I'm about to break.

Thank you, mcarver...I am having a birthday party for my aunt June 3rd, which is the actual day she turns 99. Her sister, who is 101, is flying in from Florida, along with her two granddaughters and son. We will have a house full of laughter, and memories. Many others are coming...It'll be tiring but worth it. marymember

only a dedicated caregiver can understand what you go through; and I just want you to know that I have the highest respect for you. I know its not easy...there are days that one wonders what it would be like to have "a life" of their own; but somehow there is something inside of us that wants us to do the right thing. That's what you do. God Bless You.

I am almost 80 years old...I had to put my aunt in a nursing home because I could not drive 150 miles to her run down home to see after her. The neighborhood was a terrible one. Criminals, drug addicts, etc. One neighbor had been shot to death. She had fallen and could no longer walk. She had to depend on friends to bring her groceries and take her clothes to the laundry. (she was 96yrs. old)..She made me POA because I lived the closest to her in miles.
My husband has Alzheimers and it takes so much of my energy each day.

Also, I am POA to a friend who is almost blind. She is 75 and I was able to have her live in her apartment with home health care until she began falling. She fell one evening and wouldn't push her alert button because she didn't want to disturb the neighbors. She stayed on the floor, unable to get up, until Meals on Wheels came at noon the next day.

Then she fell again, and wouldn't use her alert button.

She was falling so much that I had to put her in assisted living. There she has a mini apartment and good care. She isn't medicaid, but when her money runs out she will have to go to a nursing home. By then, though, she may be blind.

It's a hard job being a caregiver....but I do my best...marymember

p.s. My aunt is doing very well in the nursing home. I go real often. The home is very clean..pleasant staff of whom most have been there for years. Good food and a pleasant roommate. It is Methodist based...the chaplain comes to her room and talks to her. She can get around in a wheel chair, tho, so she leaves her room for all meals..marymember

I appreciate all your comments im taking her to see a phychrtrist to check the meds situation. For now my brother is with in the day and im with her at night we had two normal calm nights then last nite wasnt so great what i have to remember as hard as it is when she tries to hit me or says awful things i cant react the normal way you would i have to just let her have her rant and in an hr she doesnt remember it sorry for typos doing this on my phone. If there is anyone on here that lives in Oklahoma city i would like to get a weekly support group going the ones here are once a month during day while im at work

I had to put my mom in a care facility finally at last stage Alzheimer's. I went every day. Was it ideal? No. But I could no longer care for her at my home. I couldn't lift her, she couldn't walk sometimes, Alzheimer's is nuts like that. They can run when they want to believe me. We couldn't fit a wheel chair through my hallways and doorways. I was at that nursing home every day for 9 months until she died. My sister went almost every evening . That is the key. You don't "dump" them there, you share the care with professionals. The more you are present the better the care. It is just that way. You cannot feel guilty about this.If it is needed you do it. My mom was on Medicaid, this was not a pretty or fancy facility, but she was clean and fed and warm. And Loved. I was not the only one who cried when she died, some of the staff cried too. Having her family there humanized her.

Nevermind the typos...what if your grandfather had made it difficult as hell to care of him? Did he abuse you, yell at you, refuse care, threaten you, lie to the doctor, call in APS reports about his care, give your POAs to someone else, weigh 300 pounds and refuse to use a lift, refuse to let anyone else but you help and keep you prisoner in his house 24 x 7 x 365 (in your case x 35)? Or did he mean well but get to demanding that every minute something else had to be done and it was barely possible to go to the restroom while he was awake, and maybe not sleep at night either?

You were undoubtedly a great caregiver. You have not walked in everyone's shoes though...some of us needed to use facilities for any and all or those reasons, and we made damn sure we watched like hawks for all of the reasons you stated. We settled for less than perfect, because we were less than perfect too, but we did not settle for substandard; we bucked and fussed when doctors or nurses would not work well with our loved one, or would not share information with us and our POA papers were copied and distributed over and over again to make sure that we and our loved ones got what we needed. And yeah, we made a few batches of brownies and bought chocolates. A lot of our CNAs are African-American here and mostly gentle and wonderful. They lost stuff sometimes, but were quick to help Mom. Stuff could mostly be replaced. My Dad had a Polish one who especially looked out for him and called him "The Professor."

