Dad wants to go home.

OncehatedDIL, I do not think we are "close". My husband is not anymore the handsome, intelligent man I met 29 years ago, sometimes I see a him as a stranger. Sometimes he does not recognize me. Impossible to be close. I am fulfilling my duties as a wife, "in sickness and in health". Thanks for writing. nerie86

Nerie, it does seem like you would have seen some adjustment since he has been there 5 months. You aren't going every day, which I feel is good, so you aren't blocking his bonding to his new place. Are the two of you very close? Is this why you are both so unhappy?

Hello OncehatedDIL...He has been since last October, and no I can not visit him daily because he is a few miles far from home. I had no choice when he was transferred from the hospital. They said to me that there were no beds available closer. I am still "fighting" with this subject, but they did not accepted him in another Facility because of his "aggressive behavior".

I think that if a parent wants to come home they should be allowed to. Their SS check, or whatever money they have will need to pay for fulltime care but why not? I know I sure wouldnt want to go into a nursing home and I would be so depressed would let go also. I have my Mom with us with severe dementia who cannot walk or talk, I have to bath, change diapers and feed her and its extremely difficult after 5 years. I decided to hire help and its the best thing I ever did, we're both happy this way, until the end. Hang in there everyone, I am trying to and remember they cant take their money with them so use it to give them what they want, they earned it.

Nerie, how long has your husband been in his SNF? Do you visit him every day?

Well, once again every case is different. My husband also wants to come home. He is in one of those depressive nursing homes. He has no interaction with any other resident, he does not enjoy activities. I am still waiting for his period of adjustment. He does not know why he is there because: "I am healthy". What he does not know that I am more depressed than he is. I am handling everything, financial matters, house, car, etc., and nobody takes care of me. This is my new attitude starting today, after months of reading this page, and sharing my problems with all of you beautiful people. Hope it helps.

When my mother had a series of strokes she was diagnosed with moderate dementia. She was so confused and helpless. She needed 24/7 care and I was her only living child so she moved in immediately. She was so hateful at first, tried several times to call her friends and neighbors looking for ways to go home, contacted the police and elder abuse thinking we were holding her prisoner. We were honest every step of the way (unlike her friends who told her nothing was wrong with her), her doctor told her she needed 24/7 care, neurologist said the same and after months of living with her i knew there was no way she could ever live without 24/7 support. One day one of the nurses came by unexpectedly and it was the first time a medical person told her you are not going to get better, you're only going to get worst. She told her the best thing for her would be to sell her condo and move into an assisted living community. I couldn't believe it, my mother for the first time in months of being negative and hateful started talking positive about seeing some AL facilities. My husband and I went to some locally until we found one that we felt would be the best possible community for her. We worked with the sales director for strategies for her to come see the place. We took her to one that was in the area that happened to look like a depressing nursing home and then scheduled lunch and a tour at a Vintage community near us. She loved it!!! And now, one week after moving in surrounded by her furniture she seems so happy. She feels independent! I have been there several times and she is really adjusting beautifully. Most of the people living there are independent and my hope is that by hanging out with them she will try and step up to join the activities, socialize, etc. And she is!!! Good luck. Hope my story helps somehow.

I do. I took in my Father after my Mother had a massive heart attack and stroke. She was his main caregiver. What you need to do, is have a talk with him. Tell him what is going on. Be honest, because if you were in the same situation; you would want the person to tell you the truth.
I did that with my Dad when he got Dementia, and wanted out of the Nursing Home I had put him into when I could no longer take care of him.
I have had the talk with him 5 times now, being patient each time.
Then I made the hardest decision of my life; I decided to send him back to where his sisters, and nieces, and nephews were. 1500 miles from my Mother and myself. Knowing that it would be the last time I would hug him when he went to get on the plane; about killed me. But he was so happy about seeing his family. He moved with my Mom to be with her family.
Now he is very happy. He get's to see his great-grandchildren, and is doing better. I knew he would give up and die, if he stayed in the Nursing Home.
I made the choice. I do not regret it.
There are programs through DSS that can help. Find your local DSS and have them evaluate your home and Father. They will decide what they can help you with.
God Bless You and what you are doing. Good Luck.

I had this same problem with my mother-in-law too. She still tells me she wants to go home. But her Dementia has gotten worse, and she doesn't realize her "home" was sold - and she requires too much care now for us to handle. I feel guilty but it is what it is. And Mamoogins said it well. Sometimes it's just best that they are in an assisted living or senior center. Good luck.

I am assuming he has some type of mental decline as well?
My MIL had the same problem, as did my father several weeks ago. My MIL's memory continued to get worse. We told her she was visiting to allow her knee surgery to heal. To this day, she still says she's visiting and doesn't know any better as she has become almost totally nonverable and doesn't know who we are any more.
My father's favorite doctor, that he trusts more than anyone suggested it was just time. We could no longer provide the intensity of care he required and told us our health was beginning to suffer as caregivers. When and his doctor told him he needed all the care that they provided, he settled right in. He now has friends, enjoys the daily activities and has all the care he requires. After a period of adjustment, he is actually much happier now than he was at home, because he is around people his own age that he can talk to.
It's like sending your children off to college; they just need time to adjust.