Now I know why caregivers get burnout.

Question

Dad moved in 8 months ago after mom died mainly due to finance and loneliness (OK mainly finance). He wanted to get knee replacement surgery. My sister the RN (who lives many hours away) said he should. I wanted him to lose weight first. Anyhow, be pushed and found a doc to do it (I let him set this up on his own hoping they would not do it) Fast forward to this week. He had surgery Monday, my sister came in for 2 days, then went home. All the time giving me orders. While at the hospital tells the nurses she is one and telling them what he should be doing..... Yeah that went over well. Hence to say they were happy to see her go too. I'm an EMT, it means I can put a band aid on you and help keep you alive to get to the hospital, after that the pros are in change of their own place, so I know what and when to keep my mouth shut and just ask the right questions. Now dad is in rehab. So i have got no work done all week, (lots of snow to move) and run back and forth to the hospital, now rehab, get him his breakfast and dinner (didn't like the hospital food) manage my business and take care of my house! Now it is the phone calls "can you bring me this?" He did not do the 2 pre-op meetings on what to expect, he did not pack any belongings for rehab. He just showed up for surgery and expected everything to be done for him....... Typical, mom did everything for him, pack make plans etc..... So now I have to pack his clothes, walker, prep my house (already did with a previous senior living w me). But there was no pre-planning on his part. He got his shave kit and some underwear out on his bed pre-hospital so I guess that constitutes packing? I told him I would not be making meals for him, the place has good food. He wanted special coffee which I got for him on the way to rehab to make him comfortable when he got there. Oh did i mention I had to arrange his transportation (wheel chair van showed up and we needed an ambulance) and visit and pick the rehab sites for him that he should have done previously? This is a man who a year ago was running his remodeling company with subs and customers and billings...... He has no medical or mental issues, he only moved due to money and being lonely. So my day is getting my wife off to school, run my business, do the shopping, cooking (lots of eating out this week) and tend to him and trying to earn a living. He did not do any physical prep so he is way behind in getting up and about. I am taking the hard approach that "this was your choice, you have to get the motivation to get out of rehab, you have to want this , it is up to you to get out of bed and walk". Yeah I know I am being tough love but I have to. My sister arrived and he just melted, all of a sudden he couldn't walk. When she is around he cant do anything. Different when its me and him because I don't do everything, I will assist when it is absolutely necessary but he can do it. So she left me with everything "I have to go back to work, if you need anything I can come in and be there" Like I need another person in my house to treat like a hotel guest.... or "Dad can stay with me for a few months"..... It will last 3 days as he and my BIL do not really like each other... so she knows it will not happen. I had no clue when I offered to house my dad, don't get me wrong I am not unhappy he is here as it is my duty but even with him ambulatory it is still a lot of work. Day 3 he says, once this heals I will get the other knee done........ He was not happy when I said, lets wait a year and see how things go...... I have to have a life here or we wont have a place to live! SO to all the care givers I feel your pain! My siblings get a fee ride..... I do daily emails to the family to keep them aware of his status. I got one phone call from my brother (the oldest) after surgery then promptly hung up as dad called him at the same time, My sister called because she left something at my house I had to ship home to her and that she was going to call the nurses to tell her how much meds to give my father because "she does this for a living", since then nothing.... To all the care givers I reach out and give you hugs...... because on this end there is nothing.......

PhoenixDaughter · Accepted Answer

You have far too much empathy honey. his leg hurts - thats a good thing it is showing that he has exercised it properly.
Doing his own cleaning albeit badly - tick
Showering - tick
Deodorant - throw it out and buy him one you can tolerate - tell him how it affects you and if he wants to stay its YOUR RULES NOW
Chatting to your wife - now this is difficult - you may have to be rude once or twice and say DAD - I am trying to have a conversation with xxxx we havent seen each other all day so please let me talk and dont interrupt
Do get him out - often churches have clubs during the week and a couple of hours is enough for you to at least breathe
Good job on the siblings - if they cant do something - they cant interfere either - put up or shut up is my motto
And learn to say no - it is really hard and he may sulk but you have to have boundaries as someone else said YOU MUST or you will drive yourself to insanity
I wouldnt dream of asking your financial status but if I didnt have another room to go and be private in I would go mad - is that a possibility for you - even if you have to move things around a lot. good luck sweety xxx

