Caretaker abuse.

Dear Abused Prisoner,
Why do you give your mother the power to come between your husband and yourself, to abuse you, and to leave you with no life of your own? She can't do any of these things without your permission.
I would love to see you set free again and in charge of your own life, even if that means part of your time is spent with your Mom. You need to take charge of your life by setting boundaries. Talk to your husband if you want to continue that relationship. Decide where you will live. It sounds like you decided to move out on him and move in with your Mom. Is that right? You & your hubby need to reach a decision on this.
How much of your time will be spent helping your Mom? Can she be on her own or does she need to be in a facility and what kind? What can she afford? It's not healthy for her to boss you around and control your life. You may need counseling to learn why you let her do this. She is not well, her mind isn't well, yet you let her be in charge. YOU need to be in charge, but it may take a lot of tactful, gentle words to manage her. I'm still learning this part myself. I find it difficult.
Setting boundaries with a counselor's help will be much easier than on your own. There's a wealth of knowledge on this website and inspire dot com, and anything from Teepa Snow. I hope you get the help you need and find the right path for you to follow.

Abused, my mother has mild dementia, but, she has always knew how to push my buttons and anger me long before that diagnosis. She has always treated me like a teenager, and, it's even worse, now. She lived with us for about a year, and, she became so demanding that no one else would help, so we put her in assisted living. My husband and I would probably be divorced by now if we hadn't of. I agree that it is too much to take on a person with dementia all by yourself. Call a social worker at a nursing home and find out what your options are.

BTW, many parents always see their children as willful teenagers that have to be kept in check. My mother will never see me as any older than 15, even though I am 63 now. She is 88 and not likely to change, so I have to preserve myself by separating from her both physically and emotionally. I wish it were different, but it isn't.

Abused, it is very frustrating. I wish we could go back two years and you could have stayed with your husband. I have a feeling that you and I are in the same boat and we need to do something to shed some of this heavy baggage that makes life so miserable. What you wrote about your own problems made me think of something that I've been pondering for a couple of days. Caregivers suffer in silence. Things that are wrong with them are seen as trivial because they are not old. I'm being a bit silly perhaps, but sometimes it seems like a caregiver can have cancer and it still be seen as a smaller problem than if the elder has a rash. And we bottle up the emotional problems we're having dealing with parental anger and disrespect. It's almost like we're protecting a family secret. Besides, no one would be comfortable hearing about it. It is a parent, y'know, and we should honor them. Ack! It can be too much.

Are you able to get away at all? Your mother sounds like she would do fine being by herself a good bit. I wonder if a part-time or volunteer job would give you some free and structured time away from her. We really need to get away from our care receiver frequently, particularly when they are abusive.

Is there any hope for patching things up with your husband? If you could, I would say to run back to him as fast as you can and make other arrangements for your mother. It sounds like she is taking too much out of you without putting anything back in.

I'm glad you found this site. It is a great place to vent. We're not uncomfortable here hearing about less than perfect parents.

Why are you living with your mother and not your husband.? Arrange for care for your mother with her funds or with Medicaid. One person cannot care for a dementia patient.