Thankless job of caregiving.

sorry for above wrong post

im glad they dropped the case but i would still watch my back . people like that never stop till they get there way

Yes This is a Thankless Job.. I first felt caring for mom would not be a Job..Since she was dropped into my lap..The Only sibling that works from Home..
When soon after it became 24/7 I had to Confess it IS..I am Thankful that My Mother ... Most of the Time she does say Thank You... for taking such good care of her..

Glad!! Awesome. Congrats. I hope they are ashamed of themselves.

wow..so sad how some people can't see what's in front of them. They obviously don't have a clue how much the nursing home (state) would allocate from her estate. Because chances are they would put a lien on it and have the whole kit and ka boodle. I totally understand where you are coming from, however I feel fortunate that I have my sibs on my side. They totally understand what a sacrifice I am making to take care of my mom. However...mom has nothing to begin with. I have POA and use 800 out of her checking account every month to pay myself. 800 is a bargain price for all that I do. But the reward will be later after mom has gone. I will have done all that I can do for her and they know she has a great life here, better than anywhere. I just hope that I don't wear out before she does. At 91 she is the energizer bunny. Up all night and day. Anyhow...good luck with your troubles and pat yourself on the back. Because you deserve it. God Bless

I had POA for my husband for more than 9 years. I never filed a report to anyone, let alone annually. A specific contact may include that as a stipulation, but it is not a general legal requirement of the role.

As others have said, exactly when a POA should step in and act on the principle's behalf is a tricky area. One of my children is listed as my POA. As far as any of my kids are concerned I am perfectly fine to take care of my own affairs (and I am). I set it up years ahead of need, "just in case." If the POA or any of the other kids said, "Mom, are you paying all your insurance premiums?" my answer would probably be along the lines of "My financial affairs are none of your concern, thank you anyway."

Even if a POA suspected the principle was not quite with it anymore, and said "you really should not let this policy lapse, let me take care of it for you," if the principle objected and was still competent in the legal sense there would be nothing the POA could do about it. The POA can take over if the principle agrees it is time OR if the principle is judged incompetent. But the POA cannot do things against the principle's wishes. (Or else I would not have made the assignment years ahead of need -- nor would anyone else!)

Unfortunately financial responsibility is often on of the first skills to go when dementia starts. A person can do an awful lot of financial damage before anyone is even aware there is a problem. It is not fair to blame a POA for not preventing this if that person didn't even know there was a problem and that they should start to take an interest in the financial affairs.

Is there confusion here between duties of a conservator or legally appointed guardian and a person with a Power of Attorney? In the first instance, there would be a finding of incompetence and the appointment of a guardian, whereas someone with a POA might not involve an incompetent principal. Also, I believe that no one can be forced to accept POA responsibilities against their will. You might be able to appoint someone as your POA, but they would not have to accept the job. Anyone with more experience/insight who could comment? Thanks. As for having to pay out of your own pocket, that is a completely different issue.

notwellmyself A POA does not mean you have to pay bills out of your pocket. It means you have the duty or authority to pay or straighten out things for the principal.

I knew that if a court appointed a person as guardian they were required to file yearly (or as often as the court requires) reports of income, expenses, etc. This discussion is just the 1st I've heard about a POA being required to file reports. Especially the discussion about the failure to pay insurance premiums. I would think that the only way a POA could be required to pay premiums is if ordered or agreed to after notification that the person they are to be acting for is unable to act. Even then, unless compensated in some way, I'm not sure it would hold up in a court of law because the law of contracts. Just curious.

notwellmyself On the subject of how/when you are responsible as a POA....This is an extremely uncovered subject and I also believe a misunderstood or unquestioned issue. A person that is named as POA has the legal authority to act within the terms written on the POA documents (papers). I don't believe that if you fail to act, at all, whether knowingly or not is not the problem. I believe if you use the POWER as POA and your actions are in good faith , if you do something unintentionally in error and that act was considered or taken by the POA, in good faith, to protect the Principal that would be justifiable. A POA that acts other than in the Best Interest of the principal is not Justifiable. In short if you take money that's not yours and you neglect to spend money other than for the care/well being of the person who's money it is you are a thief. Some people think of spending their inheritance before it is their inheritance and they think that being a POA gives a right to do that. I am not 100% positive but that's the only thing that makes sense to me.