tgengine · Answer

Ive been trying.... god knows I have. He is getting better, his mobility is better. He went out with a senior group the other night and complained about his knee having to walk too much. So I guess that is a good thing. He just made Easter candy (his annual thing), as requested he didn't make a hundred dozen just a few. I just got done cleaning the kitchen afterward (chocolate up the back splash, all over the counter and on the floor). Its like having a 5 year old make breakfast. It is his thing and I let him. He does not clean well so I had to re clean it all before my wife gets home. I guess I am glad he can do this stuff so I let him do it and suffer the rest while I can. I have to be thankful for the little things. I am trying to grouse less. He is doing his own laundry and taking showers albeit every few days, I cant stand his deodorant (I am very sensitive to perfumes as it is, migraines). But we are progressing. The weather is getting nicer, trying to get him out of the house to do something. I will call the lady at church who I know who is his age and see about getting him out more. She just lost her husband so I know she is looking for company and trying to get more people out to do things. He is not the kind of person to search out others or go to one on one events unless it is hunting or fishing. I hope to find someone who wants to do that this summer to get him out. It is just been difficult as I feel like a prisoner n my own home. I talk to my wife and he interjects. I know he is lonely and anxious for conversation but his are always stories or telling people what to do.
As far as my sister I wrote her off, no need to worry as she called finally and it was all about her so I don't have to worry about dealing with my siblings, I just don't bother with them, it pains me but that is the way it is... The John Wayne characterize was "All on my own"....... Movie backdraft "...it's John Wayne time, your on your own boss..."

blannie · Answer

Well this may go over like a lead balloon, but if it were me, I'd get dad on Medicaid and get him into a facility where they can watch over him and motivate him (or try) to take his meds on time and be as active as he needs to be to recover from his knee surgery.

Does he have frontal lobe dementia? That was mentioned, but I don't see that in your profile. It sounds like your sister is no hope and your dad doesn't want to do what will make you happy (for his own good), so it's time to split the households. When he's in a facility, he'll be around others his own age, so that will limit his loneliness. Otherwise, it sounds like you're beating your head against a brick wall for no purpose. You tried, dad isn't willing or able to comply, so change it up and move him into a place with professional caregivers and others his own age.

vstefans · Answer

tg, part of frontal lobe function is initiation. And your dad's is obviously weak or he would not be making such insensitive comments either. Don't sit back and wait for him to initiate stuff, or worse sit around and stew while waiting for him to initiate stuff. He won't. And please let it roll off your back that he listens to your sister and not you. It is what it is - there is probably no valid reason for it, or maybe its the RN behind her name. Or maybe its the consultant syndrome - people get paid big bucks for coming in from out of state with a nice business outfit and telling admin what they ought to do after they find out form the ground troops what really has needed to be done that they have not been listening to. Sister will probably be willing to tell him to do things at your request.

I once sat in our hospital medical director's office and proposed something to which she said "That's stupid, Vikki!" The male colleague in there with me, who also was born and bred in Arkansas while I had not earned my chops as a Southerner yet, said the SAME thing a little later in the conversation, with a more pleasant accent, and hey, what a great idea! OMG!! Do I get PO'd that a female dissed me favoring a non-Yankee male, or do I get happy that what needed done got done? Mostly the latter, because the former makes a great funny story, especially when I tell it while imitating her mannerisms (and accent) reasonably well. Do not let that kind of crap burn you out. If you are getting burned out because it is too much work, that's one thing, and you need an alternative placement, even a day program; but if just hitting your head on the wall of expectations that aren't going to happen, you can take full control of that.

