Dreading the upcoming Mother's Day.

Well, how's it go Debralee? At least it is over, no? My daughter gave me flowers and then said "Is it over now?!?" haha

Harpnjack, my family is dysfunctional. I am fortunate that I learned to not expect anything different from them years ago. If we can stop wanting people to do things they are NEVER going to do, well that is the first step to being free of them. People only have as much power over you as you allow them.

When we can accept our flawed parents and don't expect anything different - well it's the first step toward parenting and satisfying ourselves.

And acceptance doesn't mean putting up with bad behaviors. Acceptance means that if you are incapable of ignoring such behaviors than give yourself permission to protect yourself by staying away from people who hurt you.!

And feel good about it- believe me, some parents take a great deal of satisfaction from hurting their children. Encourage your partner to take that power away from his mom.

A person who is capable of realizing that the parent is not meeting their needs and is hurting them is equally capable of parenting themself and protecting themself from harm. They only have as much powers over us as we give them.

My partner's brother called him yesterday morning to inform him that their mother was waking up in the hospital on Mother's Day. We are horrible because we try to keep her from hurting herself in any manner. We wondered how long it would take for her to end up in the hospital. We ate breakfast & showered & went to the hospital. I sat in the lobby because I knew I was not welcome. I COULD have relaxed in the beautiful day and read a book, but I went into the store & picked out some flowers for his mother and then drove my partner to the hospital. We got home just before 4 PM. Let's see. I did not get to see my daughters. (I usually drive my partner because he is in the care of a pain management doctor. This stress has increased his pain!) From what I heard, all his mother did was complain. She is never happy. It is sad.

Happy Mother 's Day to all dear mothers. After a weekend of our daughter's wedding celebration, we will return home and visit Mother tonight. I urged my siblings to come soon, as it seems this will be her last one. She is now helpless and I must try to remember the positive things about her. I know I had the Mother intended for me to cause my growth in this life. Who knows what has happened to women who are not nurturing or loving to their children. Something scary and devastating, I suppose. It is so puzzling to me, and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I have been blessed with great kids who honor me every day. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be their Mother, and also to be a mother figure for a few of their friends who also had less that supportive mothers. Love to all, xo

@MichkaM, after 20 years of dysfunction from my husband (a whole other topic), then he seeing the true colors of my mother that I lived with for a lifetime and then realizing how dysfunctional his mother was after she died.... things are healing quite drastically.

Alcohol (although not recommended in high doses), does hep calm the nerves. Both would grate on mine. As an only child, small family, and no emotional escape, I found a counselor who I swear is an angel in disguise and an occasional drink helped me cope until the passing of my mother. Now I rarely if ever have a drink and my counselor has turned into a working partnership/counselor to help on some projects I'm into.

Take the lessons you learn (even when overwhelming) and let life teach you. Sometimes we cannot escape our circumstances, but we can sure find ways to cope!!

Btw-mitzipinki- I like your suggestion! Sounds like you and your husband have a good system! :0)

Sometimes it is nice to get suggestions.

Sometimes it is nice to get a gentle nudge in a different direction.

Sometimes it is nice to read about a similar situation. ( ummmm, yeah)

AND------


Sometimes it is nice to hear/read: "I understand. It is hard. You are justified in feeling frustrated" and then stop.

Debralee-It sounds hard, I understand and I think you are justified in your feelings of frustration.

I hated holidays, however, my husband and I made a pact that we make things as short as possible so we could enjoy the holiday. Then if my mother had a bad day, I'd go home, enjoy a drink and chill. My mother was narcissistic (now deceased). I have to tell you there is no easy way to avoid dealing with the holidays when you have someone that drains your energy, but I will say this....

Just because they are family does not mean you are committed to them even if they gave birth to you. It is NOT easy to say no, however, it can be done.

I am thankful that I no longer need to worry about that, but those with great mothers... enjoy the day and thank God for your blessings of a functional relationship. Those who have dysfunctional mothers, do you best and minimize your time. Have a drink at the end and just say, "Hooray I survived another holiday!" ;)

Blessings to you all!

That is easy to rectify. Plan a weekend getaway with just you and Mom or else plan a day in another town with you, your kids and mom so it is a real mother's day for you and her. Tell her in advance to make no plans as you have a big surprise for her. Pick her up early and go off for a day trip including a special meal out. Don't give her details she could pass on to your sister. Go somewhere where there is NO alcohol served at all. You should be able to to have a good day this way.

Ever, I hate all holidays too. I don't like Thanksgiving the very worst. Evil sister and her family won't invite me over. She lives about a mile away and when I drive by her house I see tons of cars there, like half the town, but she won't invite me. So I have to scramble to find someone to have the holidays with. Then later sister says I am uncooperative. So the best day of the year is December 26. Hit the sales.

