We just put my mother into an assisted living last week. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my siblings want her to go back home.

Jeannegibbs, right you are.... the situations are different and my intentions were not to be inappropriate ...I was just venting my situation with mom. I do apologize if I was "off track" there. But, guess I had a moment there. Also, I am not with her 24/7 because I work but other household members assist with the security part of it.

Again, my heart goes out to Maureen because for years I have worked with and around alzheimer residents and still do. I have taken extensive trainning as well on alzheimers. I have watched and assisted them in the phases of this dreadful disease. My heart has bled many days for the families.

My reasons against most facilities are very personal...I saw much of what goes on in some facilities, that paint such beautiflul pictures. Thats when I made a personal vow concerning my mom. I think there maybe some great facilities out there...it has to be...sounds like you may have found one (whoo-hoo)! I am happy for you guys.

Maureen, I trust and believe that the Lord will send efficient angels to love and take good care of your mom in the facility. There are some really great people in the mix....you, your mom and your sibblings will be in my prayers also....doing what is safer and more feasible for your moms best interest sounds like a plan. I think, one of the greatest gift you/sibblings can give mom at this point is lots of love and support....support as in making daily or frequent un-announced visits to her facility to see her.

Often times from some of the staff eyesight....this signifies bundles of love and support and it does carry much weight...as far as the quality of care specifically in the later stage of this disease. The one who comes to see mom most will likely become the staffs favorite! You will be adored and because of you mom will be as well. In my eyesight, (and I'm sure others may feel the same)...I do not discriminate care and I feel everyone is VIP weather the family comes around or not.

There is a big open space in my heart for the elderly and I see a bit of my own mom thru the eyes of others. I am compelled to love and serve with all of my heart and after all these years I am not burned out....love conquers all...just my opinion.

And by the way, one week (or two weeks or three weeks) is not NEARLY long enough for a resident to settle in. What does the staff there say about how long it generally takes? I wouldn't take Mother's attitude about the place at face value the first few weeks.

Seriously, you should start the proceedings to become her gaurdian and not just her poa. Any court investigator out there would see that mom is where she can be cared for. Disagreements between sibs can also go again either sib when it comes to gaurdianship. With guardianship, the guardian can make the decision as to where or not mom lives in a facility or in home care. Dig in it could get nasty and the county public guardian could become moms guardian because the kids cannot agree.

617 etc. "Moms only wish is to die at home!!!!" Is she in fact dying now? Is she on hospice? If so, what does the hospice team think about returning her to her home? Many people with dementia live many years. (My husband is in his 10th year.) Until the end stage, doing what is best for their daily living is probably more important than doing what they want when they are dying, in my opinion.

bevel1, your situation is different in that your mother is with you 24/7. She is not in her own home living alone with intermittent support, which is what I understand maureeen's siblings are proposing. Most persons with dementia beyond the very earliest stage cannot safely live alone. That doesn't mean they necessarily need a care center, though a care center is often a good choice, especially if none of the relatives are able to provide 24/7 care. I hope your mother will always be able to stay with you. I also hope you will be open to doing what is best for you, if her needs drastically change.

Best wishes to you.

Sounds like the sisters just don't get it

"doing well because she is getting the care she needs and is taking her medications as prescribed."

My mom is no longer having seizures because the care she gets in the nursing home makes sure she takes her medicines as prescribed, etc. which she was not doing at home nor was her husband nor the helper at the house able to keep her on. My step-dad thinks she can come home now that she is stable. The is like a person with a mental illness stopping their meds because they are doing better without thinking that they are doing better because they are taking their meds. Yes, my mom wants to go home to, but along with it not being a safe environment, she is not a safe discharge with her dementia and total immobility, etc.

i also pray that Maureen's siblings eye's will be opened. it's not enough for their mom to be happy, she has to be safe too. i feel so blessed that my sister and i are in complete agreement.

You really find out what your siblings are made of when caregiving a parent. It can be heartbreaking and eye opening at the same time.