BTW Lemon water is a perfectly good placebo. And I'm not sure what John Wayne has to do with it. Maybe you just aren't manipulative enough to make sure what you tell sister DOES get back to him and provides a little gluteal thermalization. (aka fire under the butt.) Get YOU some good chocolate, good beer, or whatever floats your boat, and maybe share it with your wife but hide it from Dad. And are YOU getting any exercise and eating right most of the time?

tgengine · Answer

While the suggestions sound good in theory in reality they wont happen. The fishing camp is 9 hours from me. I took him out west last year fishing for over a week and cost me a great deal of money (still paying it off), it was my idea and I wanted to do a last trip so to speak so I cant complain. My sister is 8 hours from me. I have a business to run so I don't get vacation time unless I make it happen. As far as my sister I surmise she just doesn't want dad there right now (he and her husband tolerate each other but that is about it). My sister has always taken the she knows more than me attitude all my life so I can't change any of that. She states she does this for a living, well I live with this. She did not have to change my dads soiled underwear for days on end and do his dirty laundry while he brought home a bad virus in-turn which I and my wife got. She doesn't deal with the day to day issues, the 2 months of daily hospital, rehab and drs visits. I do. If I did call her she turns the subject to something else anyway. So it is a futile effort. Even if I did try to talk to her she would tell my dad everything so I am screwed either way. Basic I am on my own. He does PT if they come to the house and make him do it. There is no willingness to go and do other exercise. In his mind he was going to have this surgery and walk off the table and everything would be wonderful. I will talk to the Dr. but my dad will make up his own mind what he wants to do.  I am trying to get him going, He wants to volunteer but he wont do anything to even look into something unless I introduce, find, take or set it up for him. I guess the underlying issue is I'm burnt out. It's only been a year and a half since mom died and almost a year since he moved in. My sister wont take dad even tho she says she will (always an issue). John Wayne time I guess......

cwillie · Answer

Tgengine, I suppose you are the one that will be driving him to your sister's house? It's real easy, simply say  "I'm not doing that". As for the fishing camp, if it motivates him to get off his duff it might be a good thing. Have sis come and get him and they can take it from there. You get a break, she gets to see what he is really like 24/7 and he gets a holiday...win/win/win.

Linda22 · Answer

In a perfect world, your dad would listen to what you say and comply with his medical requirements. But for whatever reason, he is only listening to your sister. Be thankful he's listening to someone. Can you and your sister work together to get Dad to comply? It's about whatever gets the job done. Keep your eye on the objective, Dad's health and well being, and let go of getting your knickers in a knot because he's listening to her and not you.

As for the travel and fishing, I suspect his doctor would be effective at putting the brakes on that.

tgengine · Answer

I do get it but my head is about to explode. I do care no doubt. I talk to him all the time, do your exercise, take a walk, go to the mall go to a store. He went to PT today, said they worked him. This was the first in over a week since PT was at the house. My sister the nurse says take lemon water,"oh that works" for 2 days. He wants to drive 8 hours to her house in 3 weeks , then 5 hours to fishing camp to go FLY FISHING in a creek! Then drive back home to see people then 8 hours back here. I said I don't think that is a good idea, he needs to wait a year to do the fishing or maybe later this summer, it has not even been 2 months but what do I know. He wants to do it, now my sister the nurse says "it may not be a good time to do it" and viola he listens to her. He wants to make a holiday treat, I say sure all the fixing are there, he buys more they sit there on the counter until someone else does it for him. I know I need to manage the meds, I will be more overseeing on that course but I am telling you my hair is on fire right about now. He tells her one thing and me nothing else. I try I really do but he must think I am stupid. It is very stressful right now. If I would fetch and get for him he would be living like a king and proud of it. As he said one day when he was at home and my wife and I drove 7 hours to get there, clean the house do the laundry, bills, food etc... he tells someone on the phone "oh my maids are here" trust me it took me hours to get her off the ceiling.
I do all I can I really do, I get it he is bored and maybe a bit depressed but there are days I just want to blow up but I know I cant. I anyone has recently seen the movie "The Judge" with Robert Downey Lr and Robert Duval, that is my life minus the legal part.... Was not a good movie for me to watch right now....

