When to finally give up?

Question

I just spent the last three weeks working my butt off, borrowed money, bought another home for my mother to live in near me so I could help her, working 9 to 10 hrs a day at my work and then came home and worked another 4 to 5hrs fixing up and painting the house I bought for her so it would be a nice clean home for her. Then after a horrible trip from GA to Florida and back for three days moving her here I pull up in from of the house and she goes off on first the foliage I was trimming up in the yard (very overgrown after no one living there for several years ) she was irate to the point I had to get our of the vehicle and go in the house then she followed me in and started on the paint color of the walls that I was painting and just lost it after that. Tried calming her after a long trip to no avail things went from bad to worse she was embarrassing ranting and raving and acting like a child plugging her ears when I tried to talk to her and the proceeded outside where her plants were on the steps where I had put them on an earlier trip to knocking the to the ground breaking pots and throwing plants all over the yard. I lost it and went home to calm down and then my sister came to get me to try and talk again to her and after trying to calm her down again to no avail I just let her have it telling her what a hateful person and ungrateful for all the people I had helping me try and get this house ready for her and how evil a person she really was. She didn't even take the time to look around or thank me for all the hard work I'd put into it and was so angry she drew back to hot me and so I told her to go ahead if it would make her feel better so she did slapped my arm a few times. I have dealt with this behavior fr ok my her all my life and have tried numerous times to gain her love she's 79 and I'm almost 60 enough is enough it hurts to know that you can never change how they feel about you. I think that she is angry with me because when I was younger and she divorced my dad I had to live with my grandparents bc she and I could get along and both she and my dad chose to dote on my brother and younger sister so what choice display I have but to live with my grandparents. I love my mother but she makes it impossible to have a relationship with her. So when do you quit trying when she is dead and gone? I'm tired of struggling with the guilt of not trying to help her.

Windyridge · Accepted Answer

You need to break off your relationship with mom and never look back. You're not going to fix this. She sounds toxic.

parentalptsd · Answer

I can really relate to what you are going through!  I am so sorry you had this experience.  I decided at a certain point that despite all my best efforts, and despite a kind of secret wish that I could create a good relationship with her (learned that in therapy),  there is no pleasing this crazy, mean, manipulative, pathologically lying, awful person, who was always that way but is now even worse as she ages. I tried to go there and help her, but she not only alternated by insisting on my help and what I was doing was not enough, then refusing my help, but in the meantime lying to anyone who would listen about me, and lying to me about what options were available for her care, so that I was doomed to mess up (and then she could triumphantly blame me).  So I left.  And I learned that the only thing I can work on and make better is myself. So that is my job, taking care of my self, my own house, my own work, my own finances, my own health.  And you now what, all that is plenty!  She has to make her own way and choices now; I have clearer boundaries and am going to keep them!  Good luck.

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

You say she's been "difficult" like this your whole life.  This kind of "difficult" is usually a personality disorder, i.e., a mental illness.  You owe it to yourself to find a therapist who can help you heal your wounds.

CarlaCB · Answer

I wonder what motivated you to do all this for her when your relationship had been so rocky all your life. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you may have been looking at this as a chance to finally have a connection with her or finally get her love and approval. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can blind you to who a person really is. You could find yourself putting in a tremendous investment of time and money and energy and getting nothing back, or nothing but abuse. It sounds like that is already happening. I'm very sorry. My oldest sister has a similar rocky relationship with my mother and she has tried and tried to gain my mother's love but to no avail. Maybe that personal experience is coloring my thinking.

Your mother sounds very volatile, very difficult. Perhaps the best thing is to let her move to assisted living and try to build a relationship with her (if you still want one) without the pressure of being the one who has to anticipate and satisfy all her care needs. Good luck!

Oldest754 · Answer

No there was no consoling her. My daughter who is 25 finally got her to go home with her and then i understand she talked to my brother on the phone and made the decision to move into an assisted living community so hopefully she will be satisfied there and get some help. I dont think its mental illness but I do think dementia is setting in. She has been this way all my life horrible temper  and thinks everyone should do things her way or no way. She gets set off with the smallest thing said to her and takes offense of everything we say to help her.

JessieBelle · Answer

It's sounds like she was inconsolable. Did she not want to move to the new home? Her behavior is extreme, so I wondered if she were mentally ill. Tell us a bit more about her. It sounds like you went to the ends of the earth for her and she is trying to push you off. You sound like a great daughter to have and that she doesn't deserve you. This is such a bad circumstance that I wouldn't know where to start. I'm just hoping she'll sleep on it, cool down, and work with you on the move.

When to finally give up?

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