I am my 90 year old grandmother's caregiver. I wish my family would help me.

Most family members don't really think about their parents or siblings when there is a caregiver. As far as they are concerned, they have everything covered, so can go on with their own lives. If a caregiver is living with the person they are caring for, then they may also think that the caregiver is benefiting. They don't stop to do the math.

I know you would like to keep your grandmother at home if possible. I would talk to the rest of the family about doing that and get their input. You can figure out together what each is willing to do. I don't know your grandmother's condition, so don't know if a nursing facility may actually be better. I do know that you can't afford to live without any money, so you need to get some for yourself from somewhere. Sadly enough, people often take advantage of those who are the most vulnerable. We have to give our lowered self esteems a good kick in the butt and look out for ourselves.

I understand what you mean about family members having a lot and not thinking about others. I have one brother who is fairly wealthy -- contribution to the family: one visit a year, with minimal time spent with mother. Then there is the other brother who lives locally -- contribution to the family: occasional visit, with no conversation at all. His family did buy my mother a plant for Mother's Day. They gave it to me, because they won't be here. (roll eyes)

It is sad that many adult children see their parents as a safety net when they are younger and an inconvenience when they are older.

I'd like to add to Ferris1's comment that you should tell them that either they will have to help you financially or THEY will have to put Grandma in a home. It has been my experience that family members who choose not to help, generally don't want ANY responsibility for the elderly relative's care. They don't want to have to make those decisions, so they don't have to be the "bad guy." If the Uncle is the only living child of Grandma's, then UNCLE is going to have to step up to the plate here. Sounds like you got sucked into this because you are local and everybody else lives out of town.

It is commendable you are helping out your grandmother, however, we are not the ones you should be talking to and venting with, it should be her children. Ask them to help you financially or you will have to put her in a facility. Do not ever be afraid to ask for money since you do not have much. You are putting both lives at risk - hers and yours. If you want to be there then be responsible and get help from family, church, agencies that help with food, etc. Have you applied for Medicaid? I guess we need more information about how old you are and how you became her caregiver instead of her own children. Best wishes.

Was there a family meeting, discussion and decision on how Grandmother should be cared for? Or did you decide that you were going to take care of her full time? I can't tell from your post. Is there just the one uncle? What about your parents? Sounds like you need to ask for a family meeting and see who shows up. A family meeting may help with a mediator from the Aging Agency who may be able to put together a Care Plan. All the comments seem to be helpful, make yourself a plan so you feel more in control and then move forward. God Bless.

I work for an Area Agency on Aging in my area. I would talk to your local one and ask about being a paid caregiver. It is something Medicaid allows to happen. Also, alot of times families are willing to help if they know their is an issue. I think alot of us caregivers just assume that family should know we need help bit on the outside everything looks together so they may think you are handling it.

It's commendable that you stepped in to care for her full time, but in the process, have you robbed yourself of the ability to be independent once she's gone? There are options for your grandmother's care that would allow you to have a job. Without a steady job, who will support you once your grandmother is no longer there to care for? It's possible to be a loving granddaughter and still plan for your future.

"Since no one lives close, in your situation, by neglecting the caregiver, they are neglecting their mother."

-well said.

Most of the time family does not help and care giving does go to one person, not fair but consistent. When the family discussed care giving in my situation, they never suggested pay and when I would bring it up they would talk over me. Since no one lives close, in your situation, by neglecting the caregiver, they are neglecting their mother.

When you call the senior services, and they come out for the interview, you will ask to get paid for care giving. If her only income is SS. and she has no other money, you can get paid. There is nothing wrong with her going to daycare either, gives you a chance, for some time for yourself.

When you do get paid it is a union job, and can go on your resume'.
good luck!

I agree with everything that Everishlass said. I think my first step would be to call the department of aging in your area. They are a great resource. I'm assuming you're pretty young. You need to work and to have a life, and your grandmother will need more and more care. I would try find a way for her to live with her son or someone who can afford to house and care for her. If you go to work, there are adult day care centers where she could spend the day.

I don't feel that the entire burden should fall on your shoulders. Perhaps tell your uncle that you are going to work as you need to make a living. If he cares for his mom, he's going to have to step up to the plate. I have two siblings, and I do most of the work, so I totally understand your pain. I have learned (as have others on this website) that you have to stand up for yourself! I wish you courage and strength as you go forward!

jigent,

When it was decided that you would be your grandmother's caregiver did you discuss how you would survive financially? You can't be expected to live on no money coming in.

I think it's great that you stepped in to help your grandma. I know you want to do what's best for her and give her the best care you can but if you have to walk away in order to get a job so you can support yourself then that's what you have to do. Did your family expect you to not work in order to take care of your grandmother?

I'm sorry that you're getting no assistance from your family. If you look around on this site there are a million posts about that very topic so you're not alone. Yes, it should be a group effort but that's not always the case. Is there someone in your family you could go to? Do you live with your grandma? If you live with your grandma is your family expecting you to use your grandmother's finances for your own necessities? Was any of this discussed before you committed to being her caregiver?