Going crazy. Need to vent.

Question

My brother and SIL have been in town this week. My mother has been stressed to the max. When she first learned that they were coming in, she decided we needed a big feast. I told her that it wasn't Christmas or Thanksgiving. It was just brother and SIL coming for a visit. We didn't need to slaughter the fatted calf. We could just get a bucket of chicken and keep it simple. She got very angry at that idea and said we always have a big feast when they come -- not true. She pushed until I said okay, we'll have an early Memorial Day BBQ dinner.

It has been a week. She doesn't really want to be around them and has been telling them we can't do things because of me. What! She has been doing so many crazy things around the house that I am about to go crazy myself. Her schedule has flown out the window in her mind.

Today I was calculating the amount of ribs and BBQ chicken we would need to feed 15. I made the mistake of consulting with her. She got very upset with me that I was making things so difficult. She didn't understand why we just couldn't get a bucket of chicken. SCREAM! I told her it was what I had wanted to do, but she had wanted a feast. She told me that never happened and that I was spending all of her money. I resisted the impulse to say I would pay for everything again. She is going to foot the bill this time. Period.

I went back to my room and finished the figuring of what was needed. I knew that if I included her in the plans, there would be nothing buy confusion and anger. And no matter what I would be the bad guy. The sad thing is that this happens every holiday and special occasion. I dread seeing family coming because I know it is going to be bad for me making all the plans and handling all the craziness. Sometimes my mother says that she is so nervous and tired. I want to comment that it must indeed make her tired watching me do everything. At least I'll get a 6-month break from it until Thanksgiving.

JessieBelle · Accepted Answer

horserider, I had to smile at the thought of my brother doing that. If I were to ask him I know what the answer would be: No, I don't think so. It is really okay, since I can leave my mother for a few hours at a time. I have it better than many when it comes to being able to get out. I just have to be around at medication times to make sure she takes them, and to cook dinner.

horserider · Answer

If YOU had the only 7 hrs in 5 days option you might take it too.... .
Maybe talk to your bros & SIL & ask that they call your Mom with some story that will make them seem like angels ---"Mom, this visit we'd like to do something different. You've always taken care of us, this time we'd like the priviledge of bringing dinner". (then restaurant take-out, grocery store catering, whatever). It's OK to work behind your Mom's back if you think they'll go for it.

JessieBelle · Answer

I wish I could, Roni. My brothers won't do anything with my mother. I don't think they like her very much. Come to think of it, I don't think they like me very much, either. They are very into themselves. My brother and SIL have been staying about 30 minutes away while they are here. They've been here 5 days now and we've seen them a total of maybe 7 hours. They don't like to hang around.

BoniChak · Answer

While they are visiting...TAKE ADVANTAGE! Leave them home to "visit" and go OUT! Go get a mani-pedi.....visit a friend...go to a movie.....let THEM sit with her. I try hard to do this when it's MOMS company, not mine. Get it while you can! Treat yourself to something you love. My treat is massage....love it!

capnhardass · Answer

i suppose my grandad would be there--- still talking incessantly. on a brighter note my dad must be sitting right now and listening to everett going on and on and on. eternity with everett, thats pretty fitting for my dad. suckers. im going to hell, voluntarily..

JessieBelle · Answer

Joan, I just pictured going into the light and seeing my mother beckoning me to come on in. I would get back in my body so fast. Ooooh, scary to think. :D

Everything will go fine tomorrow. I just start feeling crazy with all the craziness going on around me. I often think that I must have done something really terrible in a past life to have been sent to hell in this one.

golden23 · Answer

Ah, Jessie - I had to laugh at your "please NOOOOOO!" I am assuming that my mother will be transformed in heaven or I would feel the same way as you do. Old wounds do seem to get opened, hopefully not too often. Praying for you for tomorrow to go well - especially that the morning will not be stressful. I know sometimes are better and sometimes are worse, and life still goes on. Look after you.

JessieBelle · Answer

Thanks, everyone. Weeks like this open the old wounds. My mother is old fashioned and feel that women are meant to serve and men are kings. Her mandate of me was that my brother expected a big meal. Of course, I know my brother better than she does, so I know he would have preferred to eat out.

Everything is lined up for tomorrow. The morning will be bad because she'll be so stressed. The anger is worse when she is stressed. I'll just act like the maid and get things done. Personally I know that even if everything went wrong that the world would keep turning and no one would care.

All of these things aren't new. They are just worse now. Sometimes we hear things like our mother and father will be waiting for us when we get to heaven. Please, NOOOOOO!

MishkaM · Answer

(((hugs))) to you JessieBelle! I have heard that ripping paper is supposed to be very soothing. And lavender. And wine. And , ummmm, oh-chocolate is a mood lifter and hot showers. And kicking your brother and SIL in the tuckus- pretty sure there has to be a study that says caregivers should do that!!! Even if they did not mean to cause you added stress. Go for it. ;o)

Smell the flower. Blow out the candle. (good breathing) 5 times.

yaya51 · Answer

You hope you get that 6mo. break :) oh Jessiebelle I feel your pain! Every time my SIL plans to come visit her mother for a weekend MIL hands us a list of things she "needs at the store" that usually includes enough food items to feed a small army for a week. AND she's got the meals all planned out: a "pot of stew" for one night, a baked chicken recipe (serves 6) for another, a small roast "in case"... (In case what? The queen shows up enexpectedly??) jeez, the one pot of stew would be more than enough, especially given the fact that MIL herself usually eats like a bird! I try to explain that daughter will only be visiting for three days and two nights (and it's almost a guarantee they'll be doing take-out at least one of those nights)...the two of them are never going to go through all that food. "Well, what we don't eat I can freeze." Which would be fine, except she NEVER wants to eat prepared foods once they've been frozen and reheated. She takes two or three bites and pushes her plate away saying she's had enough. "It just doesn't taste the same." Can't tell you how much food has gotten tossed into the garbage that way.

I understand where her desire to be "the good hostess" is coming from but it is frustrating that she can't seem to grasp how impractical (and expensive!) these little weekend meal plans can become. Thankfully I'm finally managing to coax her into whittling her lists down....most of the time.

golden23 · Answer

(((((Jessie))))))) how terribly frustrating! Don't know what else to say except do something nice for you, give yourself a break. Looks like a battle you can't win - I know that kind of thing  - d*mned if you do and d*mned if you don't. No good deed goes unpunished. Can you just anticipate it next time and let the charade play itself out? I had one boss who would decide on the opposite of what I asked for so I started asking for the opposite of what I wanted. It worked!!! He would sort of agree, then think a little and say, "No, I think you should do xyz!" which was what I wanted in the first place. I would look surprised and say", What a great idea!" And everyone was happy. Needless to say he had big control (and other) issues and tore the department apart.  Could your bro and sil help by suggesting that they would contribute a bucket of chicken or whatever? Mother wants to turn everything into an "occasion" which requires organizing (which I am to do) and usually over extends herself, so she becomes difficult because she is too tired, then starts blaming me for whatever. So I understand.  Deep breaths  (((((hugs)))))  Joan

Going crazy. Need to vent.

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