Convincing my wife time to let her Dad who lives with us move into a home.

So on Saturday my FIL's sister passed. He is taking it well, maybe a bit too well. Keeping an eye on him up to and after the Funeral my wife and I will be. Good suggestion was that his brother in Law whom is 83 will be going to a home soon we can send my FIL to be a neighbor. But of course my wife is hesitant. Any Thoughts?????

Beretta, go see more than one. For a lot of reasons, but if you can, book another tour.

It's good if you can honestly be thinking "how does this compare to the other place?" There is a lot of superficial beautiful out there, but some of the older facilities have a better quality of care.

you can compare costs, and possibly use the lower cost of one to bargain with the other. Yes, there is a lot of haggling that CAN go on if you are private pay. Try to find out what the occupancy rate of each facility is. The emptier they sre, thee hunger they are. (It might be an indication of poor care, so do online searches)

it will add to your FIL sense that he's not bring given the bum's rush.

if they disparage the practise of another facility (assigned seating, say), ask if they tried that method and what they found lacking. Find out what their "approach" to dementia is. Do they have a director of nursing? What is her training with dementia residents. (Assigned seating means EVERYONE has a place to sit and allows for the folks running the place to avoid the "mean girls" lunchroom thing. Some places just 'wing' the dementia thing and hope for the best. Other places have rigorously researched programs in place with extensive staff training .

Ask how many (actual numbers) and percentage of males there are. You want to make sure FIL has a peer group.

and lastly, I'm a big believer of comparison shopping. It's an easy way for there to be more, less artificial conversation about this fraught subject. Good luck.

No my Wife does, his girlfriend and him help us a lot. And he is someone my wide will respond to..........once he sees this place, and responds positvely--she will also be on board with this.

Beretta, does brother have dad's POA? Great to see you moving forward!

I have started the process by contacting a Beautiful facility that has arrangements from AL up to hospice care. State of the art built 4 yrs ago, security and fire systems and within 15 min of immediate family. As my wife is very hesitant, I will be taking her brother with me on my 1st visit, which he is fine with. Once he is convinced of the place, we will put my FIL on a reserve list until my wife is ready to let go.
She might not be responding positive to me but will listen to her Brother.
So with all that is happening, i see a wee light at the end of this tunnel

Go ahead with the AL research! If you ever get a small window of opportunity, you'll be ready!

Baretta, you may want to keep looking, but keep it on the down low. I did look into respite care without my husband actually knowing. I told him later what I found out after he mentioned it. You know your wife best on how she may take it.

Your wife's refusal to discuss the issue effectively blocks any action that she might have to take. Whether it's indecision, inability, stonewalling, or what, she's making it clear she's not going to move on the issue.

So what you can do is start researching and touring facilities on your own, without mentioning it to your wife and provoking her.

But make it adamantly clear that anyone who attempts to follow up by contacting your home (land line) residence in any way will immediately be eliminated from consideration. Or just even given them your name when you tour; make it all anonymous. You don't want some bumbling marketer calling your home and blurting out your activities to your wife.

As to your FIL, watch for signs of depression, sadness, thousand yard stares, unwillingness to engage...similar changes in behavior. The "I'm the last one realization" is often a bitter pill to swallow.

I sgree with Pam, based on what ive seen in NY snd Connecticut. So, havd you ever sought youf fil's opinion sbout this? Maybe he's dying to go. Just take him around to various places to look so he gets s feel for whst they're like. He's not incompetent.

Beretta, go to an Assisted Living near you, say one with 80 residents. You will find 10 men and 70 women. The men are far from bored, they are swatting the women away left and right. So if you were dad, would you rather be bored to death living with your kids, or on the cruise with the ladies?
(based on actual observation of a nearby AL facility).

Beretta, yes move ahead with research, do not tell your wife you are doing it, if you think it may make her angry. When it comes up again, you can casually mention that you heard good things about such and such a place. She does not need to know that you were the one that actually visited. And when you visit these places tell them the problems that your wife is having. They deal with this sort of thing often and may be able to offer some suggestions that will be helpful.

So on sunday i took my FIL to see his sister, now back home with round-the clock care for her reming days. Nice visit, but bitter sweet as she will not last thru September. My FIL seemed fine, maybe a bit too fine not sure how he is reacting, but he knows it was probably his last time to see her before she passes. As he lost his wife 4 years ago she is the last family his age. Not too sure what the next few days will lead to, any signs i need to watch for in behaviour?? And on the AL subject my wife is back to "I don't want to talk about it" again. So progress is stalled. Would it be wrong for me to move ahead with AL research?

Beretta, your wife may believe it's her right to decide when her father should go into a facility, but it's your right to have a say in how your life will proceed while he's living in YOUR home.

You might want to pursue the issue of why she thinks she is "giving up" by finding a placement for him.

Are there any friends in your area who've gone through this and can explain that sometimes the point is reached when home care can't be provided? Any relatives who can help her see that she's NOT giving up but rather pursuing a different path of care? Can you think of an analogy on handling some other issue, perhaps with children or co-workers, when one strategy is no longer effective and another has to be pursued? Does she understand the meaning of mid-course correction?

