Staying in bed if no one else in house.

It's too long a story to explain why I and other members of family think my mum is manipulative and believe you me I have looked at things from other perspectives. And there is no doubt she's lonely. I go to my mothers every day as does my son and he sleeps there a few nights a week. I am there between 2 and 6 hrs and she will then get up for some of the time I'm there as soon as I say I'm going even if my son is there she will go back to bed, my own life and social life is also being affected. despite being capable she doesn't make herself a drink or a snack. We give her her drinks and meals and she has a cupboard near her living chair full of snacks and her bedside cabinet is kept toppled up. I try different things to stimulate her and will keep trying to encourage her to get involed with a day centre etc. one can lead the horse to water but unfortunately one can not make it drink. I will discuss with GP help. Thanks

Daviesmd, how much time do you want to spend with your mom? How often? How about your son? You have complete control over that, so think about it carefully. For example, perhaps you are willing to spend one hour every other day with her, plus a four-hour stretch on the weekend. (Just as an example ... not as a recommendation.) If that is what you are comfortable with, then explain to Mom that that will be your schedule. Except for emergencies, stick to it.

You can also offer Mom suggestions about the other hours of the day. That might include attending an adult day health program, going to the senior center, inviting friends in for cards, having in-home help, or anything else you can think of. Just make it clear that you are only going to be there from 6 to 7 and Sunday afternoons. Acknowledge that you think she needs/deserves more help and companionship than that, and you will help her arrange it. But be firm about your own direct time with her.

You cannot control what your mother wants. You can control your own actions.

I urge you to not give up on the possibility of treatment for depression.

Why are you attributing this to "manipulative behavior"? Maybe she feels safer in bed. Or without the stimulation of others in the house, she's sleepy. Or without the stimulation and noise of others in the house, she's afraid.

Look at it from a different perspective than she's trying to manipulate others and see if something pops out.

.. she does NOT want to be alone ... (How come these kinds of typos are only obvious after we click Submit?)

Hmmm ... Mom does not want to be left alone, and when she is she stays in bed. That could be manipulative, since she can see this worries you and perhaps hopes that will induce you to stay with her. Or it could be untreated depression.

But whatever is behind this, it seems to me the best solution is to arrange 24 hour care, most likely in an appropriate care center. A good care center has professionals at getting people involved in activities. It can also be a good setting for trying yet another medication for depression -- they will see that she is taking it correctly, monitor results, report to the doctor, tweak the dose, etc. They will also meet her genuine needs and encourage her to do what she can for herself.

She does want to be alone. She does not want to go to a care home. She probably does not want to be 83 and have COPD. Sigh. That is very sad and I am genuinely sorry for her. Sometimes we just have to make the best of what we don't want but must have.

(Today I don't want to be a widow. Sigh. That can't be changed.)

You are to be commended for wanting to help your mother. Unfortunately, doing what is best for her is not always the same thing as doing what she wants. That makes decisions very tough and painful. Stay strong!

Hello Jeannegibbs my mum is 83 she has COPD and cataracts (which can not be operated on) she has received medication for depression, tried different medication and all have made her sleepy and given her diahorea. She wants someone with her all the time, although she will not admit that We have tried to get her interested in a number of activities without success. She has not been diagnosed with dementia & she is quite sharp.

Daviesmd, you describe the staying in bed as manipulative behavior. What is she trying to make happen?

You haven't filled in a profile but it would be helpful to know how old she is and what her impairments are. Does she have dementia? Has she ever been treated for depression?

In my personal experience, depression causes boredom. When there is no energy or the initiative to take action nothing seems interesting. Depression is treatable, if that is what is behind this behavior. If you are correct and this is deliberate behavior to manipulate then presumably it will go away when she does not achieve her objective.

Thanks, we gave had carers in the past, this didn't help. Both myself and son are at her house every single day and for very long periods. The more visitors she has and more assistance she has she increases her demands. Becoming more and more less independent. She does not want to go into a care home or assisted home living.

Agreed, home care or a move to Assisted Living. She is bored to the point of being seriously depressed.

You need to get her some home care.. They will see that she is up/showered and dressed.. They will help with making sure she has breakfast and takes any meds she needs to take.. Good luck.