Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

Some elderly parents expect their adult children to become caregivers, servants, banks, entertainment systems and emotional trash cans. To name
a few of the roles I've both seen and played myself.

It's grotesquely unfair. Many have subjected their children to abuse or abandonment in childhood and then wish to plunder the rest of their chidren's productive adult lives. I wonder how many of the "spending my children's
inheritance" crowd will demand free housing and care when they've blown
through their savings and need help down the road.

All I can say is that aging is verrrrrrry expensive. Taking care of oneself financially, emotionally and health wise becomes an obligation if we do
not wish to be a burden on our adult children in our later years. So many
seniors enjoy expensive travel, lavishly maintain their home(s), spend a
small fortune on restaurants and expensive clothing and cars, and then
essentially rob their adult children and grandchildren from even a weekend
getaway or small experiences of respite, let alone life changing adventure.

I've heard so many stories of elder abuse, that I never dreamed there was
even such a thing as caregiver abuse. My own experiences and reading
some of the stories on here has definitely changed that view.

kcred78, understanding how you got into this situation can help you figure out how to get out of it.

I asked you some questions several weeks ago, but you never replied. Can you answer some of the questions?

Kcred, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your mom needs more help than one person alone can provide, and perhaps medication to treat her mental health symptoms.

It sounds like she is not cooperative, but you do have options. One would be to call 911 the next time your mom threatens to kill herself. The police can do a Baker Act and have her taken to a mental health facility to be evaluated.

You can also contact APS and let them know that your mom is unable to live alone and that you are no longer able to care for her. They will potentially look for any other relatives who might be willing to oversee her care or the state might assume the responsibility. Either way, you would not be liable.

Another alternative would be to seek guardianship if your mom is determined to be mentally incompetent, which would allow you to find facility placement. However, this would also mean the responsibility of overseeing her health care decisions and finances, as well as providing regular reporting to the guardianship court. If your mom is toxic and abusive though, consider carefully whether you would want that responsibility. I am my mom's guardian but often wish I hadn't taken it on because she has not been easy to deal with either, nor has the drama from other family members.

Definitely not an easy decision, but it sounds like your mom is a danger to herself and that living with her is taking a toll on you as well.

Would she be willing to talk to a geriatric specialist? It really does sound like she should be evaluated for both neurological and mental health issues.

Things are not getting better. Even when I am not talking much to her she manages to find fault and yell at me about the few words that I do say - the tone is not right, I am being rude, I am ungrateful, etc. I have come to a point where I feel like death is better than this.

kcred78, I'm just guessing from your name here that you were born in 1978? So you are around 40? And you've been living in this abusive situation since you were 22?

Please give us some background. How did you get saddled with her 18 years ago? Do you have siblings? Who is in the family that she calls to tell them you are abusive?

Please start your own thread. The wonderful, caring people on here can help you formulate a plan to take back your life. We will provide support for you every step of the way.

This miserable life you have does NOT have to continue. There is a way out.

How about it?

Grateful to have found this thread. My mother lives with me, she just turned 79. My dad was always the one who did everything for my mother, she couldn't do even the simplest things. She never even learnt how to drive. My dad passed away 18 years ago and ever since then she has clung on to me. I am single because I can't go out on dates because she wouldn't let me leave the house. I have to prepare her breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner everyday. If I am even a few mins late, she will throw a tantrum. I can't go overseas even though I have received project opportunities. There is no such thing as a holiday because she doesn't believe in them. She is not mobile so I have to help her get around if she wants to go out - she refuses (to the point of scream-crying) to use a wheelchair or walker or a similar aide. She disallows anybody from coming to our home but she makes me tell them and when they ask her why they can't come over she puts the blame on me. Putting her in assisted living is impossible because she threatens to either kill herself or she calls all the relatives and tells them how I abuse her (I barely speak with her! I only speak with her when necessary). And the relatives all think she's a sweet old lady because that's how she treats them. So they give me a hard time. They have no idea what's going on at home. She uses the bathroom to urinate and doesn't clean very well. So every day I need to clean her bathroom because it stinks or urine causing the whole house to stink too. I have employed live-in professionals to care for her but she has chased three away after just one week by yelling and screaming at them. After the third one, she threatened to chase the next one away in a day if I dare to get someone. She insists that I need to care for her 100% of the time. Even if I have work to do, she sulks and criticises me sarcastically so it creates this toxic environment. All she does everyday is eat, sleep and watch tv all day. She refuses to make an attempt to even help herself out. I have given up and have limited talking to her. I barely say a few words everyday. But the fact remains that I am tired and I am stuck in the house with her forever. There's no escape. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself because I don't know what I can do to make my situation better.