It doesn't have to be all or nothing or a "dump" - even if it is "trust, but verify." I cannot just agree with the view that assisted living, subacute rehab, and skilled nursing facilities are all horrible places and exist only because some children and grandchildren and spouses are bad or not loving enough people. And...you are writing in the past tense - it sounds like your grandfather has passed on; you have my condolences on your loss, which I know is on top of your losing your grandmother too. NO ONE in their right mind would blame you for his death - again, it was not a thing that you could have prevented, though you undoubtedly postponed it. DON'T let guilt over your grandmother's death in a nursing home make you bitter and make you lash out at people whose experience has been different...I repeat, all nursing homes are just NOT that bad and all people who find themselves needing to use one are not bad people either.

Sorry about the typos here.

To all those here who write that there are good nursing homes out there be my guest take your loved one(s) there and hope for the best. People are gullible. This is one of our weaknesses. We believe when someone smiles at us. People are hypocrites. It is very rare to find a real caregiver. It is almost non existent. Everything is based on money. Doctors, nurses, the so called " professional " CNA's ( What a joke ) all these people base their services on money not caring. If you are a fool you will believe them. Again, I repeat the best place for your loved one to be and to die is with you. The idea of nursing homes and assisted living has been a failure in this country. The animals who killed my grandparent told me themselves that her insurance was paying them $ 500 dollars a day for care that was next to non existent !!!!!!!! Nursing homes and assisted living places are killing grounds with a license to kill and they can get away with that AND they know that. This is why not even the police wants to get involved when someone dies in a nursing home because it is all like a chain. They are all connected. If you do not believe this you are either a fool, a rat that works in those places, or a very gullible person whose opinion will dramatically change until you go through the system, until you end up in these hell places, but by then unless you have someone to help you it will be too late. So, go ahead, find a nursing home for your loved ones and keep smiling......then you will talk about it later. If you are still around. If your loved ones are not that important to you then dump them at a nursing home. I was caring for my granddparent for close to 35 year people, while I was managing school and then work. We never depended on these greedy and disgusted nursing homes and assisted living. I was doing it all alone !!!!!! Am I a doctor? no, but guess what ...I have eyes to see, ears to hear, a mouth to speak, arms and legs to move. I took my grandparent to the hospital for follow ups and care. I asked questions and collected test results. I was deeply involved in my grandparent's care. If you have enough interest in your loved one's well being you do not need to be a doctor. That is why there are hospitals with doctors. You ask questions and follow up on the appointments. If your love for your loved one is so so then be my guest you can dump them at a nursing home or assisted living. We did not depend on your CNA's and so called " nurses and doctors " at those nursing homes who are mostly from the Caribbean and the Phillipines. They can barely speak English. Don't forget to bring candy to those beasts at your nursing home, may be they will like you more.

And I quote from a caregiver article on this site:
It is not our responsibility to take care of our parents.
It is our responsibilty to see that they get care.
Quote is not verbatim, sorry I cannot reference the article.

It sounds as if she needs a low dose of medication to help calm her down. You have to remember, she has dementia and really is unable to control herself as she used to do. Learn how to deal with her behaviors, call the Alzheimer's association. Just because one nursing home was a bad experience doesn't mean they all will be the same. Contact your local long term care ombudsman, they can give you information about what to look for in a home. Also you can look online at nursing home compare, this will give you ratings and survey results for local nursing homes. Check to see if there is a local adult medical day care, it's a great services and mom could go there, eat a meal, participate in activities and socialize. You can ask the AAA about caregiver services as well. Good luck.