I guess the problem I have about the POA thing, is when does the POA know to act. My father was completely disabled and we thought there was no POA. However, I recently found one appointing my mother & me that we did not know existed. I'm my mother's POA, but she also never told me. I also found those papers. Last year she was diagnosed with the start of dementia. I did not go to the doctor with her. Had my daughter not told me I would probably have just thought she was being foregetful and/or obstinate. I don't see how a person can be made legally responsible for filing reports, etc if they have not agreed to be responsible.

Cute kittie wuvsicecream!! The attorney that represents my mom as a person is in the process of requesting all spending records for the past 10 years. By law, the POA is required is issue reports on a yearly basis related to value, spending, etc... Sometime in the past 10 years my mom's long term care policy lapsed because she didn't want to send them the money any more. Probably the start of Alzheimer's. If the POA had been doing the job, that would not have happened. It wasn't realized until about 9 months after payments stopped then of course the insurance company would not reinstate the policy.

I wonder how often this happens that folks developing dementia, not able to make good business decisions themselves, stop paying on a policy of this sort, then lose benefits because of others negligence. This seems it should be an issue that our lazy congressmen should look at. I'm sure it happens often.

Well the POA is supposed to do everything Within "The Best Interest Standard" it is in fact a crime of the third degree if the POA is not carrying out the fiduciary duty on the Principals behalf. Do you have any papers from the person who investigated today? If so I would try to talk to someone about the abuse of the POA not acting in the "Best Interest". Free care is not an option. You can also request from the POA all records of spending of funds transfers etc. and from the one in charge of healthcare do the same. I would write letters to both for these request send them certified. I'll bet neither one has a clue about the reality of their positions .

I have been so very worried about this very thing. I do almost everything for my parents. My brother, who lives 5 minutes from them, has not seen them in almost 18 months. My sister knows all I do, but the uninvolved brother is the worry. I have a box I put receipts in. My sister tells me it not necessary, but she too knows why it frightens me. Last week I told her she could take over paying the bills & I would do all the rest. She laughed & declined. It really is not possible for her to do it since she lives 5 hours away. She asked my mother to take it back over & my mother declined. She has dementia so I know that is not the answer. I know my sister has my back, but I hear the horror stories & it is frightening. I had to retire on disability almost 8 years ago. I am not up to a legal fight with my brother. I know I could not go thru what gladimhere had to. I'm so glad it turned out well for you.
Has anyone taken out a separate credit card for paying their parent's bills? Does anyone have any suggestions for protecting yourself when everyone else decides it is your job & does not want to do it? Does anyone know if it helps that my name is on my mother's accounts?

I am not at all surprised that the case was closed immediately.

Now, get yourself to an Elder Law attorney, and get yourself compensated!

One of the siblings, responsible for taking care of mom's needs medical and business, has done nothing but take her to the broker in the past 10 years. Maybe she is being paid for that? Doesn't want to pay me or reimburse me. More left for the other two. It is a mess!! My mom never should have had one of us as the POA.

gladmhere whos the POA?

The investigator was here last night and of all things I had been accused of financial exploitation!! I have spent over $30,000.00 of my own money without reimbursement. Mom's POA states very clearly that nobody should incur expense for her without reimbursement. It also states that anybody providing care should be paid a reasonable amount. The investigator closed the case and noted it as a family squabble. Thank you everybody!

And the one that causes the most trouble? Always knows what I should be doing differently. Hasn't even spent a full day with her in a year and a half. A therapist, of course, also called in the request for investigation to adult protective services. Amazing to me!!

gladmhere You are absolutely right about the cost you are saving by doing this yourself. That is what your family does not understand. Therefore have agencies send you a form or something about the cost.... if someone were doing it instead of you. Make lists of chores required to keep it all going.

Thank you everyone for your comments. And yes, their primary concern is the dwindling of the size of the estate. Well, if I weren't here it would cost more in a facility to say nothing, and most important of all, mom's welfare. She would hate it, become increasingly agitated, etc... She would not understand why she was there and would be extremely unhappy. Thank goodness for an excellent day program that I take her to, my only respite.