vstefans · Answer

TG you are not listening. You are staying in your comfort zone just as much as your dad is. He will make no progress, ever, until he has a need to and you are making sure he has no need to. The knee swelling up more and more requires medical attention. You are not getting it for him - you have accepted the word of one doctor saying "ice and rest" and anyone with any real knowledge of knee replacement will tell you that therapy and active use of the knee is critical. You are letting him fail to take his medications, as if when he does not do it, it's no skin off your back. If his meds are in different drawers rather than where he could get them and take them you KNOW he is not taking them. Do the pill counts, not just the drawer search. You are not able to be the coach he needs someone to be. If he does not do it you throw up your hands. The reality is - either he CAN do it and won;t, in which case there need to be consequences. Then the question is, what does he need to do or else he goes back to rehab? Or maybe he has enough depression or cognitive limitations that he CAN'T do the things you are expecting him to do, in which case failing to help him more assertively and extensively is negligence rather than "not nagging." Example - you see fit to help get papers together for taxes, but he "won't" call the accountant, so I guess he just won't file this year? Isn't that getting to be just a little on the passive-aggressive side?

Maybe you are acting this way out of guilt and pity - and the LAST thing anyone trying to rehab needs is pity. You truly, truly need a different approach. You LIKE having him with you and you WISH it were different, but it won't be until you DO something different...and if you can't bring yourself to, you need to give someone else a chance.

tgengine · Answer

So I pretty much gave up (to a point) he got his knee replacement which was his hyper focus. He still eats what he wants which for the most part is OK but he likes his fattening food. I can't fight city hall. I get it he is bored but I can't do anything about that either. He does go to church on Sunday but that is about it. We wont seek out other things to do other than sit and watch TV. I have encouraged him to walk now that the ice and snow is melting but he wont even do that. His knee is swelling more and more, he saw the Drs and basically it is ice and rest which he takes as "I can't go anywhere". He is good at he can't find things as mom looked for anything he lost. I give up, I have tried to help him with is taxes but getting his documents together but he wont even call the accountant. I sent an email to the accountant for him but he wont followup I am sure. He likes to make Easter candy, he went and bought all the fixings, they will sit there until who knows when as he and mom always did it together. I am not going to do it, if he wants it he will have to do it... So am I wrong for taking the give up approach? I get no support from the siblings at all although my sister calls my dad but never calls me...... she tells him what to do and he listens to her but not to me... I tried putting his meds out in a format so he would take them 3 times a day in a pill box. I hope he is as he didn't want me to remind him all the time. Not sure if he is or not... Tired of nagging him..... I found his meds in different drawers so not sure if he is doing it or not... exhausted......

Linda22 · Answer

tg, you may find that when a parent is non-compliant about health issues, it will be easy to constantly be in a low key battle with them.  The parent can become resentful of being told what to do and may turn it into a power struggle ("you can't tell me what to eat").  It can make you crazy and at the end of the day, he may still be drinking Ovalteen.  As some point, you may find you need to stop being the overseer and tell him he needs to take responsibility for his health and being compliant.  I had to do that with my mom and mobility - had to tell her that I wasn't going to nag or remind her about actions that risked her falling.

tgengine · Answer

Yes I get it, I would love things to be different. I do like the fact of having my dad here. He does not to lonely well. We uprooted him from his home. My Grandfather took his MIL in and his stepdaughters son in (he adopted him, good thing he turned out well he is like a brother to me). So it is my lot in life I guess. As far as my siblings that ship sailed along time ago, no worry no help. Hopefully we will all fall into a groove.... someday....