Have you tried taking your mother out with your children? Before you go out to eat, suggest you dine in so if there is any trouble you can nip it in the bud. Also tell your mother you do not want her to mix drugs it is dangerous, and not around your children. You can take her to her mother's gravesite as long as she is sober. Good luck, and Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day -- Sigh -- I bought my mother a new suit and blouse to wear. I already know that it will be wrong and she'll want to return it. Or it will be too expensive, so she'll want to return it because she doesn't want me to spend my money like crazy. And she'll get mad at me for doing it. Then we'll head off to church and to lunch somewhere afterwards. She'll talk about how she didn't like the preacher and couldn't hear a word he said. Then we'll go home and I'll be free. Sometimes on Sunday I just nap in the afternoon. It helps flush all the negativity from my brain.

Mother's Day is nothing special here, because every day is Mother's Day.

I know.......I've had my mother with me and my husband for a year now. After a brain bleed in Dec., I placed her in assisted living, but she was discharged from there because of her "yelling" behavior. After not finding another AL that I liked,
I brought her back home and called in hospice. We have endured much "bad behavior," and I am sad that she continues to decline and I know it is a matter of time. My mother would never have given the care that we give her, but that's another story. Some morning I will find her ................gone. This is only for a season, and I trust that God's Grace is Sufficient for all of us caregivers. BTW, I have vented plenty on here. The whole process is an emotional rollercoaster!

Venting helps caregivers release negative energy so we can focus on taking care and being around our loved ones. We vent but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate the time we have with mom (or dad)...sure we do...this Mother's Day....next Mother's Day....it's just that being around certain behaviors....negativity, too much alcohol consumption, not wanting to be involved in the special events of their grand children's lives....is upsetting and not much fun to be around........

Complaining-it is called venting. Perhaps I may not be here next Mother's Day. Emotional stress kills faster than aging. Is it so hard to want to have a Mother's Day free from celebrating with someone in a drunken stupor?

The way everyone is complaining................Just think, perhaps she won't be here next year on Mother's Day!

I don't know, HarpnJack, I would just see where this goes. If you partner's mother is "happy" where she's at (and her other son has no problem letting her stay there), I would leave well enough alone for a while. You say she is mean-spirited. I think you two deserve a break, in my humble opinion (IMHO). Enjoy your break -- she will return to you, you can bet on it.

Oh, HarpnJack-I hear you about the dirty dishes. Before my Mom was in a wheelchair she would wash like that. She and Dad still keep the dog's toothbrush in the same holder as the people brushes!!!! And they kept the cat box in the linen closet -with the clean towel and sheets!!!!! It is crazy!!! Does she also have medicine and canned food from the eighties???

Crazy.

Sorry to run on . . . I am going to send an e-mail card to my partner's mother. Although she is not a nice person, it is still Mother's Day & I will not give her that stick to beat me with. E-mail can really be a big help

My partner’s mother walked out of the house the 3 of us share, 3 weeks ago. She ‘ran away from home’ to one of her other son’s houses This woman will be 80 in 3 months. She has very little muscle strength. She is mean spirited. She has made bold-face lies. My partner & I see that she needs assistance. Her other 3 children do not. She has fallen while in the care of 2 of the 3. According to her, 1 son did not check on her for hours as she lay on the floor in the guestroom of his home. She told us about those falls and others. She has broken a hip. She still drives. Her car had damage from things she has hit. She likes to drink wine & sits leaning at a nearly 45 degree angle. Her prescriptions say to avoid alcohol. She drives to the sotre and purchases her own wine. She is mad that we have hidden the step-stool. She is not clean in the kitchen and will watch me like a buzzard when I clean to disinfect. She likes the sink to be dry. She does not clean it first, simply drys the sink. She will rinse out a dog bowl and put it in the dish drainer with the ‘clean’ people dishes. She will wash dishes by hand & leave food on the silverware and the dishes and then blames it on the dishwasher. (The dog the bowl belongs to is mine, but I still do not want a dirty dogbowl in a drainer with clean human dishes) The other siblings think we should move out because everyone is so unhappy. She has not contacted us since her temper tantrum 3 weeks ago. My partner/her son sent her a text to let her know that her friends are leaving voicemails on her home phone and are concerned. She has not acknowledged his communication. One brother is trying to mediate. Apparently my partner & I are the only ones who want to sit down together and talk. We have also suggested an evaluation by a medical professional. Neither of these ideas seem to be agreeable to anyone else.

I am sure there are others who have other family members that do not see the need for an aging parrent to need assistance and that that same parent might not be happy about anything the caregivers do. This is already a run-on-paragraph…. Any suggestions?

My mother has always had a two drink a night ritual before eating for as ;ong as I can remember. She was prescribed Ativan by her pulmonologist, she has COPD. It was mostly prescribed to help her fall asleep without the fear of breathing issues. She failed to listen to her doctors advice about side affects, nor did she read the paperwork that comes with the prescription. I had to tell her not to drive if taking Ativan and that alcohol consumption with Ativan increases the effects of alcohol.

