I am so depressed.

Question

My partner left me in December.my 88 year old mother lives with me. I work full time. She doesn't have a clue how much I resent her. .I lost my relationship because of her disrespect. She has been catered toall of her llife by me. I hate her for thinking I should devote my life for her. I lost the person who means the world to me. We were going to have a life. We took my mother lovingly into our home. She was a nasty unfriendly narcissist. My partner moved out of state. I am devastated. I have great in home care for her. I stay in my bedroom. I took her on great vacations and bought her a mobile home. I need to retire but what would retirement look like. I have no personal life. Her so called family in Pennsylvania know I am depressed. They do nothing. I brought her home to Pennsylvania for her birthday this weekend now it is snowing and I have added stress driving to Maryland tomorrow. She is not stupid. She knows how upset I am. You can't talk to her. She is a jealous old woman. She sees nothing wrong with me living out my years taking care if her. I am seeing a therapist. I miss my partner who left in December. To make matters worse my partner wants no contact with me. Lessons learned.....I have been a wonderful daughter and this is the thanks I get. Its all about her. I take great care if her and doctors visits etc but I hate her and I keep my distance.

musiclover1211 · Accepted Answer

Thanks ismiami for your feedback.  I am working on the resentment. I am also knowing that right now I have to regain my emotional strength. Resentment is a terrible emotion. I hate it. So I must take one day at a time and heal. I hope you are doing OK.

lsmiami · Answer

Caregiving is tough enough without resentment, you cannot go on being in the same situation. It may be time to find an alternative for mom. Once you do that perhaps you can write to your partner and try to rekindle things, or move on and have time and energy in your life for someone new. Relationships seldom break up over a single thing and sometimes a better one is just around the corner.....the key is to be in a good place to be able to welcome one into your life.
Get yourself to a good place.

musiclover1211 · Answer

Thanks JesseBelle and Captain for being in touch. I really appreciate it. I am here for you too if you need support. One day at a time. Not sure if my former partner will come back some day or not. Right now I just need to figure out how I can move on. Take care both of you.

JessieBelle · Answer

Long-term caregiving can be very depressing. It changes life so much. I remember, musiclover, you talking about how bad your mother treated your partner. It was a horrible situation for her, I know. Our parents can overtake our lives until it becomes like living someone else's life. What I wish is that you could get back together with your friend, but that doesn't sound too hopeful. Maybe we should all move together into a divorced colony of former caregivers when we can.

Today doesn't look to good, but tomorrow can always be better. I'm sorry for your broken heart. I started out here with a broken heart, so I know how depressing it is. Time heals, thank goodness, and the hurt and anger mostly go away. I hope your healing time is fast and you find another love that you didn't know was out there for you. ((((musiclover))))

anonymous158299 · Answer

im speculating here musiclover because i havent been in a relationship in 15 years but somehow i feel like the partner who couldnt stick it out with you would vanish in 15 minutes if you were to fall ill..

musiclover1211 · Answer

Thanks everyone for commenting. I appreciate what nancy73, Stephanie777 and Eyerishlass had to say. Its true what my therapist said. I set my life up this way so my mom is only acting the way she knows how to act. I guess it would have meant the world to me to hear her say she wants me to be happy and to have endorsed my relationship. Instead she acts oblivious to my grief. I miss my partner. She made the house a home. She was not treated well by my mother. So I have a right to be hurt that my own selfish mother doesn't care that I am alone. I am taking one day at a time. The loss of my partner hurts. I just have nothing to look forward to in life.

nancy73 · Answer

I understand how you feel.  I am a 41 single woman that gave her life for her parents.  My Dad's other two children were uninvolved and now it's just mom and me - the other two kids have their own mom now that Dad is gone. I am a total caregiver of her - I feel so overwhelmed, so used and now she is just helpless - my depression has increased over the last few months - hugs to you!

Stephanie777 · Answer

I can relate to your situation, i'm 55 and taking care of my 87-year-old mother. Wish I had a partner to share my life with. But there's no way I could even try dating while taking care of my mother, I couldn't devote time needed for a relationship. The biggest fear ,and I feel so guilty about this, is that she will live  another 5 or 10 years and I'll never get a life, I guess I'm telling you this because I don't want you to feel like you're alone. Keep reaching out.

Eyerishlass · Answer

I'm sorry about your breakup. Caregiving places such strain on relationships. Give yourself some time to move past it, it won't happen overnight.

If you catered to your mom your entire life who she is now is the monster that was created. She doesn't know any other way, she has been conditioned to coming first in your life. I don't know if there is any way you can change her attitude, there probably isn't, but you can change yours. I agree with Horsepilot. Begin the process of placing your mom in an assisted living facility. She's not your responsibility anymore. You've done enough for her and she doesn't care about the sacrifices you've made. Find her some place decent and move on, rebuild your life. Taking some action is liable to help your depression and if it doesn't talk to your Dr. about getting on an antidepressant. Staying in your situation is the easy thing to do. Making healthy choices and taking action will be more difficult but will pay off in the long run.

musiclover1211 · Answer

Thanks Horsepilot for your response. Good that you didn't lose your husband. I am glad you made it work. I will get through this period of time. Take care and I appreciate your feedback

Horsepilot · Answer

Maybe it's time to look for assisted Living facilities.  Sell the mobile home to help finance it.  If you look hard, you can maybe find a small group home that has an opening and they shouldn't cost much more than in home care givers.  Good Luck!  I almost lost my husband because of my Mom and I worked overtime to find a place that she could afford.

I am so depressed.

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