dinner (5-6pm). I feel she is being selfish by not giving me time for myself but she gets her feelings hurt very easily so i dont want to tell her how I feel. I really dont mind caring for her but 24/7/365 is too much!! Occasionally I get perturbed with her and speak harshly and regret it later. I try to talk to her as if it might be the last words I say to her but its getting more and more difficult. I drove a otr truck for 20 yrs and only came home once or twice a month for a couple days so I have no friends locally, all my friends are truck drivers and not living nearby. The closest relatives are 1,000 miles away and we're not very close anyway. I'd appreciate suggestions on how to get mom to accept me being a way a few hours a week. She has me feeling guilty so I wouldnt enjoy myself on respite anyway. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to vent.----Mike
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The way that I was able to introduce caregivers was to invite them to visit several times so that they could get to know him, and to see if the relationship was viable.
That way, they became friends to us, and he now looks forward to seeing them.
Regardless of our past relationships with our people, the changes to their brains cause them to be less sure of themselves, and as care needs grow, they don't always understand that we will be back, nor are they always capable of dealing with phone calls or people coming to the door when they are alone. ( My husband has aphasia, which affects his ability to communicate verbally).
Regardless of our past relationships, compassion is the key, and our need to rest and recoup will be most effective if we are able to leave them with a clear conscience that we have provided them with a trustworthy substitute for that time.
We all have a lot to learn about this stage of life, and I wish you well with your journey.
Wish I had, now I can't
Two things here, Mike.
I don't think you or anyone else is going to talk your mum into accepting that you need to go away. What jeanne suggested may work, or your mum may continue to resist the idea. - go anyway. I have found with my mother there is no point in trying to convince her of anything, so I just do what I think is right. She gets used to it. I don't think telling her how you feel will accomplish what you want.
Secondly the guilt that you are heaping on yourself, is not deserved. You are a caring son, who does much for his mother and who needs a break, and a life of his own. I have a feeling that your mother's hurt feelings will recover, She is pouting and acting mad to manipulate you into staying home 24/7. Her behaviour IS selfish, and possibly narcissistic. Older people can become that way as their worlds get smaller.Some people are born that way.
It does sound like you are reaching the end of your tether and you both would benefit from you having a break. Sometimes, as adults, we have to take the parent role with our parents and make sensible decisions, the same way they made them for us when we were children.
So even if you feel guilt - go anyway, and if at all possible, let the guilt go. You have nothing to feel guilty about - it is just your mum pushing your buttons. Go and enjoy yourself, do some things just for you, and keep doing that. Build up a life outside of your caregiving. For your mental health it is necessary.
Good luck and come Back and update us. .((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))
Seriously, parents love their young children above all else and would risk their lives to protect them, etc. etc -- and still need respite! They get a babysitter and go out on dates, right? And if the kids fuss at the notion, do they give up the idea of going out and let the kids make that decision? Not if they are sane they don't!
So you need to do this, regardless of Mom's reaction to it. It sounds like she is still cognitively pretty well with it. I think a nice calm matter-of-fact discussion with her, telling her how glad you are to be able to spend so much time with her but that you also need some time to yourself might work. Remind her that parents need to get away from their children once in a while, and husbands and wives need time to their selves occasionally, and this has nothing to do with how much love is present. Mom may honestly never thought of it in these terms, and perhaps if it is explained to her calmly a light bulb will go off.
But even if Mom can't accept the need for this, you still have to do it. No apologies. No negotiating. No scolding or pleading. Just do it.
Sigh. Isn't this harder than you ever expected it to be?
Good luck!
Jeanne