And is she aware of how FIL's behavior is affecting you, especially when he disrupts your sleep? If it affects your ability to be alert at work, then it's reached the point discussed earlier in this thread, that his behavior is affecting your ability to provide for your family.

The other issue is whether being home alone and at loose ends is at all helpful given that his sister has cancer. And it's not. He needs distraction, and he's not going to get it at home. If he were in IL, at least he'd be with other people.

Some questions to ask her:

1. Does she realize how unhappy he is now? Does she think that's fair to him, to hold back based on what she interprets as her need to continue to keep him in your joint home?

2. What factors exist that make her think she's "giving up?" Without being facetious, she's not kicking him out to live under a viaduct; she's making good, helpful arrangements for him.

I think the point is how to make her realize that she would be helping him not hurting him, and right now, it seems no one is being helped.

I wish you luck; this isn't an easy situation.

Sometimes a spouse will go into an emotional auto pilot mode that is very blinding. It's almost like some foreign software has activated in the computer of their minds. I find myself on this crusade in behalf of married people to keep being married people even with taking care of an elderly parent.

I wish you the best in dealing with this.

He's her dad, but she's also your wife. Ya'll might need some marriage counseling for it sounds like she may have poor emotional boundaries with her dad which from what I'm reading here sounds like she's honoring him above honoring her marriage. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since ya'll been on a date and can she be fully present with you as just the two of you without having to have to think or bring up the subject of her dad?

You should check out the "i want my marriage back" thread , lol.

This is why i really appreciate this site, as it helps me with really good advise. We have started the next step as I am reserching AL places. When my FIL sold his house to move in with us, those funds are in an account for this step. But is is not me but my wife who is very reluctant to move forward--she feels like doing that is the same as giving up. This is my "brick wall" as it is her DAD and as POA as well she feels like it is her call to make. Main reason i am here is to get advise as how to talk with her and the people out here have given amazing advise so far, as 3 weeks ago i could not even bring up AL as a subject; now at least we are moving (SLOWLY) in that direction.

You know, you said in your original post "he has dementia and Alzheimers, both in check for now". That's an illusion. Dementia is progressive. The longer you wait to move him, the harder it will be on him. This is such a shame to deprive him of a good experience and the independence he would have at AL.

Interesting. I am going to discuss with my Wife as how she sees it, as my gut tells me this is a progression of the Dementia, as he feels like he did nothing wrong. But he listens to her, where I would lose it on him, and as I see it I would be in the wrong in a way and make things worse.

Maybe he has a UTI. Or maybe, like most elders with dementia, he's lost the capacity to not be completely egocentric. My brother likes to say of out mom " her circle gets smaller and smaller". It's all about him, which is what makes it so darn hard to live with someone with dementia 24/7.

So today at 4:45am i awoke to my FIL shaving. Holding back temper as this is the 3rd time I have been woken up eaarly I asked why? He said could not sleep, and was bored. Is this a possible sign of a change in his dementia or al-timers? Sorry for spelling, curious for opinions before I lose my temper. I just got ready for work and left before yelling at him for being inconsiderate of others. might be more...........

Beretta, you say that your FIL is miserable. Does she see that? That he would BENEFIT from being in AL? (Men are very popular in ALs, let me tell you!)

As his dementia worsens, she's not going to be able to care for him at home alone. You are going to need three shifts of caregivers. So, so much better for him to be in AL where he'll actually have more control over his life.

Thats just it, she works 3 days a week. My gut says that if he does go to AL, and eventually passes she will feel guilty about it. As for my FIL's sister with cancer, it was worse than thought, now maybe a month to live. But for this crap situation, I suggested maybe some good--As her husband will need to go into AL--i suggested my FIL join him, or at least be neighbors--they are family. My wife did not seem to keen on it, but i can tell she is considering it as it works out for the best for both,

Can you and FIL go check this place out together? It sounds like your wife is the one who's not ready.

Is this a matter of someone (you, her) thinking that she'll have to back to work if he goes to AL? It sounds as though there is something strong that is interfering with her doing what is in her dad's best interests.

She's worried about his lack of a filter in an AL? That's like being worried that your 4 year still naps in daycare! It's starting to sound as though your wife has some serious codependency issues.

Your FIL is not going to get "more ready". He's declining and will be LESS able to adjust as time goes on. Does she realize this?

Nothing as of yet. I found perfect place to check out, and made the suggestion; but my wife even though she is listening and talking about it with my FIL, is hesitant to take to the next level, keeps saying "He is not ready yet" and is worried that he has no "filter" on his speaking. So one way I see progress is possible, other way is keeping "Status-quo"

So, have you set up tours? It sounds as though your wife might benefit from seeing a therapist, if she's having difficulty putting her physical health and the needs of her family first in this situation.

Beretta, you may want to read this thread
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/want-life-marriage-back-cant-care-for-mom-186396.htm

You need to move forward with plans to move your FIL. There will come a time that any change is living situation will become very difficult for him and thus you and your wife. The earlier in dementia a move occurs, I believe, the easier on our loved ones. Soon enough it is easier for them to get involved and make friends, participate etc.

Jeanne: No decision has been made; my wife is reluctant to send my FIL as she sees things as his daughter first, then caregiver.

What are you waiting for? If the decision has been made, move forward!