My Mom was in expensive memory care for almost a year. She recently died in hospice.

A very callous man. Most medical people are reminding you to take care of yourself. The day my aunt passed the personnel were so kind. They brought a cart down sobicould have beverages and snacks without leaving even brought me a more comfortable chair.

Irishboy the doctor I mentioned did more than just talk about my Mom like she wasn't in the room. He threw the covers off of her and said "look at her, shes like a skelton"
and then he roughly pulled her eyelids up and said" theres no life in those eyes" and went on to say "listen to her breathing, thats death rattle"

He had me in tears. Then he tried to make me feel guilty for going home when I had just got through spending the night with my Mom. Unfortunately for me I'll never forget this incident. He however probably just got into his BMW and happily drove off to his mansion not giving it a second thought.

Thats why I called him to task.

Irishboy, you've changed my mind.

Gershun, couldn't agree more. And like you I had no problem speaking up when needed. I went to two doctor's offices after my dad passed and gave thank you notes to the staff and doctor.

But I had no problem speaking up to his awful MD at the hospital when he was dying, twice I had to ask him to step out into the hallway because he was talking about my father like he wasn't in the room.

The first time I was polite, the second time I wasn't.

Doctors are no better than the rest of us, some are great, some aren't.

Maggie Marshall, apparently you don't know how AL's work. This wasn't the bookkeeper who sits in an office and has little or nothing to do with the residents. This was the person in charge of the AL. A good executive director knows his or her residents and their families.

From what the OP wrote they knew this man fairly well. He wasn't a bean counter, that's the accountant/bookkeeper...sigh.

I met the surgeon once, I was touched that he took the time to do this. I was trying to point out that hearing from someone after you lose your loved one helps. So no I wouldn't have been annoyed if I didn't hear from him, I wasn't expecting to hear from him. The point was hearing from people, just a note, a card, a phone call can mean the world to someone while they're dealing with their grief.....silence is deafening, especially when it is from someone you expect some type of response from.

It was very rude of this man to treat the OP like that, and than ignore her email.

Sorry for your loss, but it was quite rude of you to say what you did to the OP. It mattered to her, this man knew her, and her mother, and also got a nice chunk of change out them which helps pay for his salary.

I took my Dad to see his cardiologist after a hospital stay while the Dr. was out of town. The hospital made the appointment and stated over and over it was important to see him within the week for follow up care. We told the admitting nurse why he was there. She scribbled it on his chart. Yet when the Dr. walked in his first words were. "What are you doing here there is nothing more I can do for you." Further he immediately asked what if he wanted to be revived if he dropped dead in the next minute. While I agree this difficult question must be asked a little diplomacy would have helped. Furthermore he should have started by asking why he was there or better yet taken a moment to read that he had been in the hospital. When my Dad asked what he thought of the med changes made at the hospital he said that they hadn't made themt he had when he last saw him which was untrue. He eventually read his notes and did see that my dad was right not him. Fortunately my Dad left mad not demoralized saying Dr.'s don't know everything and lived another year and half. His old GP on the other hand wrote the family the nicest letter when he died. He didn't even have to send a card but he took the time to acknowledge our loss and do it in a very personal way.
No it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't. I wouldn't have complained or said anything but it made us feel better that he did.
The assisted living place where he lived were very kind and helpful as we closed up his apartment and the staff at memory care facility where my Mom lives and Dad visited frequently all acknowledged our loss when they saw us and even shed a few tears with us. Not all are callous. That said had they not I wouldn't have called or emailed them about it.

Well I for one did take a doctor to task for his offhanded, insensitive way of telling me that my Mom should be started on comfort care. I'm not afraid of doctors. I don't understand why people act like they are Gods. They are infallible human beings just like the rest of us.

If I can complain about someone who works in the service industry and isn't responsible for my Mom's health and well being I certainly don't have any qualms about complaining about doctors and other health care workers.

Maybe if everybody called them to task now and then they wouldn't get away with being insensitive.

I'm sorry you found my comment disconcerting. I lost mom after caring for her in my home for a year. It was, I my opinion, a spiritual passing. The LAST thing that would have "moved me" would have been a sympathy note from the facility's bean counter who probably did little more than pass her in the hall.

Let me ask you this: if you HADN'T gotten that lovely note from your dad's surgeon, would you have been insulted? Written him an email and taken him to task?

Maggie Marshall, why did you come on here and say that? What matters is the OP was bothered by this.

When someone is living at AL or in a NH the family gets to know the staff. To not say anything was rude and classless. Especially after the OP sent an email saying how disappointed she was, that gave him an opportunity to reverse this, which he didn't do, tacky and low class.

I received a handwritten note from a surgeon who only saw my dad a few times and performed minor surgery on him. My dad had a very good sense of humor, and this doctor took a liking to him.

The note forwarded to my new address on the other side of the country, I wept when I got it. To think a busy man like this took the time to do this and thought of my father moved me to tears. I called the office and told the woman who answered to please tell the doctor how moved I was.