Abbie, can you have her go to a NH now? You have to take care of yourself and have some happiness!

After four years of abusive behavior from my 98 year old mother, I know I should have sent her to a nursing home and never taken her in. She expects a servant around the clock. I am +70 years old and have poor health.
She abandoned us as children and has only thought of herself her entire life. Don't make the mistake of trying to mend a lifetime relationship flaw. Send them to a nursing home and don't guilt yourself.

After a lot of consideration and a week's test run (didn't tell my father it was that), I learned I would never survive him living with me. He was not a good parent, but he was family. Today he died, alone living on a bare lot he purchased 2 months ago, 3000 miles from home, in a tent with no water, electricity or toilet.

.I tried everything to get him into alternative housing and support near me, but he 'bolted', essentially went off to die, like an Eskimo on an ice floe because he couldn't live with me or my brother.

He died today and I'm so sad, mostly for the loss of potential; for what could have been had he been willing to work with me.

My mother, on the other hand has made lots of friends in her senior's apt bldg, takes advantage of volunteer drivers, etc and so has created a safety network for herself.

I too now am working hard to make sure 20 yrs down the line I have a good safety network for myself.

I don't regret not taking my father in- I would not have survived it, but am sad the only 2 choices in his mind were to live with us or go off to die alone.

Wantsfree, your mother sounds horrible. If you pay for her caregiver now, how much caregiving is that? 24/7? A few hours a few times during the week? Somewhere in between?

Is someone her POA? Healthcare POA? Executor of her will?

Her income is like a health care professional? Does she have a sizeable estate or trust? Do you know the terms of that? Wouldn't it be awful to have been ponying up for her care for all these years, and then she turns around and shafts you in her will?

My 80 yr old elderly mother thinks me and my brother should be 100% financially responsible for her. She keeps all her old age pension, and we pay for her caregiver, PLUS give her lots of extra money. Her "income" is like a full-time health professional. She has her own mortgage-free house, a brand new Mercedes (which she saved up enough to buy, because we refused to pay for it). She likes luxury items like jewellery, and brand name handbags. Even with her "income", we are expected to purchase business class air tickets for her when she travels and pay for her hotel, which we took turn every year. My brother and me have been indulging her for the past years (including expensive cars and handbags), but find we are close to retirement now. We have our own children, and whenever she knows we are travelling, she will give us the guilt trip about not taking her along. The thing is, she can't walk far, so if we took her with us, we would be sitting around. Apart from shopping for expensive goods, she's not interested in sightseeing at all. Also, she would expect us to pay for everything, including anything that she likes during shopping (e.g. a $3K Prada handbag). We took her out for dinner every week, but do not enjoy it at all. It is more out of duty than anything. We both dread spending time with her as all she talks about is money, money and money. She always looks miserable, and nothing will make her happy. Both my brother and I have put our foot down. Except paying for her caregiver and give her all that money, we will no longer buy "gifts" for her. We are talking about things like designer handbags. We feel we have done more than enough to allow her to live an extremely comfortable live, and she should be spending her own money if she wants an expensive item! My brother and I said to each other we will never treat our children as a bankcard!

Yogi, I totally agree with you. Problem is, for almost everybody here, that train has already left the station. If only we knew then what we know now. If only I had known that my mother was going to outlive her normal life expectancy by so many years and in such lousy health that I would be virtually tethered to her for the whole long miserable ride. If only I had known that my plans for helping her and her plans for me helping her were so wildly incompatible as to cause unending struggle and conflict between us. If only I had known how much caregiving services cost and how little help is out there for those that can't afford it.

If only, if only. Yet I'm close to positive that I would have been roped into this one way or another, sooner or later, just because there were no other really viable options. And because I'm the sort of person who just can't leave bad enough alone.

My mother's plan for her old age was to simply end her life, if she were unable to care for herself and nobody else showed up to do it. She even has/had a stash of pills at the ready. In retrospect I think that would have been a better solution than this. But at the time, when decisions were being made, that alternative was just unthinkable. You can't just let your own mother off herself because nobody is willing to take care of her. But all these years later, I think that would have been a better solution than to have her take over another person's life for so many years, a person who had their own plans and dreams and other things to do with what remained of their life. So shoot me. I really do.