anonymous189417 · Answer

Re-read a few of your sentences.  Why are you living his life.?  He is not going to change and it will get steadily worse.  Stop being so competetive with your sister and let her share the fun.  When that falls apart, he cannot come back to your house (just listen to your wife!)  He can afford subsidized housing.  Believe me, I was the wife who finally exploded twice.  The first time, told the husband I was tired of him spending more time with his mother than me and our kids.  I told him to move into an apartment with mommy.  He got really angry but did listen.  The 2nd time, I reamed his mommy out (not proud of that.)  She was so shocked, that she couldn't come up with an answer.  But, things improved 100%after that.  Since he would not set boundaries, I did.  She stopped asking for whatever I was wearing which did not fit her anyway. And, she accepted the word no without a problem.  Believe me, your wife and kids can only take so much.

tgengine · Answer

Things are getting better, it is just the little things. It is like dealing with a child but with a child you can reprimand them without feeling guilty. Like "dad, put your dishes in the dishwasher and take them out of your living room" or "Dad will you take a shower?" It's hard to make these suggestions. When PT comes to the house he is always full of sarcasm, I tell him, it is not the time nor the place but he does not listen so I come off as the hard headed one or the mean son while I am watching over his meds, appointments, care etc.....  He got released from PT today at home but still under the nursing care because he wants to drive. I am holding that back as he is still on pain meds. How do you deal with a parent when you have to treat them almost like a child? I don't want him to move to independent living and he clearly cannot afford it at all nore would it be beneficial for him as he cannot function on his own (he could if he wanted to). Oh, now I hear him upstairs, he found the Ovalteen (there goes his sugars) dang, just like having a kid in the house.

Linda22 · Answer

tg, just a suggestion, but you might want to look into Plan B (independent living, subsidized senior housing, etc.) for your dad before your awesome wife does explode. It's much better to do the research, look at options while things are calmer than when you get into full crisis mode. In the meantime, you might consider pulling back from the butler, maid, chef roles and let him to do more for himself (whatever is appropriate to his level of rehab).

tgengine · Answer

Yeah, I pretty lucky with my wife, she is awesome! She wants to explode but I ask her not to. He asked today if I was upset with him because I was not talking. First of all i am in the middle of my work day. Second as soon as I start to make a short lunch for me he comes into the kitchen and stands behind me as I am in his way.... It is hard to do things one way and someones else s way. There is no money for him to live on his own, he has a couple hundred left each month and when he starts getting out again there is nothing left a the end of the month. He manages money by looking at his account online to see what checks have been cashed. He is getting around better but he is back to his old ways. Last night I was making dinner and a dessert, he takes the plate of brownies off the counter while I was working with them, eats a piece and leaves the plate on the island and walks away..... like nothing ever happened........ or comes down the stairs for church while I have to drive him. sits down and says someone needs to get me a band aid. Did you think of asking for one? Its the little things......

cwillie · Answer

"How do I get it through to him that this is the way you get treated nicely in life." This statement seems ironic to me, you obviously treat him like a king despite his bad behavior. He has no incentive to change and you are obviously unwilling to change your own behavior. Your wife must be a saint.

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

Why did you not avail yourself of the opportunity to find him a nice Independent  Living facility while he was in rehab? Did you expect  his behavior  to change?

