I think my older brother is being abusive to my elderly parents.

Question

My elderly parents live with my older brother who is single, never married and has no children. I believe strongly that he has a mental disorder and so does most of my family but no one will do anything about it. He works a full time job and pays for his own rent, food, and whatever else he needs or wants. The problem is with his treatment of "HIS HOUSE" concerning my mom and dad. They are only allowed in their own room. He keeps the house extremely dirty, cluttered, inhabitable to two seniors that are both very ill. My Mom just came through cancer and my dad is an amputee from diabetes and still struggles desparatley to recover from that. They are not allowed to touch anything that is his. Not even the food or the furniture. He says they are diseased and will make him sick.

He cusses out my dad and makes him nervous and scared. My mom can't live with all the arguing between them. He is obssessed with my mom. He says she will never leave his house and over his dead body, yet he neglects her needs and hates my dad. He has moved to sleeping and doing everything in the livingroom and won't move back into his own room so that my parents can go into the living room and watch a show or have visitors over.

I don't understand why he is like this. He wont allow anyone of us to help at all in cleaning out his disgusting house because he is a habitual horder and a very dirty one at that. He never used to be so mean and cruel. At times he is even quite nice and pleasant but he has this obsession with my mom that actually make s me feel ineasy and sick inside.

I feel so bad for my mom but she wont leave. We have tried to get her and dad a place of there own but mom wont leave. My brother depends on my mom for all of his emotional and relational needs. He has only dated a couple of times and that was decades ago. He NEVER LEAVES the house but to work and thats overnights so he doesnt see people. He says people talk about him in public and laugh at him.

My siblings mean well but none of them ever do anything about any of this. One will call me and tell me about all the happenings concerning the situation but they never have a solution. I truly dont know if these acctions consitute abuse.
One more thing. A while back one of my sisters called adult care services about the living conitions in the home. A person came out and said that eveything looked fine. It was so disgutsingly dirty and piled up with trash because my brother hordes things. Also my dad has the first stages of dimensia and gives money away without realizing it. They said he was in his right mind and there was no problem with him "helping" his kids and grandkids. I am so angry about that.

sharynmarie · Accepted Answer

This is excellent news!  Keep us informed of now things work out.   You sound happier and are heading in a po!sitive direction!  Hugs to you

azsweetheart4 · Answer

Thank you *sharynmarie and *MishkaM. I have contacted the living place and am in the process of setting up a time and date for my parents to go and visit the home. I live in NY and my parents in AZ so I cannot be there but I have sisters and brothers that may be able to help in that. It wasn't more than 6 mths ago that APS was out to the house. They are very negligent in my opinion. My older sister has DPOA over my mom and another brother over my dad.

MishkaM · Answer

Hi azsweetheart4, It sounds to me like you need to get your parents out of your brother's house.  How long ago was it that Adult Protective Services were called?  Maybe it is time for another visit from them.  Can you take pictures of their environment that they are living in?  Your brother may clean up before a APS visit but if you can get evidence it will help.  There's also the police.  If you see your brother intimidating your Dad I would call the police to get that documented.  I wish I could help more.  Good luck and keep us posted!

sharynmarie · Answer

Wow, this is a sad and heartbreaking situation for you and your siblings to have to witness.  Who has DPOA?  Have you tried taking your parents out for a day and just go visit the independent living facility you are thinking of placing them?  Make arrangements a head of time with the facility so someone can answer their questions, show them around.  Maybe more than one visit will be necessary.  I would try taking your parents out, even have them spend a weekend with you or your other siblings, giving them a taste of freedom and independent living may be enough to spark life back into them so they would prefer living somewhere where they get to make choices again.  They may be so used to not having any freedom living with your brother that they doubt their ability to make decisions.  Bless you and hugs to you, I hope you can get your parents on a more healthy path to living!!

azsweetheart4 · Answer

CAPNHARD***The community we want to place my parents in is an Independant living place. It is very nice and well maintained. I have two siblings that work there so they would be able to see my parents throughout the day and in the evening. Its very posh and upscale. I know even the ritzy ones can be bad but my siblings have worked there for ages and know the management down to the cleaning ladies and maintenance staff. Plus no one will visit my parents in my brothers home because he acts so creepy and weird. Its just not normal or adult to expect your mom to be there for you 24/7 at you beckon call to satisfy your emotional and friendship needs when you 50 years old. It's kinda yuck. Why should they suffer so when they could be better off? I am sorry about your Mom though. and I hope she can find a safe and peaceful place to live out the rest of her years.

capnhardass · Answer

your brother might be a nut case but it isnt a perfect world. in three months of ALF my mother was warehoused, fed meals with high sugar content ( diabetic ) , had cash stolen from her and was constantly running out of pain meds because of employee theft. her meds were jumbled and mixed in the bottles and i once saw an employee give her an insulin shot without using the redi pen properly. no shot was actually recieved. dangerous criminal neglect and abuse across the board. this was a top of the line facility. im just saying only because your brothers care appears inadequate to you, the parents could be in a considerably worst environment.

I think my older brother is being abusive to my elderly parents.

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