My mom passed away december 30, 2013. She was an awesome mom and I miss her greatly. While she was in the nursing home she had dementia and was confined to her wheelchair. I spent two years beside her and loved being there with her
most of the time. I spent walking her around the nursing home in her wheelchair watching tv, holding her hand, kissing her forehead, and her cheek or reading verses from the bible to her at bedtime. Then there was the other side of me I still don't understand when she wouldn't eat or drink, I got angry with her I know this is wrong. I would say things to hurt her or slap her or even bend her hand back. I know right now everyone should think what a bad son, but honestly when I did these things I knew I did them after I did them if it makes any sense. I just don't know how I could have done these things or why because mom and I were very close to one another. I feel like I should be locked up put in a mental ward or behind bars. I feel I pushed her away and she died because of what I did. How do I say sorry now that shes gone? I truly do miss my mom and feel very empty and full of guilt.
If you are truly wanting to make amends to your mom, do so by making sure you do not repeat this bah avoid in the future with a spouse, child, or other.
Please seek counseling.
ADVERTISEMENT
you felt it would have been your fault if you did not make her
(those things were not true, of course)
deliberately hurting her in your anger and fear was bad and wrong, sure, but it does not negate the good things you did, mainly being beside her as much as you were
I happen to be Catholic and what I did with the things I felt were wrong in how I treated my parents - for example, I did not plan a celebration of their 50th birthday - was to take them to the confessional. Even if you are not Catholic, you could ask for this - I did at least once before I "covnerted" (I was already Christian, just Protestant) but my hubby was a cradle Catholic. And formal counseling would also be ideal - in fact a really good confessor would probably tell you to seek it out as part of your penance!