PamelasSue, I think you are correct on that. It is so devastating to see families torn apart because of Dementia...no matter what type it is. And families that refuse to even consider what is best for their elderly charge because they are trying to protect what they see as a monetary reward when the end comes. When my mother's husband passed away, my younger brother and sister traveled 800 miles to "bring her home where she belonged" and then promptly ignored her. She lived alone but couldn't drive. I took her shopping and to appt and visited when I could around my work schedule....she lived in the same town as the 2 youngest, I was 20 miles away. But that didn't stop either one of them from "borrowing" money from her. When she became ill she placed herself in a NH and stated that was what she wanted and she was happy. The 2 youngest still ignored her and the evening I sat with her while she was dying, I called the sister and told her she really should come to see Mom.....I was told "I'm sorry, I can't do that"..........I stated my unhappiness with that and to this day, that same sister calls me a bitch and we have not spoken for 2 years. It's horrible what happens to families who argue about their parent and I pray that Maureen and her siblings can come to some type of agreement so the same doesn't happen to them.

My mom has dementia. I keep her at home with me. I have had to take lots of safety measurements and it takes everyone in the household to understand and cooperate with her condition. Personally, sending her to a nursing home or assistant living facility is out of the question for me. I pray to God it will never come to that. Her doctor works along with me on the best options for her medically and that helps. However, when we are at home....the "ball" is totally in my corner.

I do understand alzheimers is a dreadful disease and I understand the dynamics of any family who may have to deal with this my heart goes out. Only lots of love have given me the patience to deal with my mom's dementia. There are really tough periods at times but we are mastering them all and taking it one day at a time with the help of the Lord. There are actually some beautiful days in between.....It could be better with more sibbling support though. I can understand your sibblings wanting your mom home and I can also understand you wanting her in a facility that can help. Have your family to weigh the pros and the cons ....ofcourse after they have first been educated on this disease. I think after they understand the process and nature of this disease they will then have a more feasible view....only then will they fully understand.

I see this is an older post but I would be interested in the outcome of this one and best wishes to you and your family....I hope everything worked out for you guys.

Maureen, My question would be, are you sure your sisters aren't seeing mom's money dwindling away, and any hopes of inheriting anything which is driving their agenda?

Your mother has Alzheimer's and may not be accurately reporting when she says she's not had her medicine...! I've been caring for my mom who has dementia. I can't tell you the number of times she has said she didn't get her medicine and we give it to her like clockwork. At this point she hardly even knows I'm her daughter- sometimes she thinks I'm her mother, another day I'm her older sister (she didn't even have an older sister). BUT unless you know all the facts or are with her when things happen, people have no idea she's as far along with the disease as she is. In fact, I've had people tell me she's pretty sharp for her age (91). Normally I would say whoever has spent the most time with mom should have the most input of where she will be. BUT the fact that she mixes up medicine and doesn't eat properly means that she needs full time help for her own safety!

Jam, I believe that miss 617 may very well be Maureen's sister; here to harass her.

There are some very good Alzheimer's support groups out there. Maybe you should take your sister to some so that she will (hopefully) become more educated on the diease and understand that what you are doing is for your mothers best interest. I work for 2 different NH and I can tell you it not a very easy diease for the family as well as the person who has it. The more your sister can understand about ALZ the better she will feel about what is happening. Good Luck to you, but dig your heels in for a long ride.

Maybe you can get on the internet and put together an educational DVD about alzheimers for your sisters. People don't always understand what we think should be easy to understand. Maybe if you put it all together for them and have them watch it they will understand that this is what is best for her.

