Answering politely on this website.

I am blunt, and sometimes that translates into harsh. I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings, but the way my personality works doesn't make me the world's best diplomat. I'm working on it and that's about the best I can do.

I've pissed people off on every forum I've been on. I've been called a troll. I've been called 'mean', 'nasty', a cold-blooded b***h, flat out. It always astounds me. I never see it coming. To me, I'm just being honest. For example, on another forum a couple weeks ago this chick is talking about her miserable home life. Everyone treats her like crap because she didn't go to college like her brother did. Everyone around her abuses her, which resulted in a massive meltdown that left her lying in the fetal position, 'rage-sobbing' as she put it, and couldn't function. This chick is 20-something. When I suggested a job, a couple of roommates and a nice, quiet apartment were in order, people didn't like that. I've been accused of having no empathy.

Whatever.

I get tired of tip toeing through everyone else's massive tulip fields and having to encase every single word I say in sugary sweetness. I've noticed this social requirement especially in the 20-something crowd. Can't say boo to them without causing great offense. It gets old.

If grown adults can't handle honesty then they're a tad too fragile to be on the net with all of us 'meanies' and that includes my own two 20-something year olds who act 5 sometimes. I get real tired of their sulking, and that's all of them.

And if people want to go off on a tangent around here, I'm all for it. If people don't like what they're reading, skip it. Caregivers need tangents. lol

" yes " or " no " are childsplay. how much of anything is where it gets complicated.
i too learned ( in masonry training ) that there is sometimes such a thing as a dumb question. asking , was the lazy way out sometimes. if i had a studious mindset and figured it out on my own it saved a lot of pointless chatter. often to this day when i explain something complicated to my son, he'll tell me " got ya " as soon as he gets the drift. it tells me hes thinking on his own a bit.. conversation is expedited and more ground is covered..
so why am i chattering this am ? cause the coffee is unusually black.

I with assandache7, I am very thick skinned and been doing this a long time. Alot of my therapy comes from reading some of these questions - "Can I make my sister help me with mom?" I have to laugh solely do to the fact I have been there, and my first thought is can you make a genie come out of a bottle?? And true so many question are not a yes or no answer. Everyone situation is different every person is different and what makes my mom poop may not make your mom poop. I love this site - it just lets me know I am not alone. And thats good enough for me.

according to " cracked " magazine, ( theyre never wrong ) as many as 90 % of written correspondences are misinterpreted. you cant see the writers body language or mood so its weighed in according to YOUR current mindset. in caregivers that mindset can be anything from exhausted to homicidal. if ive offended anyone, good. its my business and every snide remark is tax deductible.
ive been to the va today and im being approved for the new hep c treatment. it has a success rate in the 90% + range. ive been beaten senseless by the older meds 3 times with no results. this is a HUGE deal..
sarcasm , insults , hurled crap, ALL welcomed. i can take it tonight.

I use a rule for myself. If I am frustrated, I write it or type it down. Then the next day, I read it, determine really how bad the situation is. Then if I am having trouble finding the answer, then I reach out to aging care. Yes, it is true, if you are expecting a certain answer, you can go to anyone, and get sympathy, pats on the back, or whatever you are looking for. What inspired me about this particular website, number one is that for the most part, this is a website that most people do read your question. Yes, it is very true, expect different answers as everyone is human, and if I received 35 reviews and they all had the same answer.

I appreciate the answers, and I also have to be honest with myself. When I am writing for an answer, I am probably (in a caregiving situation) at a high level of stress, and it is very easy to misinterpret anything, when you are in a situation that there is care giving stress of any kind.

Speaking of that . . . I am taking 5 days off with my husband . . . and I am so happy, because I haven't had that many days off in a row for two years. We are just going to drive 5 hours from where we live and stay in a cabin. PEACE. I feel it coming.

Happy Day everyone.

I appreciate everyone's comments… It takes a village, and I have learned from this question to really ask, a question, don't go off on a tangent, if I want to, then I should state (I am writing this to get this off of my chest). Therefore, when someone writes that, I guess I need to be very direct. Thank you again!

I think if I put all of the answers together, I have my answer.

Some people are polite, some aren't. That's life. I usually just consider the source and move on. I think there's a great group of people here but as in life we're always going to get those few who are argumentative or contrary or harsh. They come and go around here and don't really affect me. I trust that whoever wrote the original post will have enough empathetic, creative, and sensitive answers/suggestions to see that one answer that's rude as being the exception rather than the rule.

I usually assume that a person needs to vent. They may ask the same questions, but to them it is a new question that they have not talked to anyone about before. We need to hear people and let them talk about them, no matter how many times it has been discussed before.

Now, I have been rude on a few occasions. It's usually when someone goes on and on with something until it gets on my last nerve. I know I should just ignore and go on, but I am so far from being perfect. Sometimes the devil makes me type something. Great excuse -- the devil made me do it. 3:)

I became convinced that there are dumb question years ago while attending training for election poll workers. FOUR women in a row asked the EXACT same question. The first question wasn't dumb but the next three were. We can all work on being better listeners. We need to listen to others rather than just what's going on in our own heads.