Mar126 and helpforlife you both have good points on meds. My father in law has opposite reactions to anti anxiety and sedative meds. Finally straightened him out on Depakote in the am to stop agitation and aggression w/ Seroquel at 5pm as it takes 3 hrs to work on HIM. Everyone please remember home care is different than NH care, meds are often needed to KEEP family home due to incidents Lori described. I have kept a sleep chart, monthly medication record and a cumulative medication chart. This has helped us track when trouble times are and adjust meds. When symptoms started or ended we were able to correlate it to successful meds or to a side effect. The cumulative med record has notes on why certain meds can't be given, didn't work, side effects and times they work best. Monthly record helps me remember what I gave when

I didn't want to put my aunt in a nursing home. (she had fallen and could no longer walk)....at the time we were in hopes she would grow stronger and could live at home again)..but, being 95 years old at the time, she had to remain in the nursing home where excellent physical therapy was given.

Her eyesight was getting worse, and so I made appointments for her and the nursing home took her to an excellent specialist where she had laser surgery..then both cataracts removed, and then treatment for macular degeneration. She had neglected her eyesight and was in danger of going blind. The nursing home van took her to all appointments, and were there many! The driver would not take a tip. The appointments were out of town and involved three different specialists. Due, luckily, to her being Medicaid it was affordable. Didn't cost her a thing..(she had been disabled a long time, but could walk with a walker)....(at first)

When her almost $1,000 macular magnifying glass disappeared, the nursing home would not let me pay for another one, although I tried three times. The director drove to Austin, picked up a new one, and gave it to her. A safety box was installed in her room and the key hangs around her neck.

The person who was thought to have taken it was fired. There has not been another incident of stealing, altho my aunt, who doesn't trust anyone, has thought things were stolen but were not. She just didn't see them.

She will be 99 June 3rd. Her sister is 101 and is flying to Texas from Florida to see her, along with two granddaughters.

Lately my aunt has been suspicious again...but nothing is missing...

So this is one nursing home we were blessed to place her in. I have known numerous people who have placed loved ones here...marymember

My Father's neurologist was able to quell his anxiety by putting him on depakote. It took a few days, but his anxiety level is much more manageable and he has stopped being such a tyrant. He hasn't accosted me or hit me since the depakote. I also practice validation therapy. I agree with everything he says, and if he won't take his meds, I wait for a little while and try again. I hope for your sake and your Mom's that you can get this under control! Best of luck!

People, nursing homes aren't in the business of killing people - it would hurt their profits.

Lori, find a nursing home for her, she is going to either hurt herself or you or your brother, and no a nursing home is not like home, but sometimes it is the only option. Will she thrive in NH, no -- but she is certainly not thriving now. You said that she fell eight times if she is falling that much - she really does need the constant care, low bed, and care a nursing home will provide. Now I see that you are getting the normal NH horror stories but just like pretty much everything there is good and bad. Since placing my LO in nursing home - he had only fallen once in the past six months, that is compared to about six times a week at home. Keeping a dementia patient at home because it is "home" or because they want to stay there, knowing that they are a fall risk and that eventually a fall will happen that will break a hip or shoulder is to me a form of elder abuse. I watched an elderly aunt wither away in a bed in a nursing home after a broken hip fall - bed sores, much pain and no chance of any recovery - it was truly sad and a horrible way to end a wonderful and loving life.
You say your mother is verbally abusive to you as well, this will wear you down quickly, another advantage of NH is that you can leave when she is abusive to you. Good luck.

Lori, did this behavior get worse a few days/weeks after she started taking new medication? In Jan 2013 I thought that I was going to have to place my husband somewhere because of his behavior such as telling me to leave before his wife came home, looking for kids we were babysitting, taking everything apart etc. One day I forgot to give him his morning meds and his behavior improved. After working with the doctor on meds and changing his diet to exclude any processed food, he is still here. He has entered the stage of sleeping 15 hours a day and the bad behavior days are behind us.

Sometimes you just have to let it go. You've done you can. You have my total support. I am dealing with two siblings with similar issues, and I am about to lose it. I am deciding to let go, and just let God do what He's gonna do. I can't fix this.....and you can't either.

