Hitting a wall.

I think I just need to vent, but lately I'm hitting a wall.

My mom has dementia, and she's getting worse, fast.

Tomorrow I have to drive her to the doctor to check on an old bedsore that is taking forever to heal. Then next week I take her to see her doctor, which is long overdue.

She's been in the hospital a couple times the last year, and panics about the slightest thing. One was the hospital bill, which was $1200 after insurance (she cancels her supplemental all the time -- has done it four or five times in the last decade, saying it's too pricey). Now she thinks the $1200 is huge, but she can afford it, and frankly it's reasonable after she spent a week in the hospital!

But it's her confusion that really brings me down. She seems like a confused, lost child much of the time. She gets bent out of shape about things that are meaningless, gets strangely boastful (my neighbor said I have the most beautiful apartment in the world!) or paranoid (the visiting nurse is spying on me!)

We're getting a social worker in to look over some options. My mom thinks it's for help for her medical bills, and I think that will be discussed, but the real issue is my mom needs to go to assisted living and will not consider it, though she did really well when she spent three weeks in one in November.

Now, at the time when I'm needed most for this (and there is no other family to handle it, but thankfully my husband is supportive), I find I barely have any strength. I'm angry going to work, or want to cry, or I want to just give up. My home is a mess -- I'm way behind on decluttering and cleaning -- I'm depressed, gaining weight, getting no exercise, eating poorly, frustrated, irrationally angry about things that don't merit it, sad about things that normally wouldn't bother me, and just tired.

I'm glad for the home nurses, which was started up after my mom spend a few weeks recovering from a fall, but now she thinks she doesn't need them anymore and guess who gets to bear the brunt? All I want to do is throw her into a home and toss out the key, or I want nothing to do with this anymore. She fights me left and right, makes accusations, says weird things like her cigarettes keep her alive or she threatens suicide if she doesn't get her way.

You can't have a conversation with her at all. She never was the greatest listener, but now it's all about how everyone is jealous or spying on her or stealing from her, or she picks up on one word and goes with it, however she wants. She honestly would be fine talking to a mannequin's head, I swear!

This shouldn't have to be a constant burden, should it? I'm sorry this is so long, but I need to vent. Can I draw a line in the sand and say, you have to go into a home. You can't take care of yourself anymore, and I can't have you live with us. (Due to the smoking, that we have stairs, that she would try to micromanage everything in our house and everything we do ...)