Caring for Mom who didn't care for me.

I just turned 40 and I feel like I'm drowning and there's nothing I can do. My mom's latest husband passed away 10 years ago and since then,,,my mother had no place to go so I took her in. BIG MISTAKE.

She was much into the gambling since when I was a baby and I remember when I turned 10, she got remarried and dumped me to her mom which is my grandmother to Korea. She returned from the states somewhat separated from her ex-husband when I was 16 to drag me away from my grandmother's house. She took me to this small town, and rented this tiny one bedroom for myself for a half a year so she can go gambling again. Yes she did pay rent but I never had a home cooked meal by my mom until I was much much older.

When I was 9 years old, my mother would constantly pull me out of school to take me to her friend's gambling house for days since she was afraid her ex -husband would come looking for me since he couldn't find mom. She would disappear for days. She would take me to this gambling house and she would play cards for days. She didn't cared where I was or if I ate or not. I would sit in the corner for days until she lose all her money then she would beat me saying she lost because I was bad luck. She took me there when I was in school!!! My childhood with my mom was just going from gambling house to another gambling house. When I was raised by my grandmother,,,I was a happy kid although we were very poor! I went to school everyday and I was fed and well cared for.

When she brought me to America, it got worst. I could not even speak English back then but my mom would not come home for days or sometimes weeks. You guess it! She started gambling again. I did very well in junior year but she didn't show up to any of the parent-teacher meeting thing and she didn't cared if I had all A's. Eventually, I got mixed with wrong crowd and started drinking and smoking. My mom? She probably had no idea since I would not see her for weeks. I started to work as soon I got to the states and I saved up quiet a bit, but everytime I save up enough to do something nice for myself or just feel good about saving,,,my mom would raise hell when she comes home looking for anything to sell. She would tell me to borrow money from my friends so she can gamble. If I didn't,,,she would act like a little kid crying and screaming. So I always gave her whatever I had in my bank and in my pocket. She took my savings many times. I had literally nothing to eat at home but rice and shoyu for few years when I was in high school. I lived like that for another few years until I was able to move out . She got remarried and I moved out happily.

When her ex-husband passed away 10 years ago, I was left with broken/depressed/anti-social/BROKE mom. I had her move in with me. I still cared for her even though she didn't care for me. She didn't work for past 20 years and she refused to do even light work. She depends on me financially,emotionally and physically. I try taking her out to church or somewhere to have her socialize, but she refuses everytime. I do all her chores like picking up medicine/driving her to places for anything/taking her to doctor appointment and even cooking. She stays home all day and watchs tv all day. She refused to work and when it comes to her birthday,,,she always ask me to buy her something nice and expensive although I don't ever remembered my mom buying anything for me. I even paid my own tuition when I went back to school. she asks me to buy her make-up which would be like $400 a month. I paid for her dental implants which was like 40G and I've worked years to pay that off, she smokes pack a day and constantly ask me for more money.
I have been very depressed since she moved in with me.

I don't know when was the last time I felt happy. I got engaged to this beautiful girl but my mom refused to move to another state or live by herself. Long story short, I'm still single and I'm 40. I want a family of my own too, but I know it's impossible with my mom. All my friends are amazed at what I do since my close friends know what I went through. They all tell me to dump her like she did me but I just can't find it in my heart. I'm her only child and it makes me feel guilty everytime I think about it.

I'm pretty sad everyday thinking this will be my life forever without having any friends or my own family. I can't date anymore because I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I have no social life because I constantly worry about her and my mom basically don't want me to go out and just stay with her all day if I'm not working. I feel like there's a ton of weight on my shoulder and I can't just shrug it off. It's been there for while now and I did okay so far but I'm wearing out emotionally and financially.

I must've done something bad in my past life because I feel like I'm living in hell everyday. No joy in life. Just work and pay bills and take care of my mom who never cared for me.