Sorry for the typos in the above post. I pads correct things they should not! :)

Hi I have a question, did your mom drink in her younger years? Why is she taking Ativan? Perhaps it would be prudent to find a geriatric physician to evaluate her. Ativan is not a good medication for the elderly depending on how much and how much she uses it. Could she be trying to mask depression and loneliness? Even independent older adults have feelings of uselessness, despondency, etc. It is part of the normal cycle of aging, as elderly we reevaluate our lives and often regret things we did or did not do in our younger years. alcohol increases depressive symptoms and exacerbates an underlying depression. I agree you need to limit your visit time with your mother for your sanity. I agree with much stated above by other members. I do however think a short time together will be more beneficial than a gift. You can never replace that opportunity once she is gone. Perhaps time alone without your sister would allow you to talk to her candidly about your concerns, if you feel there could be an underlying issue. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but I find a simple prayer or spiritual reading helps me center on mom mothers needs or my child's needs when I am feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities. I do this before going to see her, because although I love her dearly, she knows how to push my buttons. She says things she never would have said in her youth, she has lost her filter as many older adults do! God bless you and your family. Happy Mother's Day to you both. Good luck.

My mother hates flowers. Her preference is being taken out to dinner. Past experiences was always drinking 2-3 alcoholic beverages and eating hardly nothing. She is not favorable to a brunch or lunch. I volunteered to work 4 hours that day and will send her a card. My children live close enough to enjoy some time together. My mother hates me working it takes away time from being with her. I am grateful for my job it is the best excuse in the world for limiting my time having to entertain a person who has little outside interests.

Holidays are so hard here. They just wind my girl up so much. Christmas is like months of anxiety. She loves Santa, hates Santa ( I mean he does sneak into your house). I asked her if she wanted me to just get her the presents so Santa could concentrate on the little kids but she said 'no'. I told her at age 16 she is automatically on the good list no matter what -still worries. If I could do it over and knew the anxiety it would cause her we would not have even started the whole Santa tradition, I think.
I told my husband to NOT get me anything for Mom's Day. It is too hard. -my girl gets too wound up. We have been having lots of behavior issues and that same day is the day we tour her special needs camp( why it is that day is beyond me) -if we try and do that -which she is anxious about -and have her give me a card--- just crazy hard.
So I am with you Eyerishlass ! Holidays are hard!!! I don't like Halloween -(though I do like scary movies) but the fourth of July is OK. I like fire works and the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci Fi channel. :0)
@onceheatedDIL- hee hee on the suxtobeme. :0) You could do sux2BMe, too

Eyerishlass, Tear down that wall!! LOL
I like Thanksgiving the best. Honor the Blessed Turkey! And...
It's fun to grill Kosher dogs and go to the beach to watch fireworks on 4th of July.
Probably the best family day is Christmas when I make prime ribs of beef, Yorkshire pudding, creamed spinach, and Trifle. omg. xo

I hate all holidays. Mother's Day, Christmas, 4th of July, Easter (and I'm Catholic), Valentine's Day...I even hate my birthday. If someone discovers they forgot your birthday then they feel bad and when that happens I have to reassure the person that I don't care if they forgot and it's just a huge mess. People feel obligated to do something for a birthday and no one believes me when I tell them that I could not care less about my birthday. I'll celebrate someone else's birthday---if I have to---but other than that, yuck. Except my daughter's birthday. I like her birthday.

Actually, I kind of like Halloween too because I like to watch all the Halloween movies on tv every year.

Am I completely devoid of sentiment? Hmmm.....

I sent my Mom some flowers and you can upload a picture for the vase. It is pricey- well, the darn delivery fee is as much as the product- but it will be nice for her to get flowers with a vase with a picture of her and my girl. I think it is just a photocopy of the picture I uploaded and printed on paper and wrapped around the vase - not actually printed in the glass- but that is OK. I am going up at the end of the month to take care of Mom and take her to her neurology appointment (YAY_ maybe get some answers finally!!) so I don't feel bad about not seeing her on Mom's day. And I think I will send her a video of me,my girl and my husband (whom she adores) on the day of. Dad will have to open the video message for her and still it is a crap shoot if it actually gets open. I try to send her e-cards for fun and both of them say they don't get them - but I know they do they just cannot figure out how to open them!!!!
OK.
Done and done.
Phew! -thanks, Debralee for the reminder!!!!

:) :) very funny MishkaM

I was just wondering if the name "suxtobeme" was open!

My MIL's birthday is Friday, then we have Mother's Day - oh for the days we could just take her out for a meal or send her a restaurant gift certificate so she could take her sister out for lunch.

This Sunday?????