I can't be anymore clear with my only sibling about how I need help. My mom lives with me, husband and step-son. I'm 34 and have been doing this since my mid-20's. I chose to be the sole care taker, I get that I chose that, and with that comes responsibility. But what I don't get is that I've cried to my older sister, have asked her in vulnerable times, have asked her in "normal" times, have emailed her, have talked to her, and I still can't get her to commit to 2 hours a week. This last run at it, she finally committed to Sundays, and only showed up 2 out of 4 before she said Sundays were no longer good. I'm now waiting patiently for her to possibly come up with a new date or time....She even cancelled on me so she could "go out for St Patrick's Day!" How hurtful is it for someone to tell a caregiver they can't help because they have decided to go out and do something fun !!! She has no money to financially contribute to the help I already pay for myself .... What else can I say to her that will kick her into gear? Is it too late? DO people change? Should I just save myself the upset and look to other sources at this point?
My friend went to visit her Mother today and it was an hour of getting griped at. She left there sick to her stomach.
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And try to accept that this is Not Your Fault. It isn't that you didn't ask in the right way or give your sister multiple opportunities or explain yourself well enough.
You decided to provide care to your mother. You sister decided not to.
It is really that simple.
I try not to be judgmental in these cases, because I don't know the background. For all I know your sister was abused as a child, or neglected, or she has a mental illness herself. But you know the situation, so go ahead and feel judgmental, if that helps.
As far as taking care of Mother goes, pretend that you are an only child. Like all caregivers you absolutely need respite. You need time to yourself to recharge your batteries. You need to get out and away once in a while, and to do something other than get groceries and go to the bank!
Here is what we did for our mother: Called Social Services in our county and asked for a needs assessment. The intake worker came out and interviewed Mother, with one daughter there to make sure she didn't weave a fantasy about not needing help. The county social worker knows of a lot of resources in addition to the official county programs. For example, she recommended a non-profit organization that provides respite care for a very low fee ($4 per time, I think). And she recommended applying for Medicaid, which has a lot of benefits for persons living in the community as well as for when a care center is necessary. Remember that it is your mother's income, not yours, that determines eligibility.
1) Vent all you want about your sister's total lack of help.
2) Don't count on her. Get the help you need elsewhere.
Good luck!
Save yourself the upset and look to other sources (your own words)- I hope you find them.
Really it sounds like you have already figured all of this out already. No need to rehash the old "you chose this, your responsibility,etc"
I am sorry that your sibling won't help you and your mom.
I am sorry that I was hated and treated poorly by my MIL for 39 years and am now the one that tries to do the things for her severely demented self that I would want done for me -if it were me in her shoes.
I am sorry for all the children who are taking care of parents that never cared for them in the same manner.
I am sorry for all of the miserable adult children who leave their siblings to carry a load that should have been shared. They are awful people- it would be awful to be them.