tgengine · Answer

So while dad was in rehab I did have him checked out with a counselor. He seemed fine, a little depressed on the situation. So he is out now and home. He went to rehab and all I got was this nasty virus. The first 2 days was him with vomiting and diarrhea. So I spent 2 days De-conning my house and doing laundry, then it hit me. Oh not so good. Now it is days filled with PT/OT/Home health care coming in and balancing his meds and any time he gets pain its pain pills. We are trying to ween him off them. My wife is a saint, she puts up with all of this. My house now smells like a nursing home, I try everything. Next is a baby diaper pail to put his dirty clothes in, Once he is more mobile he will be back to doing his laundry. He is becoming accustomed to room service. After coming home early from work yesterday, spending the day dealing with PT/OT people, his meds and me on the couch in gastric pain I had to leave for an important work. I made his breakfast and took it up to him so he didn't have to leave his room. I check on him all morning until I can come home. I get home and his workds were "I was going to make a remark about the room service" I tell him all the time not to because I do resent it. I am not his butler, maid or chef. He makes comments all the time. My wife made chicken broth for me last night. While she was doing that he chimes in he likes his chicken soup this way, then proceeds to tell her the carrots were not cooked to his liking.....
This is not a hotel restaurant! I do get annoyed. The entire time in rehab took him home cooked meals, fresh friut, cereal he liked, did his laundry... visited him every day took him out to lunch twice.... If he doesn't make a smart remark about something then it is good. but he makes remarks and thinks its funny. I tell him all the time not to. I was blessed with my mother who taught me to make sure I tell people "thank you" and appreciate what they do for you. I tell my wife all the time "thank you". How do I get it through to him that this is the way you get treated nicely in life.
I am not looking for someone to bow down, just a thank you once in a while. I know he gets pain, so do i, but all I do is wait on him and while I signed up for this and it is my duty how do I change 79 years of the way he is when he absolutely knows better. Now with home visits I think he is enjoying the attention... Also I have to set them straight on with the progress really is, he tells them not always the truth!

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

I just went back and read your posts from last summer, when dad first moved in.  While he's   in rehab, PLEASE have him evaluated for depression and cognitive impairment.  There is usually a geriatric psychiatrist who calls in at these places once a week.

surprise · Answer

You've said he was overweight. You've said you are bringing him lasagne leftovers. Hmmm. Could it be that the nutritionists who work for the facility have created healthy, nutritious dinners of just the right number of daily calories he needs? And you have undermined their efforts with your efforts to earn dad's approval?

This man has been spoiled all his life. As you said his wife did everything for him. However, he made the decision as an adult to move in with you, away from his home town. Chances are, no one would be visiting him there either because he is *quite* demanding.

You don't see this yet, but your family can only take so much from you ignoring them. Put your family first. Give dad the choice, Independent or asst living, or sister's house. Anywhere but coming back to your house. It's time for you to have a life of your own and not sacrifice the rest of your life for dad's ease.

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

Couldn't possibly do that, I meant.

Linda22 · Answer

tg, the thing with self absorbed people is they have no problem with taking advantage of your innate kind nature to get what they want.  Their situation is always more important than yours, and they have no concern for what you have to do to make their situation more to their liking.  There is generally no end to the expectations and demands.   It's quite lousy to have to be saying "no" or "that's not possible" over and over, it feels odd because we are kind folks.  And you come to resent being forced into going against your nature.  But you have to because nothing is ever enough and folks like this have no qualms about using you up.

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

Tg, please go back and re-read all the answers you've received. I'm not sure why you are continuing to "do" for dad when he's in a facility where he's getting food, care and presumably laundry done.

Are you looking for love from him? He sounds like a narcissist. There is not going to be an end to these demands, they will only become bigger and more outrageous. Go out to dinner? With this amount of ice? "NO, I COULD POSSIBLY DO THAT" is a useful phrase .

tgengine · Answer

I think I created a monster. So dad is week 2 in rehab for his knee replacement. He goes through clothes like a runway model. I do his laundry, visit him every day, take him food and fruit. He complains about the food so I take him breakfast he can eat, fresh fruit every day and have lasagna or something I can vacuum seal to put in the fridge and eat when he wants. Sometimes he eats the food, he eats the fruit at least. I took him for a follow up appt and to lunch. Now he wants me to take him out again this weekend now that he figured he can go out for 4 hours at a time. I was planning on his granddaughter to go see him and now it is "take me out for dinner"! OK, lets look at this , we have 4 feet of snow right now, he has seen the 6 foot piles in the city and no normal person who treks mountains for a living cant navigate the sidewalks. There is ice every where., There is not a day I don't plow my driveway open right now. He wants me to take him out for dinner? Oye! I was looking at this on the bright side that I would have some me time for the first in a year and a half to get work done (I work at home) or have some sanity.  Nope, "bring me a coffee, fruit, buy me new clothes..... I need"...... He must be feeling better, now all he does is complain about the food, medicine, being locked up.... THIS WAS HIS IDEA! .......  Head, wall.... no helmet!

