Mom wants to come home for Christmas.

You are right and I know that it's not realistic to try to give her everything she wants. A good friend if my mins told me once I spoil her to much. I said it was my turn to spoil her because she spoiled me. But she also did what was best for me and told me no when warranted. We have went to another level of our relationship where I have to do what's best for her. Thank you all for your honest answers and council.

Sweetheart, did your mother give you everything you ever asked for? Let you stay home from school whenever you wanted to? Allowed you to go out in the winter with no shoes because that's what you felt like doing? Do you understand what I'm saying. You have to do what's right and safe for mom, not necessarily what she wants.

For just a moment, set guilt aside and look at the reality of care. No oxygen= 911 call and possible death. Wild stories? If you lose your temper and yell, she will tell NH staff you abused her. Stairs? I guarantee she will try to use them. Another 911 call. Incapable of doing anything? You will have to do what three shifts of nurses and aides do. Not humanly possible.
You are not the bad guy. You are not a miracle worker either.
Do what is SAFEST for her, not what she wants you to do.

Thank you to all if you. I so many times feel like an island but this forum always is there to see me thru. I am hosting 10 people and have been trying to wrap my head around doing that, getting my husbands laundry done while he's home (he will help with that) getting ready to leave fir 10 days and taking care if mom. I was going into panic mode. When she asked me yesterday I was vulnerable because if the anniversary if dad's passing. I have emailed her nh social worker to help me tell mom no without being the bad guy. I am hoping the dr says no and the nh says not enough time to get it organized. I know she is safe there but she says they treat her bad. Someone is there to see her almost every day and there us no evidence they are. She lived with me for 2 years and decided to go to nh on her own because u left her to much to go to work. She was able to take care if herself then but wanted more attention then i could give but was taking care if her, working and finishing graduate school. The guilt seems to just be part of life anymore. When dad died he was 56 and went unexpectantly. It was terrible but there was healing. With mom it's been perpetual terrible fir over 5 years now. I know when she leaves us it will take a long time to get over the feeling if not doing enough. I know u need to talk to someone. Maybe the caregiver organization knows of something.

When my dad lived in a nursing home I felt guilty all the time too. And I learned the hard way that the nursing home was a little protected bubble. Take my dad out of that bubble and things were a mess. He too was on oxygen and there were always the tanks to be mindful of and his entire care, when I took him out of the nursing home for the day, was up to me and it was too much. It's why he had to go into the nursing home in the first place, because I couldn't care for him at home anymore and I was no more equipped to do it on special occasions.

I took my dad out for Christmas because I thought that was what was expected of me. He too had oxygen. And his incontinence didn't magically clear up because he was outside the nursing home, I had to stay on top of it all day. I know it was nice for my dad to be with his family but it was a very long day for both of us. Had I been the one hosting I couldn't have done it.

I think guilt goes with the territory when we have an elderly parent in a nursing home and it shouldn't. But for the time my dad was in the NH I felt guilty every day of my life. My dad had no idea I felt that way and he never tried to make me feel guilty, I just did. Ugh, I think about that time and I want to cry.

Be true to yourself and don't let that guilt creep up on you. If you have to cook and host Christmas you can't care for your mom at the same time. Most people who are in NH's don't leave for the holiday. Their family brings the holiday to them because it's so much easier that way.

If it was me, I wouldn't open that can of worms. I'd have a "special celebration" with mom in the nursing home and leave it at that. There are so many things that could go wrong - or nothing could go wrong and your mom could start begging you to come home for all kinds of special occasions. If she's doing OK where she is - and it sounds like she is, leave well enough alone and as cmagnum said, get some help in dealing with your unfounded guilt.

Tina78, I'm glad that you still work full time for that has probably been a life saver. My mother was in a nursing home for 4 years and constantly wanted to go home although she was not capable of doing anything for herself either although she thought that she could. I am an only child as well. I constantly told her that her doctor did not consider it safe to discharge her which she never remembered.

From your description of your mother's medical needs, it is not possible for you to do everything needed to take care of her too. Given the realities of the situation it does not sound awful to tell her that the NH won't allow it and they wouldn't. I don't think that I'd make her any promises about the future. You have not done anything to feel guilty about, but you might need to talk with someone about that guilt and why you are feeling that way. Prayers, hugs and love to you.