That is why it matters.

I honestly can't imagine why you'd care.

I believe the problem with most people who work in hospitals, hospice etc. is that they get jaded. They stop thinking of their clients as people cause it makes their job easier.

When I was sitting at my Mom's bedside shortly before she died there was one nice nurse who sat with me part of the night and just listened quietly while I talked about my Mom and how she had been when she was younger.

She was so nice and kind. I said to her "I guess after a while one patient is like any other" She replied "when I start to feel that way its time for a new profession"

Maybe doctors, hospice workers and the like should all be trained to take a break occasionally and do other types of medical just so they don't risk being jaded.

Sobomary, absolutely unacceptable and good for you for emailing him and telling him how you felt, he has neither empathy or class.

Freqflyer, that was a dumb thing for you to say.

Gershun, sorry you went through that.

I remember when my mom passed(she was in hospice and we had just left her less than 2 hours before) I answered the phone and a woman who didn't identify herself asked if I was the husband or the son, I said the son and she said "this is Debbie from hospice your mother is dead", didn't even know who Debbie was.

Very cold, some people don't belong in this field.

Sorry to everyone for your losses.

My view is that in memory care - in residential care of all types, but memory care especially - attitude is everything and attitude comes from the leadership. Borrow some of my late father's temper, walk into the man's office and tell him he's a rude bugger in the wrong job.

Gershun ..my deepest condolences in the passing of your Mom, she sounds like a wonderful woman. My sweet Dad died 6 weeks ago on April 9th. We never received a letter, however they did allow us to leave Dad's furniture as long as needed. They ended purchasing all of Dad's furniture, which was only a few months old, this was a greatly appreciated. It's sad how soon people forget about these special people in our lives. I had just moved my Mom down the month before into Independent Living so she could be near Dad in Memory Care, the hardest part was their not having more time together. I brought my Father in August and could not get Mom here till March as she was recovering from Shingles..I love having my Mom near..I'm sure your Mother appreciated all the love and care you gave her.

YIKES!

My Mom died 6 weeks ago. She died in hospital. The day after she died the nursing home phoned me and said we had 24 hrs. to get her belongings out of her room or they would remove them and store them in a room plus charge us $75 dollars day to do so.
Nice huh?

And no condolence letter. Nothing.

My Mom was one of the most pleasant, kind residents they had there and yet they didn't acknowledge her death at all.

Where my dad lived thet would tell you some one passed if you asked if they were hospitalized they were very vague. I think it has a lot to do woth privacy laws. But the staff was very sympathetic and kind after my Dad's death. They went out of their way to let us know they loved him, too.

At my mother's NH, they don't even announce when someone dies. She just doesn't show up at dinner. My MIL said that it is the same way at her assisted living. One day they are there, the next day they are not. They think that it upsets the others, if they announce each death.

thanks for all the comments. I really appreciated it. No matter, i think that he should not be in the business ever.

Sounds like rudeness to me. Some people just don't have the ability for proper etiquette. While it's a shame, know you have higher standards and forget about him. I'm so sorry about your loss. I know how difficult it can be.

My Mother's beloved physician of 25 years behaved the same way. He was in the hospital her last morning. When the nurse paged him, he said he would be there in a few minutes. Mom was gone within 15 minutes of the phone call. We never saw or heard from him.

My sisters were very upset with him and still are. I never cared for the man at all and just considered him a write off. His sympathy was not important to me.

Never waste your time on an ExDir. They are bean counters, totally unbonded to patients. Show him a bad spreadsheet and he might burst into tears. You know who cares? The Aides. The Nurses. The Social Workers. People with their own hands giving care, the cooks, the cleaners. Not the Suits.

Geeze. my father was only in MC for 3 weeks and they were all wonderful! He was respite for 2 weeks, and we had just signed him in for full time when he got ill and passed with hospice at the MC. They even waived the 3000 move in fee.. we got a refund check! Maybe you should let others know about your experience if they ask... This is unacceptable to me.. they all say it's a family sort of enviorment... We were so comforted by Dads place.. i cannot imagine. So sorry for your loss

No man or woman who is the Executive Director should EVER forgo comforting the family after the death of a loved one. He should not be in this position. Only the most compassionate, caring individual, should oversee the Memory Care facility. I lost my dear sweet Father 15 days ago..Dad still was able to do so much..congestive heart failure occurred and he passed within 12 days. I received calls from the Med Tech (a young girl who no longer works there), Activity Director, Sales people, even the receptionist in Assisted Living My Father was at this facility for only 6 months. Sobomary I applaud you for your courage to send him an email. If you have the opportunity tell him how much your Mother meant to you and you will not forget his ignorance. I wish you well and peace after the passing of your Mom.

sobomary, imagine working day after day, year after year, in a memory care unit where no one ever gets better. The Director probably is now emotionally numb.

He's not autistic, he's just rude.