Family members dropping by without calling first.

Question

I am a full time caregiver of my grandpa who has dementia. My grandpa is a very difficult man to take care of. My aunt (his daughter) thinks she can drop by at anytime at his house without calling first. I don't like to be disturbed while I am "working". Yes I'm sure many of you will agree that caregiving is hard WORK! I even have told my mom and my sister to tell my aunt to call first before she drops by but she has no regard and she thinks she doesn't have to call or it's not important for her to do so but to me it is rude. She even interrupted our dinner by stopping by with her and her kids and I was not prepared for any visitors. It go to the point where I recently locked the garage door while I'm on "duty" because my aunt has a garage opener to the house: and I put a sign on it that says "If door is locked, call or text (me) first because we may not be home. Better to call/text in advance to ensure someone is home."
I even turned off the doorbell ringer so my grandpa doesn't answer the door to strangers and let them in.
Even my grandpa's home nurse tries to visit without giving me in advanced notice when she's coming over. She stops by when "she's available". Then she complains to my mom (grandpa's older daughter) that I didn't answer the door. Well my answer is, I was never aware that the nurse was coming by and she didn't schedule an appointment with me and 2nd the ringer was off. 3rd let me know in advance so I when you're coming and call me on the phone.

Anywho, if my aunt was the one caring for grandpa full time or when it is her turn, she can set her own rules but for me. All I ask is that people call first before my work gets interrupted.

ChristinaW · Accepted Answer

I think it boils down to "respect." Bad manners and lack of common sense abounds.
If I were you, I would text your aunt while she is getting ready for work in the morning (?) and if she doesn't reply, call her. Call her at work. Keep calling her at unexpected times. Ask her what day and time she's coming over next. Do it several times and she may get annoyed.
I think I woke up on the wrong side if the bed. Lol. I hate rude thoughtless people!!! BLAAAAH !!!! xo

Delbert · Answer

It is absolutely rude & anyone who says not has never experienced that total lack of privacy or maybe it just doesn't matter to them. I've had the same situation for 5 years now & I find it really annoying but I've gotten used to it now. People seem to forget that it is your home too & you have your own needs to attend to, you might need to go to the bathroom or nap while grandpa is sleeping because you were up all night with him. I put a sign on the door when I don't want to be disturbed too & that helps. I also send mass emails to everyone with updates on moms condition & gentle reminders, maybe invite them over at a specific time. I try to inject a bit of humor to keep it light but still get the message across.

AlwaysMyDuty · Answer

caregiver, I sympathize. I've always considered it extremely rude to just drop in on anybody, even family. Your aunt knows what a telephone is and she should use it. If you are taking care of her father, it's the least she can do. You aren't depriving her or her kids from seeing grandpa, you'd just like some good manners applied.

Whitney · Answer

It is indeed rude to stop by without calling.  I had an old boyfriend many years ago who would drop by unannounced.  I couldn't stand it.  At least, in your situation, she does make the effect to visit, which is good, but with most people having cell phones, etc. there is no reason why she cannot give you advance notice.

Veronica91 · Answer

Don't be so uptight.
Keep your usual routine and stop worrying about unexpected visitors. If it's dinner time keep on eating, maybe invite your aunt to make cup of coffee herself if she wants to sit and visit. Be pleasant but don't wait on auntie, it's not your job.
If you go out leave a note on the door for your unexpected visitors.
I assume you are young and feel relatives are looking over your shoulder so get the confidence in yourself and tell them if they feel free to critisize they can take on the job. if grandpa is happy you have done a good job.

caregiver75104 · Answer

Some people don't have an issue with people dropping by spontaneously but that is one of my pet peeves. I don't like to be interrupted while I'm "working" if I'm not informed in advance.. If one doesn't have an appointment for a visit, it doesn't guarantee that we will be there or I will even open the door. Some people would rather try to waste gas coming over trying their luck instead of dialing a telephone scheduling a visit.
I try to give the highest quality care for my grandpa - taking him out to the park for exercise and fresh air and sun; giving him activities; cook and prepare meals for him and the family; take him with me so I can run errands, etc. I want to walk around the house freely without wondering if an uninvited visitor will walk in on me. When it's my aunt's turn for caregiving her dad, what she does is her business.

JessieBelle · Answer

You are so lucky to have people coming by. I feel like we live in a mortuary here. I would love for people to come by as long as it isn't in the middle of the night. It may be that your aunt feels she doesn't need to call, since it is her father. I would say not to worry about the house or if you're ready and welcome people who want to be part of your lives. The world needs more of them. :) It would be nice if they called first. But if you are like me, I would feel like I needed to clean house. If the visit is a surprise, I don't have any warning to clean -- I like that, since I dread cleaning house.

Family members dropping by without calling first.

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