burnedout13 · Answer

I have been taking care of my parents for five years. They lived with me for three years. Those three years were awful for me and really good for them.
I did about everything. At some point I started using caregivers to help and eventually they moved to AL. It was a real battle of wills on the AL. I am still on call for everything - but I no longer am responsible for all the meals, medicine and cleaning. It is not a perfect solution but it helped save my sanity for a couple of years. Now as they continue to decline, the care and decisions are more intense and the demands are exhausting. I am there everyday and sometimes twice a day and receive at least 5-7 phone calls a day from Hospice, AL and my parents. Decide what you can do and what is the best solution for your dad and your family. It can't be all about him to the exclusion of everyone else in the family. If you don't set boundaries ( and I didn't) - the demands are limitless and will eventually consume your whole life.

Linda22 · Answer

tg, he isn't going to change this behavior, except perhaps to amp it up. Try looking at this differently - if this were anyone else you love dearly, say your daughter living in the dorm at the local college. Would you be taking her food daily because she hates dorm food, or doing her wash every two days or bringing her more clothes?

You have this breather of a couple weeks to be able to focus on your family, your work, yourself. Please sit down with your wife while it's quiet and objectively assess the situation and what you all need to do/change before your dad is discharged. Ask yourself if you two can continue this way for another couple decades. Not trying to be dramatic, but this may well be the pivotal point for your family where you can determine the path you all go on. For us, the pivotal point was not when my mom needed AL,but 15 years earlier when Dad was in NH, she was able and capable but found she liked having us take care of everything.

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

The purpose of him being in rehab is to work, not to get you to tend him. Go away for a week, label his clothes, let the in house people do his laundry.  And talk to the discharge folks about long term care.

anonymous189417 · Answer

Why are you doing all this?  Do you think he will accept boundaries when he comes home after running yourself into the ground?  This situation reminds me of my late mil, when she would demand my husband to jump,he'd ask how high. The entire family began to avoid her and would block her access.  Stop delivering food, he needs to lose weight anyway.  Let the rehab do laundry, you're setting precedents that he will expect (or demand) when he gets home.  He may have to stay longer if he doesn't do pt.  So be it.  Let your sister take him home, your wife and family deserve to be your first prioity.  I feel sorry for your wife as she's having to deal with this.  I've seen marriages go kaput because one of the spouses  put a parent first in their life, not their partner.

tgengine · Answer

Thanks, Linda22 you feel my pain! I think I created a monster. We pick his laundry up every 2 days (bless my wife for doing it, we split the chores). I bought him 4 pairs of sweat pants, the better ones he doesn't like so cheap ones it is! He has some many clothes there I will need a steamer trunk to leave with it. Now he doesn't have enough t shirts or wool shirts, how much does this man go through a day? He can wear sweat pants more than one day, I wear jeans for 4 days before I wash them! He says he uses 2 t shirts a day? Oh well, at least he is clean.....Now I have to go to the store for a 4th time to buy more sweat pants for him because 2 aren't enough. He sits in a chair all day..... He called this AM, getting earlier and earlier every day, I need ..... "so how is the snow in the yard?" We nave about 4 feet here and I have to plow and move snow every day so I guess I was a tad snippy today.... I bring him food every day because the food is not good enough there.  He is coming out of his pain meds so now the light is going on. I make what every we have for dinner and vacuum seal it and put it in the fridge, I bring him breakfast food and fresh fruit every day how much do I have to do? And all I get from my sister the nurse is she knows everything! I went yesterday in the middle of a snow storm and then had to leave to plow more..... Bang, bang, bang goes my head... no helmet.....

Now I know why caregivers get burnout.

42 Comments

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions

Ask a Question