I've don't remember ever wanting to be a mum. I'm turning 27, my husband is turning 30 this year and the pressure is on to pop one out. We just shrug these people off and say "We don't want kids. Didn't want them when we first met 8 years ago, still don't want them now" and try to change the topic, but people just don't understand that we mean it. H**l, we're saving up so he can a vasectomy for his 30th birthday. We're lucky that the family we're in contact with (our parents, my mum's sister and my husband's sister) don't give us pressure and totally support our decision, but his extended family is relentless.
The pressure seems to have gotten worse since caring for my grandmother. They don't realise that this is a full time job. She has dementia and she's violent. Even if we wanted kids, we wouldn't want to raise one around her because she's scary and abusive. Plus, the costs of caring for her mean we live on the poverty line. We live week to week and throwing a pregnancy then a kid into that mix would put us below the poverty line.
When I say I basically do everything a mum with a toddler does and I couldn't deal with a kid as well, I get told "It's not the same" because the generations are around the wrong way. I didn't realise that changing her diapers, feeding her, bathing her, clothing her, dealing with tantrums, stopping her from hurting the dogs and cats, having kids shows on TV all day cos they keep her happy/calm, being up 4-5 times a night because she's calling out, not allowing her off the toilet till she's done her business, cleaning up her mess, and having food thrown at me was totally different to being a parent because she's 85 instead of 3 and she didn't come from my body.
The only way I can see caring for my grandmother as different to being a parent is that I don't like my grandmother and generally, people actually like their kids. She was abusive to my mum and aunt till mum was 18, moved out of home and took her then 10 year old sister with her. My grandmother has always been a nasty piece of work and I'll never forgive her for what she put my mum and aunt through. I'm lucky that my mum broke that cycle of abuse and is still an amazing mum and woman, and I'll always be grateful for that. Mum was showing signs of depression and heading for a breakdown, so I took over as my grandmother's full time carer. I'm literally doing this for my mum, not my grandmother.
We always get comments like "Caring for her is practice for having kids" and "Don't you want her to have her great-grandchildren around her?" and the one I hate the most "Who will do what you do for her when you're her age?". I hate it so much because I can't help but think having a kid to look after you when you're old is a pretty crappy reason to have created a human being, plus I wouldn't want to force what I do on anyone.
I'm not looking for support or anything, I'm not wavering in the slightest about my decision to be childfree. I've been dealing with people telling me "You'll change your mind" or "Your body clock will kick in when you're near 30 and you'll want 10 of them" or "Every woman wants to be a mother, even if they say they don't, they secretly do" for over 2 decades and if anything I've become more childfree in that time. I was just curious if anyone else here got more pressure when they became a carer. It seems odd to me that people would see being a carer as "practice" or dismiss it because "it isn't the same" and wanted to know if it seems to be a common thought.
You better hope you have caregivers from a different faith from you! If they acted like you, you'd be left in the corner sitting in your dirty diapers because you are of a "different faith"! Additionally, I've seen so many people, especially Southern white Christians, spend more time in church than in science classes! That's helping to destroy our economy and our future! Why do you think we have doctors from elsewhere, that our kids' proficiency in math and science drops lower every year compared to those of so many other countries? The reason is that they value education more! Wake the hell up!!
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When I read your comment I thought it made good sense and was not hurtful. My childhood was different from yours, and I am so sorry for what you've experienced. I have depression. I feel for you and hope you continue to heal for yourself. I've thought too of the restrictions that life unintendedly brings. I've never wanted kids, so I can't help you there. I tutor, and rescued animals, and other things that were good places for me to put my love. I thought about being a Big Sister, but that's not for me. Keep fighting the good fight to heal for YOU! That way I'll know I'm not the only one. It seems that I was in need of your help in my thinking. Thank you for writing here.
Best wishes!
This is based on my own experience and observations. When I just looked back at what I wrote, i just see how bitter I'm really feeling right now. Please don't take my words to much to heart. I'm just feeling very upset, and injusticed these days and just don't know what else to do with myself anymore.
Perhaps you didn't mean that statement the way it comes across to me, but are you seriously saying remaining childless by choice proves those individuals are incapable of providing a loving home?
Caregiving has taught me more than I ever wanted to know, surviving abuse has taught me more than I wanted to know, and that's eventually facing the truth that, I may not be able to live my dream life.
If you don't want children then there is really nothing wrong with that, so many children I being abused, mistreated, neglected and killed because they weren't wanted, it's best for people who are fully capable of love to have children, than those who struggle or are not.