The best thing to do is not get started caregiving for a parent. Once you're in even the doctors look the other way. No one wants to get involved and you're left drowning in caregiving while it robs you of all that is good in your life. My mother has always been selfish and self centered and when compounded with aging and unending needs, no one no matter how kind can continue to give care without resentment. I used to look forward to the day it would end but when it does, I will be a very broken human with no compass. I've become a total emotional mess. Thanks mom.

To Desert Rose 7
Okay. PLEASE give up!
You moved her there so she would be safe and not isolated, not to take the place of your deceased father. Excuse me, but if she can dress herself, bathe herself and drive a car, sounds like she can cook for herself and find her way around town.
You just got rid of the overburden of one elderly parent. Did you not learn anything from that a experience?
A lot of elderly people expect their older adult children to live out their fantasies of “being mother and daughter” again. You are not a teenager. She is a retiree and you are not. She is a widow and you are not. It is not “cute”. She needs to find community with others who are in the same phase of life as she is. There is the YMCA, senior center, group trips, religious worship, excercise groups, arts groups, volunteer groups, dance groups, etc. for seniors in every community. It is ridiculous for her to expect you to be her constant companion. Don’t jeopardize your marriage or your sanity trying to fulfill her every fantasy. She’ll be fine and you will sacrifice your own welfare in the process. You are not required to do that just because she gave birth to you. 
Take a big step back. You are doing plenty enough for her by seeing to it that she is not isolated 1,000 miles away. And she has her own home? I could only wish for such luxury at that point in my life. You do not have to be her constant playmate in addition to all that. Let it go. 
Let me ask you - when you re-read your own post would you advise another person to do what you are doing? I don’t think you would! And leave your husband to move in with your mother?
Take a reality check. You are a little caught up. You don’t have to do all those things. Please don’t!

My mother has treated all 3 of her kids as a financial safety net for 40 years. Whatever came up, we were supposed to fix everything and pull out our wallets. Before retiring she inherited a large amount of money that she kept and ran through at a rapid pace. She's now bankrupt and seeking more help. She thinks the 3 of us should split the cost for her to live in the lifestyle of her choosing--namely, allowing her to continue to live in her current home. She needs to downsize to an independent living apartment, but apparently, that's not suitable. None of us have children and have worked hard for everything we've gotten in life (college, careers, etc.). NOTHING was given to us. Now as we near 60, and prepare for retirement, we are expected to provide for her yet again. It never seems to end. I was happy to find this blog and see that I'm not the only one feeling taken advantage of by a selfish parent.

Exactly what I'm going through at this very moment! My mom has some ridiculous demands! When we serve breakfast if she doesn't like it she sends it back and asks for another meal. She screams if we break her over easy eggs and won't eat them. I don't like eggs that much but I eat her eggs that don't make the cut most mornings so they don't go to waste. Just an example. I wonder what seniors who get meals on wheels do if they don't like what's on the menu?

Desertrose,
Wow, similar things here, except, I am a year older but still working full-time with lots of overtime hours, and my almost 93-yr old mom is living with me although "not permanently" since last July. She always has been anti-social and should not be driving because of vision and occasional positional dizziness, but still has her car and house in her hometown 3 hours away. I thought it would be a good idea for her to be here, because all she did in her house was play games on the computer all day and watch TV. So I figured she could easily do those things here. I am the only "child" left and my kids also thought it is a good idea. She has no support system in her hometown, nothing, couldn't go anywhere on her own. And I was the one who always called daily, sometimes multiple times in a day to chat/talk and check on her.

But since she has been here, I see she really should not be on her own, and she continually thinks I should live in her house with her. She won't let go of her house or her car, and I've told her that if she goes back to her house, she will have to have a caregiver. Because I no longer want to drive back and forth for her doctor's appointments, etc. But I am her "only" child and she thinks of me as her playmate and sees nothing wrong with she and I being companions/playmates all of my non-working hours. She won't even eat dinner unless I am right there with her. I have been single for 20 years now and have my own routine which is not like it was when I had a family, sitting down together for meals. I have 4 days vacation later this month when I am flying out of town to see a friend and my daughter will check on Mom and her 2 dogs while I am gone. I wish it were for 34 days!!!

I think she secretly hopes I won't be able to pay my house off and have to move in with her.... but the reality is.... I don't care if I lost my job, couldn't afford my house, I would live somewhere, BUT NOT in my mother's house with my mother.

