Problems with in-law's.

Question

My mil was diagnosed wth dementia stage 6, she also had a stroke and several bad falls. My sil had POA but stepped down and passed it to her brother (my Hubby) when she had spent all the assets her mom had! I married into and have spent 33 yrs in this "back stabbing" family!! Thank God my husband is nothing like what they are! We have done our best to stay far enough away from the (knives) and biased views they have of others.This family thought nothing of defaming anyones character, especially if there was anything to gain from doing it!! I recently lost my mother,grandmother and a brother all in 1 1/2 yrs. Now I am helping to take care of my mil, since it is my husbands mom. We did this for almost a month (3 days shy) and were not prepared, even with in- home help to take care of her properly. She was far more advanced in the illness than we knew. Her daughter (my SIL) said " she has no business taking care of MY MOM"! All the while she was screamng obsenities in front of my child, something she has done on many occasions around my son, and always when I am not there!!! I have never once gone crazy around hers! So... I sent an email to her telling her exactly what I think of her and did it without any swearing too! I am by far no angel and I don't profess to be but enough is enough!! I had my say and did!! It was worth the wait!. You can't go through your life "LETTING" someone walk all over you! God gave us free will and intellect to be our own person. I thought if I said nothing that would "keep the peace" but I was wrong...it only makes your life harder!!! I was not raised to be bullied. I have 6 brothers and sisters, we did our share of fighting amongst ourselves but we resolved our differences that way. We didn't tell lies to other people so we could feel better about ourselves either! I am at peace now since I wrote to my sil , I guess it was what was meant to be? She can't stab me in the back any more because I know she is truly in denile and not of sound mind. And I do not have to pretend any more.....ahhhh what a relief!!! It is also good because her brother finally sees her for the VIPER she is and always has been! The pen is mightier than the sword......! GOD BLESS

golden23 · Accepted Answer

(((((((lovestinks)))))))) - if it stinks it isn't love. I am not saying you haven't acted out of love, but something definitely stinks and I don't think it is love. Love means loving yourself too, and drawing boundaries to protect yourself. You say on your profile that you are drained in so many ways. There are alternatives - as stressed mom and her family chose. Some people - looks like your mil - will drain everything out of you if you allow them to. There are many on this website experiencing that. Please look into alternative care for your mil. You could contact social services, the dept of aging in your area etc to get help making some changes. Some people are born narcissistic, and some develop that way when they get older. My mum was born that way and would have me be her servant. Eventually my health started to suffer, so I drew back. and set up some boundaries. She is in an ALF and is well looked after by others though she would prefer that I be the one to do it. I do what I can/want to which is less and less. How does your husband feel? Would he be open to change? You need to be looking after yourselves, saving for your retirement, caring for your own health and so on. I had to develop a thick skin and not worry about what people (my sister in particular) said to/about me. You can't please everyone, nor should you even try. How about looking after you? There is lots of support on this site for people who are working towards improving their own lives, and getting appropriate care for their parent(s) and inlaw(s). Please develop some defences against any one - I presume a family member - who would come here and read and use that to fuel nasty comments. You don't have to listen to them, you can hang up the phone, or walk away, or not read emails etc. I have done all of the above. Good luck, start looking for resources,  and come back and let us know how you are doing. You do not have to be financially or emotionally drained by looking after your mil. There are resources out there. (((((((hugs))))))   Joan

Lovestinks · Answer

I stopped and read your comment because it feels so close to home. It's odd that so many can be treated like us. I wish I could end my misery with an email. Anything I put in writing (including my disscussions and comments in this forum) are used as fuel for their acid storm.    I just deleted a few paragraphs of my rant cause...I'm sure they will use it, somehow, against me.

stressedmom · Answer

Thanks,  To everyone out there who has ever thought of standing up to adversity but were not able to........YET!!!  Your day will come!   Hugs to you all and Godbless =)

golden23 · Answer

Awesome!!! You are so right that trying to "keep the peace" only makes it worse when dealing with people like that. Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword, and the truth shall set you free! I have people like that in my family - perfect in every way, and everyone else has the problems. I stay as far away from them as I can.

littletonway · Answer

Congratulations! Even if it solves nothing...you did the right thing!

I have one just like that; however, it is my own dear sister. It is quite disgusting and no one in our immediate family wants to have her around. We laugh and say "pass the Xanax" before her arrival at family gatherings. You just never what will set her off or what person unkown to us she will talk badly about all day. We've confronted, emailed and tried having her son talk to her....she is perfect in every way and we have the problems!

sharynmarie · Answer

Good for you for standing up for yourself!!

Problems with in-law's.

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