It's funny that looking at your information page 6177 that your loved one is living in a facility.....so why are you so adamant that Maureen do the wrong thing and allow her mother to be sent home? Did you miss the part in her post where she says the physician, etc state that her mother should not be without supervision 24/7? That would be AKA not competent to care for herself. You sound like a very angry person and I'm sorry that you are having a problem with Maureen doing what is clearly in the best interests of her mother. Your post of 3 hours ago was a little confusing and I wonder what "any" doctor you are referring to......I'm married to one and he recommends a facility if needed.....my own personal physician, who is also my mil's physician, recommended to place her in a facility. Being in their own home or the home of children is not always the best thing. Sometimes their care is too overwhelming and is best left to the professionals outside the home. I stand behind the wise and loving decision that Maureen has made.

MO..LET SEE IF YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL HER!!!

Mo - you are right, your siblings are not realistic.

Posts like yours make me glad to be an only child. Although my DH has 3 bros they were all kum-ba-ya on my MIL's care, that isn't the usual situation with siblings as so many of the posts on this site read.

Usually, if you're the offspring who's DPOA, you can do nothing right. If you try to help sort out your mother's finances, you're the greedy, grasping daughter (it's almost always a daughter) who's trying to wrest away Mama's little widow's mite. If you don't, you're the callous, negligent daughter who stands by and watches as poor old mom sink into squalor and poverty. You have to stick to your gut feeling to do what is best for mom and for you that means she stays in a facility.

The question is: Which kind of witch do you want to be?
(Hint: You can choose east or west. You will never get to be Glinda.)
Good luck and keep a sense of humor.

As a been there done that recipicant we can sympthize. Sounds like classic family members that have not cared for a Alzheimer's or dementia patient 24/7. We moved Mom in with us 6 years ago.They are remembering the old Mom not the current Mom. Stick to your guns. When Mom gets to the point where it starts to effect our health, we will consider other options as well.

HEY THERE MISS 617 blah blah blah... how about you go and move into mom's home then and provide ALL of the caregiving. you can bring your whole family, i am certain they will LOVE to come with you. you can do ALL the cooking, cleaning, feeding. you can clean up all the toilet misses. you can run around behind your mother picking up all the things she drops, putting out all the fires, literally and figuratively, that she might start. you can hand out all the medications. you can have middle of the night conversations or find her walking out the door and have to bring her back in over and over. sleep? what is sleep? and when it gets worse, you can wipe her drool up, you can wipe the crap off of her butt, or where it's run down her leg, and up her back as well. how's that?

yeah, i didn't think you had volunteered. i'm pretty sure that none of your siblings did either.

there is a point at which many elderly are unsafe to live by themselves. no, your mother doesn't like it. so would you rather drop in on mom some afternoon in her house and find she had fallen and broken her hip and been laying there for hours in horrible pain alone, or had not had anything to eat or drink for a few days and was ill, left something on the stove and the whole place burned down with her in it? THINK WITH YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART, because sometimes you have to do that.

what's best for mom is what mom wants Merrylu1!!

Merrylu1..I completely agree. It seems there is always one/two sibs who only want what works for them regardless of what is best for Mom. Just a few more layers of stress we caregivers have to deal with.

Maureen u forgot to mention one vital thing, Moms only wish is to die at home!!!! so is very unhappy where she is, "trained professionals" forgot to give her medication twice in one week, mom confronted tech and was told she received it but most likely forgot, she went to nurse to let her know that she did not receive am meds and low and behold nothing documented in book. Las night again had to track down the nurse at 8pm to find out why she was not given night meds, took RN 20 minutes to find tech, Any doctor would tell you that yes with help it's best to keep them home in their own enviroment!!! and with 24 hour care through the commonwealth it is 190.00 daily . Maybe u should pick up the phone and talk to her not at her!! when was the last time u spoke sunday?? You of all people should realize that relapse does not have = failure. I would think as the oldest daughter you would respect her wishes that's all she wants.. and remember the doctor did not say she was imcompetent

I agree with all the posts. I am the oldest and have POA for my mother. I just had to put her in Assisted Living (locked) because of much the same. She was also depressed and had been running away. I didn't want to do it because she could walk here every day, I could monitor her meds and make sure she drinks plenty of water but I had no choice. Now that it's done, she is much better even though her short term memory is bad and I am also much better. I didn't realize the stress I was under caring for her and how much it had taken a toll on me. As much as we care about our parents, we are not professional caregivers and one or even two people cannot replace a full time staff. Your sibling is more focused on what she wants than what is good for your mother. I know it's hard to stand firm on this issue with siblings but if you really care about your mother, you must do just that.