Lori - There are good homes out there and your mom will do better in a place dedicated to memory care. The next fall could be devastating and render her worse off if she does fall and break something. Get her to a doctor who can prescribe medication to help as this disease progresses. I realized my mom was frightened and frustrated because she couldn't understand what was happening and she fought with everyone who tried to help. Unfortunately, she also can verbalize what's going. I hope you can find a neurologist to help find mom the right medication.

I'm so sorry for your pain and distress. I feel certain you will find the right path for you; you sound like a truly compassionate and caring person. Life is sometimes so unfair!

Here are some things I found helpful in addressing the challenges of my own struggle and journey with my Mom:

I kept reminding myself that the person is not the disease, and the disease is not the person.

I adjusted my own behaviour to be less confrontational, more patient, more accommodating, less argumentative, less blaming and more understanding. The more I was able to soften my own behaviour, the less problematic my mother's behaviour was.

I learned to never argue; I just always agreed, even when I knew whatever she was saying was completely wrong.

I practiced Q-TIP: Quit Taking It Personally - see the first point above. It's not about you it's about the disease.

I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be in her position. When I did that it was much easier to empathize and say things like: "You sound frustrated and angry. I understand. I would be frustrated and angry too.. You're right. I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I would feel like that too."

I stopped trying to make her do what I wanted and let her do what she wanted.

I made sure to do things to reduce my own anxiety and increase my well being so I could be as strong and patient as possible. I did things such as exercise. it was hard to find the time to do things for myself but it was essential to maintain my sanity.

I forgave myself when I got angry or frustrated or made mistakes or broke down. I'm only human...

I don't know if any of that might work for you, but these are the kinds of things that were helpful for me.

Also, you might want to check out some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She has practical ways to deal with behaviours that a part of the dementia journey - the aggressive behaviour can often be managed by changing your own behaviour.

Good nursing homes with well-trained caring staff seem to be hard to find. They are out there I'm sure, but few and far between :(

Did they check your mom for any type of infection. Extreme changes in mood and behavior that come on quickly, many times indicates something else is going on. Make sure they checked her for a urinary tract infection. These types of infections will send someone with dementia in to a whole different state of mind and it is not pleasant. We learned the hard way when my Mom went totally bonkers. Not knowing that a UTI would cause such problems, we thought it was just part of the process of the disease. She went from being confused and forgetful to being violent and fearful in less than a week. After a couple of weeks, she was just getting worse and a friend who works in a nursing home suggested we get her tested for a UTI. We did and she definitely had one. It took about two weeks of antibiotics to get her cleared up. Unfortunately, we did lose a lot of ground. Her memory loss and confusion were worse, but the violence stopped.

Get her back to the doctor ASAP to try medication first, she needs it bad if you want to keep her home, you also need home help, try County Services or Insurance to see if it's covered. Play lots of classical music, do you have a cat or dog that calms her or will she harm it. Also I know this is not commonly known though it probably is on this forum. This kind of behavior can often be a sign of a UTI in a geriatric patient and most of us find out the hard way! They don't have the normal pre-menopausal UTI symptoms instead they can get delirious, hallucinate and get aggressive. If you suspect a UTI Go to the doc ASAP! And get some Home Help any way possible. You DO need a break.

Take her back to another nursing home. You cannot subject yourself to physical violence and she will eventually fracture something.

My dad, who suffered from, AD was in a nursing home and only lasted 8 weeks. It was awful. I still have guilt. Now my mom is in a very nice assisted living facility. She could no longer be at home and I tried everything. It is not cheap but the level of care is so much better. She still wants to leave and doesn't understand why he's there, but it is a good place. They do exist but you have to find the right one. Usually the better nursing homes are extremely expensive but when the money runs out they can stay there. Keep looking-this has been the most difficult thing I have ever done, because I wish my mom could be with me, but I don't have the room. Also as they decline mentally and physically, you will too if you don't get the help you need.