I really am thankful for this blog and everyone’s posts. As our fathers passed, my husband and I moved each of our mothers over 1,000 miles to be near us so they would be near family and we could help them to learn to live on their own. Both of our fathers did everything for our mothers while they were alive. Neither mother knew the simplist of daily living tasks. We even put houses on our property for each after their houses sold (which my husband and I had to do for them). My MIL came here 14 years ago and basically made my husbands life a total misery. His sister who lives in another state thought the way their mother was acting was “cute”. She didn’t have to deal with her behavior at all. Over the past several years MIL has dimentia and its to the point that we worry she cannot take care of herself sufficiently. Neither my husband or myself ever had “total caregiving” in mind when it came to our mothers. We just had an expectation that they could care for themselves all of their lives, just as their mothers (our grandmothers) did. We were so wrong. After about a year of insisting that the SIL fly over to help with her mother at least 2 or 3 times a year, SIL has procured a nursing home in the town she lives in for her mother. We move her there at the end of the month. I don’t even know how to get my head around all of her stress and anxiety dumped on us for so many years is now ending. Maybe we should have put her in a home long ago but I just never considered this. Both my husband and myself were caught in the parental / child obligation hoax. That brings me to my Mom, who we moved here 7 years ago. Again I had to teach her how to do everything from using a debit card to filling her gas tank. She grudgingly uses the debit card but refuses to put gas in her car. This was something my dad always did, she will tell me. She is a hypochondriac and hs developed some pretty nasty narcissistic behaviors since we moved her here. I encourage her to take herself to the store for groceries (she does drive)(begrudgingly). I take her garbage out when needed and try to keep up with household repairs. I had been racing home from work to make a hasty dinner so I could go to visit her every day but I had to cut this back to only Wednesday evening and on Saturday and Sunday. She is still having a fit over this. I’m 62 years old and I still work full time. She thinks that I should quit my job, leave my husband (who she’s ever liked) and move in with her to take care of her. Why do our parents become these impossible people when they age? I’m an only child so all of my moms stuff is on me. Worst part of all of this is that when we moved her here I tried many times to get her involved with our local Senior Center so she could meet people and have services that could greatly benefit her. Every time I bring it up she yells that she moved here to be with me, notcwith the Senior Center. Then she cries and complains that she has no one to keep her company. I give up.

Kidnumber2

I just found this forum last night and have been awake almost all night reading all of the 18 pages of comments. This forum has been a Godsend to me at this point in my life and I thank every one for all the validation. There is much more I would like to share about the difficulties I am currently experiencing with my own Mom but for this first time, let me suffice to say that what you have just posted about your 90-yr Grandmother is exactly the kind of person I plan and hope to be as I age. Thank you so much for sharing part of your and your Grandmother's story.

In an answer to Ellen’s question, I had an elderly Grandmother who was very independent and had always been extremely kind to me. She was a very spiritual and practical person.
She resided in the same apartment for about 35 years (until she passed away.) While she was able to she went to church, played cards, visited the senior center, visited family. She was not a demanding woman. My mother set her up with meals on wheels when she was about 90 (she lived until 95) so she would not have to worry about food shopping and meal preparation. That was a Godsend. Every day someone would knock on her door, deliver her a hot meal and be able to “check” that she was okay. She kept a regular schedule. She also hired someone to help her every few weeks to do heavy cleaning in her apartment towards the end of her life. This woman was basically blessed with good health, but she also had common sense. She visited when she was invited and was not demanding about people “serving” her. What I did for her I always did out of love and respect. She bathed and dressed neatly. She lived very simply toward the end of her life.
I am single and never rich. She lived about 45 minutes away from me. She had many grandchildren and nieces and nephews. I spoke to her on the phone once a week (at length) and visited with her once a month. On those occasions I helped her with little things around her apartment, shopping chores and we usually ate together - Chinese food or some other take out. Nothing fussy.
In the last 2 years of her life she was hospitalized briefly. The hospital was not too far away and I visited her there every day. This was not too easy on me, but I knew she would not live forever and I did not want to leave her in that place alone. By then my other siblings and her children had all moved far away, so could not make the “instant” trip to the hospital. They did, however, visit her at home from time to time.
She lived a full life, travelled around the world, had a good career and marriage (my grandfather predeceased her by 20 years) and was grateful for all her blessings. She also had a spare room in her apartment so many family members from out of town could stay there if they wanted to. To me, she set a perfect example of aging gracefully. Instead of moving all over the place and trying to get everyone to accommodate her wishes, she recognized the fact that her family members had responsibilities and lives of their own. She had many visitors later in life, but was content with her own company rather than insisting that people drop everything to amuse her every day. She was one of my best friends and not a burden to me at all. She lived in a natural way. I cannot understand people running away in their old age, or expecting everyone to wait on them hand and foot.
As I said, I live alone and am not rich. I don’t expect anyone to drop everything to amuse me or take care of me. And no one does. It is unrealistic to expect another person to sacrifice their own personal welfare and well being to satisfy your own wishes. If I really need help, I ask. Otherwise I try to rely on myself. And, conversely, if I am able to give help, I do so as I am able, without destroying my own personal wellbeing. This is the natural way to do things.
It seems some people have lost sight of basic human values and realities.
I do believe that those who live a good life and care for those around them have loving care in the end of their life. With people living so long, it is unrealistic to expect the younger generation to travel, interrupt their careers and family life to take care of older relatives. There are many activities seniors can get themselves involved with and truly if they are loving and considerate family members, someone will be there to help them in the end.