For example, I had an endocrinologist who was from Nigeria and in another city until we got one here where I live. He is from Egypt. I never asked either one of them what their faith was for it really was not relevant to the help that I needed. The last one we had here several years ago was Caucasian and I have not idea what his faith was either, but he was a good doctor.
if not for them id feel ( and be ) alone in this world right now .
no offense to those who are childless , but i too fear for our race .
white people mechanized and modernized this world . it isnt something to be ashamed of by any means .
Being a mom I never wanted my kids to take care of me either, sure to come visit but thats it I already have it where I go to a NH. But like guestshopadmin son is high functioning autistic, my daughter is asbergers( in process diagnose and my son ,lets start with probably bipolar) I worry about my kids too and want a good job ( soon) to save for them as well. Even if no issues, I never had kids for them to take care of me, I wanted kids and to be a mom. Some peoples views vary for sure.
I wish you and yours the best and a wonderful life.
Saying that, isnt there anyway your grandma could go to a NH? Hugs
If you really look at programming on television, movies, baby making is pushed as if it is a sacred duty. I think it is more economical: there are tons of industries poised to make lots of money off of people who have kids. This includes the welfare industries as well. I refuse to patronize them: I rather buy what I like, go to bed when I like, wake up when I like (within reason: I have to work). I have to say my mother has never ever bothered me on the subject.
It can be found, there is an out of print book by Ellen Peck called 'The Baby Trap' focusing on the advertisement pressure to breed. Interesting enlightening book. I was fortunate to read it back when it came out in the 70's. Very counter culture. Refusing to follow the lifescript is still counter cultural.
On my own observations, as birth control has become more reliable, safer and accessible, the pressure to breed has become almost hysterical in pitch. Just my two cents worth.
Before you suggest putting her in a home, she's on a waiting list for a government home, but that list is 8 years long and we can't afford a private home. Mum and my aunt had my maternal grandfather in a private home because he was way too much for any of us to care for while waiting for a government home and that basically bankrupted them. So our only option is that I care for her.
I was an only child so I had no siblings to practice being a "Mom" to.... nor did I do very much babysitting, didn't like the crying and tantrums. So when I did get married, it didn't matter to me if we were able to have children or not. Turned out I was unable to conceive. Did I miss not being pregnant and going through child birth? Not really.
My significant other has two grown children from his first marriage, and there are times he wished he and his ex-wife had chosen not to have children.
All sarcasm aside, you may need to be polite and direct. It sounds like they know they are getting to you and enjoy getting a rise out of you. If you need to comment, maybe you could say something like "I know you mean well and clearly you get a lot of joy from your children and you want that same joy for my husband and me. At the moment, children are not a priority for us. We may change our minds, we may not and we will have to live with the consequences of our decisions. I'm sure you have no intention of being hurtful but the repeated comments, regarding our decision, are making it more and more difficult to enjoy our times together. You've made your opinion very clear and I respect where you're coming from. I now ask that you respect ours."
No need to say you will stop attending family events. If they continue after you've made yourself clear then they are deliberately and intentionally trying to hurt you and make you feel "less than". Just look at them straight in the face, smile and say absolutely nothing. Awkward silences can be deliciously deafening!
Although I sometimes do wonder what will happen to me when and if I get to old age but I must say I've never regretted my decision. Stay strong and stay dignified in your approach.
I DID dream of having a baby, a beautiful blonde blue eyed girl....and I was trying desperately to find someone to take her from me.
When breast cancer drugs put me into menopause at 48, I did feel some loss...but it was the loss of another life...a dream life of someone else. A person I could have been if things had been different. I was sad for a few days but never think about it now...now I am just relieved not to have periods anymore!
I used to tell my brother I didn't like kids when I WAS a kid. I was bullied a lot when I was younger and for some reason I just never wanted to have children and make no bones about it. I get a lot of "you poor soul" looks from aunts uncles, cousins...all of whom had tons of kids, they all seem happy enough and I am happy for them. That is just not what I wanted.
I am, also as oddly, very active in animal rescue, wildlife rescue, environmental issues and veterans rights and while all of that has had to take somewhat of a back seat while I am otherwise involved in caring for my Mama, I remain informed in my interests and do what I can via lobbying and writing letters, making phone calls, etc. so as not to lose touch with who I am.
I am different I guess. Kids were never a part of my dream...I applaud you for knowing what you want and sticking to your convictions.