Let's face it, you can't nor should you take the advice of just ONE person responding to a question as gospel. BUT it is wonderful to be able to read multiple ideas and insights from people who are not in the particular trench you are, to help you see through different eyes. It's the whole 'can't see the forest for the trees' thing I think. Sometimes we just need to think outside the box to give clarity, and this forum is great for that. Because none of us are in the same box EXACTLY, but we ARE in the same warehouse! ♥

I am giving book a pat on the back on this one, you also assandache7. It's difficult to answer some questions due to not being able to see the entire puzzle but only bits and pieces of it. Unless we are walking in those exact shoes, it's sometimes difficult to give great advice. And, the answers are definitley related to caregiver experience. Btw, there is no such thing as a "dumb question", hope this helped re-itterate and support the previous answers. Good luck and the best to all.

Thank you Book you said so nicely exactly how I feel.. You just have a better way of saying it.. And that's a lesson learned, not everyone expresses their feelings the same!

I've been here for 2 years. I will admit that several times I wanted to ask a question but it was so "dumb" of a question. I DON"T have Common Sense. That's what my parents told me when I was growing up. I even seriously asked my older if I will ever get common sense. She laughed and said that she finally found hers. So, in the end, I do what Assandy did - Search here. When I can't find what I'm looking for, I then Google it. Sorry, AC. But, I find myself too vulnerable here on AC to open myself to being hurt again. I know what it's like to be attacked twice here on AC. Hurt twice too many times. Ain't no fool to go for the third time. =( When I see dissension on a discussion, I skip it. Or I jump in if I'm brave enough.

And I will admit that I've read when a poster asked a question. And another poster said that she had the mentality of a teenager. Now, that just plain pissed me off. This was a NEW poster and was seeking answers. Yes, we see those questions over and over. But, being New, I knew that this poster wasn't familiar enough to navigate the website. And No Other posters reprimanded or nay-say this "rude" poster. So, I jumped in and "corrected" her.

Truly, there is NO dumb question. It's just our level of knowledge based on how long we've been caregiving. Wisdom based on experience.

I want to add that this is the reason why I posted the discussion: "How would you describe a good listener".. I've notice recently that many members have been emotionally hurt by other members responds.

I've been at this caregiving for a long time and have developed "thick skin" in my opinion many on here have too. I would now consider it Wisdom!! But I also have to deal with changes in my Mom's dementia that are new to me and I find them scary and frightening at times.. Of course when I ask a question it sounds dumb to me but I always sift through the response and find I'm not the first to ask the question..I always use the search feature first so I'm not being repetitive..

A great reminder to all of us. Even with the most detailed descriptions of the situation, even those which sound similar to things we have experienced, there is no way we can understand everything another person is going through. Consider for a moment that you may not have all the facts, that the person expressing the question may have had a doozy of a day and just needs to vent, that you may be reading through the perspective of your own experiences, etc. A great reminder is that you never know the struggles another person is going through, so be kind, always! And if you are the receiver of an unkind message, try to remember that person is facing struggles as well, so don't take it personally.

vegaslady, there is no crime in offering an opposing opinion, I respect a candid opinion, I respect the statement of facts as you have done so many times. Sometimes the questions are garbled, ramble a bit and contain more anger than data. The reader feels assaulted when the answers aren't what they are looking for. So they vent their rage on the person who gives the answer. Venting relieves stress. I hope so, anyway.

I think I'm being taken to task for responding to a question about giving a parent alcohol against doctors orders. There are lots of dumb questions, mostly because people don't listen, read or think about what they're saying. Don't continue to enable people to fail to use common sense.

Feelingweary if I'm correct, I think there is a place on this sites home page where you can "report" a person who seems to not have the best interest of others in mind. Til then, I suggest you ignore such hurtful comments. (((hugs))))

I have noticed that the negative or snotty responses have come from the same person consistently no matter who they respond to.

Carol- I second that. Ditto. :'D .

Excellent response assandache. I agree that frequently the information in the question isn't complete enough for people to respond well, and perception can alter the response. Also, caregivers are stressed and sometimes can be short with others. That's not to say this is good, but it happens. Take what you want and ignore the rest is terrific advice in many situations, including online forums - even the best like this one: )
Carol

Lots of times all the information is not given, so respones are given by how it is interpreted by the reader. We're all under stress..Take from the answers what is helpful and ignore the rest...Sometimes the truth hurts..

You are right. There is no such thing as a dumb question. Most people in this community are very polite and kind even when they disagree. Some are less tactful, and occasionally there is a hurtful comment. However, the point of the Agingcare community is to lend support, giving advice gained from our own experiences, and asking for help from others who have been through similar situations.

Please keep coming back and don't let one answer dissuade you.
Carol