FF, cool bumper sticker I saw....

WHEN I RETIRE IM GOING TO DRIVE 30 IN THE LEFT LANE WITH MY RIGHT BLINKER ON

Kidnumber2, ah yes the Snow Birds who all wanted to move to Florida from New York State. That age group, that was a major goal for so many who wanted to get away from the northeastern winters. Your Mom was just following the lead Bird.

For us, the grown child, traveling today isn't as easy as it use to be. I use to love to fly, but now one has to get to the airport 2 hours earlier even if the flight itself is only 45 minutes. I would be exhausted before I even buckled the seat-belt on the airplane. Forget driving, I am the elderly person who is driving 20 miles in the left land because I need to make a turn later down the road :P

I have an old mother who, for reasons of health and personal comfort, moved to Florida at age 80. She is now 84 and very disabled.
I live in NYC and have been here 40 years. I was raised in this area. Before moving, my mother had a 2BR coop apartment nearby and she sold it when she moved to Florida. I told her that I would not be able to go to Florida where she lives in an efficiency apartment in a senior residence. I am barely making a living and cannot afford the money for travel and accommodations. I can’t actually afford to take the time to go there as I am just keeping things together here myself.
I begged my mother not to leave. Begged her! I found her a senior living residence right around the corner from me. She would not move there. She wanted to go to Florida. Down there we have no family. She has made many nice friends and has been on 2 cruises, one to Europe, since she has been there.
I am happy that she is content with her life there but I get constant pressure to go down there to see her from her and my more affluent relatives.
So - they can go see her. I miss her but I am not going to derail my own life so she can live out her dream of family unity 1,000 miles away from from her entire family. It is unrealistic.
I agree with the other posters. If you expect your children to help you in any way when you get older, make it easier for them by staying close by. Otherwise - you may be on your own.

She really doesn't know what she would do without you? Well, you could take a vacation, just down tools, and she will be able to find out. You really cannot fix old age and its attendant problems. But you can start to set boundaries and leave the elder to figure out how they are going to manage going forward. After all if they expect to be treated as independent adults, they have to do the work of planning, at least, how they are going to manage their daily lives. Don't ever let anyone "put you in charge" of their happiness - impossible task.

I'm so glad I found this blog too. My mother is so demanding. I just don't know her as my mother anymore. In the past 18 months she has had every appliance in her kitchen replaced and a new TV. I have arranged to take her to buy it and arranged delivery. She is always ill and goes to the Doctor's surgery at least twice a week. She says she doesn't have long left and wants to die. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She lives 10 miles from me and expects me to see her two or three times a week. I honestly dread seeing her. There is always a problem. I just feel stressed and guilty all the time. My brother doesn't get involved at all. I just wish I could run away. She won't go in a residential nursing home and says she don't know what she would do without me. The burden is overwhelming. I'm grateful that others here feel the same.

I think that the most selfish thing an elderly person does is "say I don't want to be a burden." Then they do everything in their power to restrict access to their finances, medical history and so on. This is what I am dealing with. He does not want to provide anything but expects me to either take care of him or watch him lead himself into destruction.
You are being a burden if:
you hide all of your important documents because you don't want someone to 'know your business'.
you hide any significant medical condition because you don't want some to 'worry' about you.
you decide to not appoint someone in your family a POA
you decide to not have a will or trust in case you die.