Dear Lori - I know you're tired, frustrated and at your wit's end. Many of us have been there. Sleepless nights, emotions all over the place and a loved one who is obviously out of her mind (sometimes). My mother lived with us for so long that I developed a heart condition from lack of rest and stress. It took 3 months, but I found a wonderful memory care facility with people who KNEW how to handle her. I saw her every day so I know her care was phenomenal. It was expensive but it saved my life and that of my family. While my mother was seldom violent, there were other patients in this small home who were and I saw how the staff dealt with them. Calmly and firmly. We also had a caregiver for a couple years who came in so I could work. She too was hand-picked and born to do what she does. My mother loved her. Don't make any rash decisions. Do your homework by investigating the facilities near you (check the complaints against them and their ratings). And if and when you do decide to place your loved one in a facility, drop in frequently to make sure their level of care remains high. I can't tell you the level of freedom finding the right place brought to me and my family.

After two horrible experiences with two horrible nursing homes for rehab this past year, I finally found a good nursing home where my Mom is for a few weeks rehab. I couldn't believe I found a place where the staff is so caring. It was like night and day the difference between the places....The star medicare ratings made no difference here. I have read that nursing homes attached to larger facilities in a retirement community with apartments and assisted living are often better than just free standing nursing homes, though the one bad one last year had assisted living in it's building too. Unfortunately there are way too many bad places and greed and 3 week course incompetent lazy staff seems to be a trend that needs to stop. Keep looking and check out these larger retirement communities with nursing homes in them if they are in your area.

Karl; I think you are over-generalizing. My mother who is 92 has been in a nursing home for two years. they have saved her from pneumonia several times, noticed a slowing heart rate and got her to the hospital (she needed a pacemaker). I'd like to say that she'd be dead at least 4 times over if I was caring for her, because I simply don't have the skills that these nursing professional have. Perfect? No, it's not perfect. But mom is much better off that she'd be sitting home with a single caregiver all day long watching television.

The best place for your loved ones to be and to die is with their families, not in some nursing home with strangers. This is the culture here in the United States. They were established to " help ", but greediness for money has made these places the point of no return. These places are dangerous and the public is slowly waking up to the truth about them as killing grounds.

The people at nursing homes are killers with a " license to kill " or a " certificate "/ DONT TRUST THESE PLACES because they will kill your family whether you believe it or not. They will.

Find a nursing home, there are nice ones out there just research and visit first. Your mother needs to be in one asap for her sake and yours. My brother and I visit my mom often. I make sure she is taken care of. I think at this point it's the only thing you can do. Take care and I hope things work out.

To Lori63: Read my posts here. I think you did a good thing by " pulling her out AMA " from the nursing home. I lost my grandmother in a similar situation except mine was worse. I have an injury in my spine. I had two relatives on wheelchair at the nursing home where they both got the cold treatment. Neglect. Lack of hygiene. No heat in the rooms. etc until my grandmother got chest congested. They discriminate in all those places if you are old and do no have much of a family despite what you might hear from people. Hospitals will talk about nursing homes all the time because the entire health care system is based on money NOT CARE. Hospitals love to refer patients to nursing home because they probably get benefits from doing so. Nursing homes just love to charge $ 500 dollars per day ( the rate I heard from them ) for each resident for care that is next to nothing. I think my relatives would have received better care being on the street than in a nursing home. Lawyers know this, but they cannot do anything. It is up to our great legislators who have not looked into this human rights abuse closely because they are busy campaigning. The best care that your relatives can get is at home with their families. I had my grandparent under my care for many more years than you had yours and I lost mine in less than 2 weeks at the nursing home. They did not help them at all. I am amazed how there are still some people out there talking about how good nursing homes are. They are disgusting. They are probably rats that work in those places. Listen, we are all going to die someday. No one can deny that, but if you are going to take care of someone do it with dignity. Make them feel comfortable at least. Do you understand? In my case this did not happen with my parents. Don't trust these places because when you do you will have to be ready for the funeral expenses and the cemetery plots/ or cremation expenses. They are hiring people that they call CNAs which know nothing about the human body. They go for a quick three week course, get a certificate and start " working " in those places. They are the ones, including some nurses too, who have been caught hitting patients. That is if you catch them.think you get the point.