Let's think in terms of an even better outcome: your mom stays put AND there is peace among the siblings. You're all at different stages of accepting the harsh reality -- after all, what are the odds you'd all be at the SAME stage in the same moment? Your siblings saw your mom get "clearer" at the facility, and it sounds like maybe they got a spurt of something like hope that they could have things back the way they were. People post stories on this website that go "my mom is fine... or she isn't fine but all she wants is to die peacefully at home... and my sister is keeping her captive at the facility against all our wishes." Story after story after story of siblings in conflict when they are all struggling to deal with the hard facts of how things are. Tell your siblings something like "I so understand how hard it is to face what's happening here. Wouldn't it be great if we could turn back the clock on this disease which will get worse and worse, and what painful hope it inspires to see her seem to get better for a bit! It's so sad that taking her back home wouldn't bring her back to where she could be all right there, the way she once was." Don't agree to taking her home, but also don't make it about you getting your way: it's about your mom being where she needs to be, and about you and your siblings all going through some very painful adjustments that you can be compassionate about.

Dig in your heels -- up to your armpits if necessary! Mother is where she belongs.

Agree with keeping Mom in ALF. She made you POA for a reason. The person to act on her behalf when she was not able to make rational decisions herself.
Ask siblings if they are willing to move in with Mom and provide 24 hr. care. That will most likely get them off your back. Also, having Drs. and ALF staff educate them on Alzheimers may help. They don't need to be agitating Mom. She seems to be in better shape in the ALF. So this is where she needs to be.

I also am the POA for my mother who has Alzheimer's. You are her lifeline as her POA. Stick to your guns.Your mother is doing better because she has 24/7 care and all the progress that has been made with her routine will fall apart if she is taken out of assisted living. Let the dissenting siblings step in legally if there are grounds to remove you as the POA. If your mother has been deemed by doctors that she is unable to make her own medical decisions and they support the care plan she is receiving you can not be overriden by siblings.

It is hard. You must think only of your mothers quality of life based on the success she has had living in assisted living. It is all about quality of her life at this point.

Of course she is fine now, because she is taking medications properly, eating and being observed 24/7. Very hard to do this as a POA when family is involved, but do what is best for your mother during her suffering and ignore emotional pleas from sibilings.

I agree with all posts above. Dig in your heels; solicit support from hospital (geri psychiatric report and current physician) and have a family meeting to lay out the realities. My mom has all of your mom's symptoms and diagnosis but the doctor's have not definitively said she can't live on her own and mom refuses to move anywhere at this time. Her hallucinations, paranoia, forgetting to eat and drink have progressively gotten worse in the last couple months and it seems to be accelerating. That will happen to your mom as well -- especially if she doesnt get the consistent expert care she is getting at ALF. IF your sister refuses otherwise, then you should clearly tell her and other siblings it is THEIR total responsibility going forward -- to arrange care, make sure the care is adequate, interview and hire/fire in-home caregivers; financial responsibilities. They have no idea how much harder it will be round two. They need to realize that it is not in your mom's best interest to move her a second time.

I agree with "Jam". Your siblings clearly do not understand that ALZ has no cure. Your mom's improvement is incremental and is due to adjusting well to the structure provided by AL. She is not 'herself again'. She can't manage living on her own and if she were sent home, her condition would deteriorate because that's how ALZ works. It only gets worse. Bright spots are just that, spots. Moving her would only ensure that she'd have to move again, probably pretty quickly. You're right to dig in your heels. I hope you're able to weather this storm and still have a good relationship with your sisters. It's cruelly ironic that dealing with the care of aging parents sometimes tears apart siblings – the last thing that our parents would want.