I hate that I don't like my Father anymore...at all.

Question

My father was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago, although the symptoms and signs were there easily 3 years before diagnosis.

My father has always been strong, stubborn, blunt, prideful man which made some relationships challenging, but at the same time he has always been sweet, giving and loving. He has always shown his love for me and having lost my mom when I was 14 he and I only had each other and were close and as I became an adult - buddies. He was my best friend.

Now, he is this mean, hateful, still stubborn 85 year old man whose life is miserable. He has all but lost his hearing, has CHF, parathyroid disease and now dementia. He accuses me, my husband, my son of plotting against from stealing money out of his wallet, breaking pipes to allow leaking in the bathroom (we have a plumbing issue) to tampering with his Ensure. And thats the short version. He accused us of hiding potatoes he intends to cook and throwing out his Pepsi's, stealing his gun, etc.

I really really REALLY dislike the person he's become. I don't want to be around him, don't want to talk to him because when I am/do I end up so mad or so hurt by whatever he has said. But at the same time I miss him...my oh my how I miss him. :(

I keep trying to be hopeful, but I keep reading it gets worse. I honestly don't know how much more I or my own family in general can take. I just want him to be my daddy...my buddy again. Is there any hope? Any at all?

JessieBelle · Accepted Answer

I had a thought this morning on what it must be like to have dementia. Imagine us if we thought we were in our right mind and not doing anything out of the ordinary. Then imagine someone put a video tape on us at night and we got out of bed, used the bathroom without flushing, turned off the air conditioner, then went to hide a bunch of our parent's things before going back to bed and erasing it all from our mind. In the morning we would say no, we didn't do it. But then someone showed us the video. That would be spooky, don't you think? We might not even believe it then, because we have no memory of doing these things. I imagine that is what it feels like to have dementia.

MaggieMarshall · Answer

He's past being the buddy you once knew. And who can blame you for hating version 2.0? Who would?

I don't have much beyond platitudes for you, I'm afraid. Try to love the man he was, and hate the disease that's taken him away from you.

Look through some old photos of him in happier days. Pick out a bunch...frame some in cheap drugstore frames...ttape one on his bedroom door...stick a few on the fridge. All to try to remind you that the dad you see most days isn't the dad you knew. Hate the dementia -- love your dad -- for who he WAS.

Windyridge · Answer

This is such a common lament. I have a very hard time with my Dads dementia. The simplest household issues are impossible. We don't need any help, everthing is fine. Well it's not, it's a big mess and he's driving my poor Mother crazy.

I have to take a breath and remember what a kind, reasonable man he used to be.

openathena · Answer

Wow you are also describing my situation with my dad. He is 87 years old and has dementia.  I had taken over his finances since he's not mentally capable of handling it anymore, and he constantly accuses me of stealing his money. He also constantly yells at the caregiver that I've hired to take care of him and accuses him of stealing his money as well. He used to hide food in his room because he claimed that the caregiver was stealing it. Whenever I go there, my energy gets drained and I all I want to do is leave. Honestly, I wish I wasn't responsible for my father. I almost feel like I was robbed of my adulthood. I often think that and then the guilt sets in, like I'm being a bad daughter. It's a crazy downward cycle. I want to enjoy my life with my husband, start a family and do fun things. But the energy it takes to take care of my father, and be responsible for him is soooo massive that I fear getting sick with some horrible chronic illness. Is there a solution to this? I want my dad to be taken care of but I don't want to be the one to do it! And my father has been so unsocial and sometimes mean to people when he was younger, that no one comes around to see him now in his older years.

Doriana · Answer

You are describing my situation. My mother (82) is the same, I dislike the person she has become and I miss my mum soooo much. There have been moments when I cry in front of her and she asks me why I'm crying? I tell her I want my mum back and she always replies " oh poor thing where did your mother go?". I know its only going to get worse, I am an only child (my sister died when we were children and my father died 10 years ago) I feel so sad and alone at times. I HATE DEMENTIA.

freqflyer · Answer

Take a few minutes and read this link which tells about the different stages of Alzheimer's [which is a form of Dementia]. Sadly to say, he will not get better.

By reading the article maybe it will make more sense why he is accusing everyone of stealing from him... it is all part of the memory loss journey, he can't help what he is saying.

There are other articles regarding this, too... go to the blue bar near the top of the page and click on SENIOR LIVING.... now click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... now scroll down the page to the various articles. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Stages-of-Alzheimers-disease-118964.htm

I hate that I don't like my Father anymore...at all.

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