All of these things make you a burden.

Worstparents: No, the only thing that will save you is for you to live your own life. I agree with Kimber166, you don't owe them anything.

I'd ask you to answer to yourself--in your heart of hearts--why are you doing this for them at such an extreme expense, on so many levels, to yourself? Why? (It's not for us on the Internet to know your answer unless you choose, but at least mull it over and answer yourself honestly.)

Worstparents - just walk away. You don't owe them anything - they will figure it out.

I hit the jackpot with THREE totally selfish elderly parents. My parents divorced when I was very young and my father abandoned us. He didn't pay child support. He very rarely visited us. He wasn't interested in his kids until they were adults and self-sufficient. My Mom became bitter as she struggled to keep us fed, clothed and with a roof over our heads. She remarried, and we loved our stepfather because he at least supported us. As happy as we were to finally have some semblance of a stable family, neither he nor my mother were engaged in their children's lives; we never had family vacations, though they traveled quite a bit. They said that vacations weren't vacations if their children came along. When they would eat steak for dinner we'd be served hamburger because steak isn't for teenagers. They didn't come to our sports events or school activities. We really had to raise ourselves. Needless to say, my siblings failed at the task and resorted to drugs and alcohol. Of five children (siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings), four are drug addicts or alcoholics. I only wish I were! Fast forward many decades. Those siblings who are still alive have zero contact with any of the parents. I moved hundreds of miles to be closer to them, but couldn't buy a house in their city due to rampant inflation, so I'm as close as I can get in a place I can afford. Every time my mother or stepfather need anything, I have to drive several hours. My father became incapacitated and penniless leaving me to find him a nursing home, clean up his financial messes and unravel the mess he'd made of his life. My mother resented that I didn't let him die, starving on the street. Instead of feeling badly that I was left with his problems, my mother was resentful that I took care of them. He died recently and she was angry that I paid for his final arrangements. Now, she's very sick and requires assistance, my stepfather has become a full-fledged drunk who passes out early in the day, and they can't manage living on their own. But if I suggest an alternative -- such as moving closer to me and living in an easier environment -- they go hysterical and claim that all I want is their money. They have provided me with no power of attorney, they have no will, and no desire to make things a bit simpler for me. I'm ready for a nervous breakdown but can't have one as I juggle my job and caring for them. Fortunately, my husband helps and is very supportive. My parents generation are the most spoiled people who ever lived on this planet. They didn't care for their own parents, but they expect their children to give up everything they've struggled to earn to care for them. Whatever you do for them, it's not appreciated. As a matter of fact, they're heaping abuse on you while you're helping them. To be honest, I've grown to hate them. They were terrible parents when they were young, and they're despicable people now. They care only about themselves and will not lift a finger to make life easier for people who are trying to do the right thing. Eventually they will die and I'll have an enormous mess to clean up. At this point, I don't even want to bother. I feel like walking away from it all and leaving it to my drunken, drug-addled siblings who don't even send a birthday card or call my parents to see how they are (and they haven't for many years). My "golden years" are being destroyed by the same people who gave me a horrible childhood. It's what I should have expected from people who never showed a shred of concern for me throughout my life. The only thing that will save me from my emotional imprisonment is their death.

I am new here. My parents are 88 and 86. My mom has mild Alzheimer's and my dad is house bound. The only time my mom gets out is when my siblings or myself take her out. She is in need of more help but my father refuses . He has become very self centered and has lost the ability to understand that others have lives. Since I live the closest he will call and tell me my mom is driving him nuts and he wants me to get her out the house. It doesn't matter that I just want the day to relax or that I am visiting tomorrow. I don't give in and run over since it isn't an emergency, but then my whole day is ruined because of it. But I wont enable this. My brother lives with them but he runs a business and he doesn't believe that dad should be forced against his will to accept help. But when he goes to work, I get the call to drop everything. My other sibling is 40 minutes away so she gets away with not dropping everything and coming over. My father is of the belief that daughters take care of parents and I am supposed to put their situation first and if he calls, I run. I don't do this and I feel it does create tension since my brother is with my father on this, instead of uniting with my sister and I in getting my mom some support. also, my dad hasn't seen a dr. in 6 months and my brother tries convince him to go but he refuses. I believe that this is non negotiable but since we are all divided on this, my father continues to do things his way. We are still in the "dad is the authority figure" mode in my family. Any suggestions? Thanks so much.