The other day, after posting a "rant", I realized that I need a place to write down what is going on. So I'm going to start here. I'm not asking for advice, but all is welcome, without push back.
My mom is 91. She's had a good long life. Had a stroke in June 2013. Was in acute rehab for 2 weeks, then sub acute for 4 more weeks. She developed vascular dementia, i.e., she knows us all, knows the day, date, etc, but thinks that there is a union trying to take over the facility she's in, that there are floods all the time and that the Communists are about to take over (she watches a lot of Fox News.....). We tried her in a lovely AL facility, but she was paranoid and couldn't remember to push the button when she needed help; she fell and we moved her to memory care. She didn't do well there and we added a full time aide. She fell THERE (with two aides in the room!) and ended up with a broken hip. Anyway, post surgery for that (September 2013) we admitted her to a lovely NH. She's done really well there, gained weight, become very mobile with a walker. Great therapists (PT is a sadist, but I think they all are, she's pushed my mom to do stuff none of us would have expected!). Mom was in the hospital for pneumonia in Januray, recovered well and was back up and walking in a few weeks. Fell in June; discovered in hospital that her heart rate was quite low; we ended up doing a pacemaker. Back on her feet in a few weeks. Mom started feeling out of breath in NH a week or so after pacemaker placement. NH dxed pneumonia. Several rounds of antibiotics; chest xrays, etc. We made an appointment to see a pulmonologist, because mom has had pleural effusions in the past. Before appointment happened, she fell in NH, ER via ambulance; blood tests were all out of whack. Long story short, they tapped her chest and the little pocket of bacteria in the bottom of her lung blossomed and sent her into sepsis. She made it through that, is back in NH, after 5 days of being bedbound. No fractures, but she's still in pain. On tramadol. Talked to her this afternoon after second PT session. She said "I'm not in pain, but my legs don't work". Okay, NOT in pain is huge. At least they've got pain meds on a schedule and not PRN, because if you ask her if she's in pain, she says "no". But then she is if she moves.
My POA brother is in Europe for ten days; younger brother is supposed to get back from vacation this evening. Hey, I'm not a hands on caregiver by any stretch, but I'm trying to take care of my mom the best I can. Trying to figure out the next steps. She's got CHF, doesn't seem to be progressing anywhere! Dementia is not of the 'mean" kind, she's just confused about the facts most of the time (asked me the other day if youngest brother had 3 or 4 kids, she was concerned that she couldn't recall 4th kid). NH says not time for Hospice. Hospital says that we are not at palliative care point yet.
Frankly, if this were one of my dogs or cats, I would have put them out of their misery this week. There. I really needed to say that. I don't think that there is any redemption in physical suffering
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I would think that protocol is never to ignore a cardiac alarm. I'm not sure about the internal bleed and what could or should have been done to ensure that there wasn't internal bleeding, but the cardiac alarm should have been addressed.
However, to pursue a case for a wife with MS might cause the surviving husband so much distress that it would only make his life unpleasant, bringing back sad and unsettling memories.
Still, I feel badly for him. I'm glad he has you and your husband's friendship to help him through his loss.
I felt that in many ways he was relieved because he had been caring for her for many years during the slowly advancing MS. he shared that he felt the hospital had not tried hard enough because she was an MS patient, but he said she was still reasonably functional and probably could have lived several more years.
I have been thinking about it all day and it has made me feel very sad even though I had never met her.
It was the same with my own patients. Some of the deaths I just breezed through and others I cried all the way home
I love that you had some comedic relief there in the end, we had some of those with both my parents too, which is all so important, as life isn't all just suffering and sadness. I'm sure your Mom appreciated all you did for her always, and especially there in the end.
One thing that happened as my Mom was Actively dying, was that my 2 brothers had concert tickets to see Peter Frampton, and us 4 girls had to practically Force them to go, as they feared missing our Mom's last moments, but I'm so glad they did, as they heard a New "Frampton" song, and not at all a ROCK song, but one of loss and berievement as Cleary this old Rocker had been through the loss of someone close, and wrote about it. So our brothers came back from the concert with the CD and the song with them, and asked if we could play this song at her funeral. The boys played the song for our Mom, there in the Hospice Hospital, and it was so beautiful and appropriate, called "Not Forgotten". I had them burn the song onto CD for me, and I often play it in my car, when I'm all alone, so it is Mom's song to me, and I miss her, and will never forget her.
I know that you are extremely busy right now, funeral planning and dealing with your own loss and pain, but please know that I am thinking about you my friend, and praying for you and your family, and wanted you to know that I so appreciate your friendship, and hope that soon things will be better, as you find your new normal without the constant worry over Mom's wellbeing. I promise that you will eventually be able to remember her in the earlier years, before the Dementia and the pain and sufferings of old age. Take Care Love!
Strauss, Saline Fiddlers, Big Band and Mariachi music will be for starters.
Barb, it is so comforting to know that you were able to find peace for yourselves as well as for your mother. And use that music therapy for yourself over the next weeks and months, whenever you feel the need!
I need to tell you two stories, just so you all remember that life is a comedy that doesn't stop for death.
As my mother's breathing slowed yesterday, starting around noon, my cell phone rang. Ikea, which had promised to arrange a pick up of some recalled dressers wanted to come. In an hour. OmG!. I called my husband who was resting at home from his procedure yesterday. I now have three dressers worth of furniture on my bedroom floor.
Returning to my mom's room, my SIL (who you may recall, was not on board with hospice at all till earlier this week said " why is this taking so long? Pop ( my dad) it's time to come get mom!". I started playing my mom's favorite arias, from La Boheme, Norma, Turondot. We played Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman. Carousel, South Pacific. SIL'S phone and my tablet were blasting out Big Band, American Songbook, Puccini and Broadway by turns. We sent mom out on a cloud of song.
And after she was gone ( it was just SIL and I in the room at the time) and we had a good cry and a hug, we separated and said in unison "Team Mom!" and high fived each other. And of course, that's when my brother and our family friend walked back into the room.
They're going to be telling that story for years.
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad your mom is free of her pain and suffering. My mom passed away in May and my 15-year caregiving journey came to an end at that time. I know I did the best I could for her, so I am at peace with her passing. I hope you can feel the same about your mom. You did your best and I'm sure she knew and appreciated that. {{{{Hugs}}}}
So glad you had the day in the park with your grand baby to help carry you through the magnitude of mom's passing today - as Glad mentioned, so many losses recently and your words and counsel always a shining example
We sit with you in grief
Thinking of all the caregivers who have lost their loved ones.
My Condolences.
SO SORRY for your loss of your dear mother today.
Sending comfort prayers and love to you and your family
during this difficult time!
Love,
from Sendhelp
Take extra good care of you. *hugs*
I hope you'll stay around on AC. You have valuable insights to share. And perhaps you'll have some questions on your new journey.
So many deaths this year here! And many of us around about the same amount of time.
💜Bella
((((Barb))))
Perhaps it is a blessing your mother did not suffer for long and passed quickly and peacefully.
We lost our mother last year. She had fallen and fractured her hip (and arm) but at 101, there was nothing to be done for her except morphine and keeping her confined to bed. She lived 3 long months and the rapid decline and the side effects of being bedridden were horrible and we felt helpless, knowing that she would never have chosen this. Prayers for you and your mom.