I suggest you make a log of everything. A journal of expenses, things you do to take care of them, things they say, events that occur each day, phone calls you make, Dr.s appointments, everything...... including and especially emotions. I found that actions speak louder than words and I am sure that your actions are noticed by a lot of people. I think it's a great idea to collect documents from people who know what your doing. Focus on care and not the negative energy, that's all it is, If your family insists on wasting their time on getting authorities involved to prove your not doing what's best and you are doing your best they are only going to prove that they are not doing what's best. Maybe... suggest to them, stop focusing on accusing you of wrong doing, and help you to do what's right.
When I accomplished the perfect solution to Mom's 24/7 care needs and told my sister that she will be cared for in an excellent place. My sister said "I didn't agree to this."..... Yet she wouldn't take Mom for an hour out to lunch or anything without being a pain about it. She did not want to help at all and surely not pay for anything Mom needed. She was mad she wasn't going to get money when Mom died I guess. So I bluntly said "you have these other choices... You can care for Mom 24/.... or you can pay the bill of $10,000 a month.... or go with the plan I arranged." That shut her up!!!! It seems that this Thankless Job brings out the best and worst in people, there are those who do the right thing,, those who use others as an escape to get out of doing what's right. As long as your doing the right thing and the best you can under circumstances you are given. You are blessed and will be Thankful in your heart.

It is amazing what the hopes for money can do to sibblings. I to care for my mother, I live with her and although I have 3 sisters in the area,,,, I have 1 that helps with out hesitation. The others 1 no help! and 1 help but always with the "well I had something to do BUT" ( meanwhile I have stuff to do that never gets done because I can't leave Mom alone to do it ) When all this started they all agreed they would help whenever I needed HUH??? So my heart goes out to you, but know you are not alone, the ones that don't help are the first ones there accussing you of some sort of wrong doing. It is very sad that your sibblings resorted to "legal butting in". See a lawyer for sure to protect yourself from them!

I've been my mom's caregiver for four years since my father passed away. Up to that point, she was still very independent and although we lived in the same home, her and dad pretty much took care of themselves rather well. Dad's death sent her over the edge (she's 91 now) and her alzheimer's and dementia have been gradually getting worse as time passes.

For awhile, I resented the episodes, the nagging, the continuous repetition of the same question over and over, the verbal abuse she bombards me with, etc. Then I started to educate myself on alzheimer's and dementia and my feelings/thoughts about it have shifted completely. She can't help it. It's a horrible disease and there isn't a darn thing she can do about it. Nor I. Except be there for her, through thick and thin. It's just me and her, I have no siblings and when dad passed away, the rest of the family basically drifted away from us since they wanted no part of it. I don't see it as a thankless job anymore. I see it the same way a mother would if they give birth to a handicapped child. Yes it is a burden but all you can do is ask God to help you carry the load. And trust me, He will.

I've been caring for my mom for years with little to no help from my sibling. When she does honor us with her presence, it's usually filled with abuse and condescension, like I don't know what I'm doing but God forbid she should give up a luncheon or a manicure. As far as money goes, I haven't been hounded YET but this was anticipated years ago, and things are very tidied up by lawyers. So the only thing your siblings most likely are worried about is their inheritance, should they get one. Keep records of everything you spend, just in case they decide to sic the hounds on you. And see a lawyer for your own protection.

I don't know how big your mother's estate is, but it is very common when there is an expensive end-of-life illness for the entire estate or a huge part of it to be needed for medical expenses and care. In fact, many seniors who expected to leave a financial legacy for their heirs wind up on Medicaid themselves at the end. This is certainly disappointing for all concerned.

But it is no one's fault. (There are exceptions, where one child is basically stealing from the parent.) It is really sad when some siblings, in their great disappointment, start looking to assign blame.

Welcome the APS investigation. And see an Elder Law attorney about drawing up a personal care agreement, spelling out what you are providing and what your mother is paying you. Get the expenses-to-date settled as quickly as possible.