You have been through the pain of caregiving a loved one and they have passed. So as not to relive the recent pain of caregiving those last days, THIS THREAD IS FOR YOU. To express yourself; be supported by others who have lost their parent, spouse, friend, loved one. A caregiver's grieving and recovering post. If ever you just want to sign in without saying something, put three xxx or three ..., then click post, someone will know you were here, on your special thread, it's yours to say whatever you want. You can even honor your Mom's memory by posting about her.
Good to see your post. Thank you for updating us. I have to agree with you, music makes a huge difference. Day by day, moment by moment. We all just do the best we can.
Wishing you a happy holiday season as well. Take care, my friend.
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Wow, this came at just the right time. I was just thinking about this post, but not sure I was quite ready to post. Guess I am (sorta :-)!)
Trying to get into the holiday mood, but it is so hard. I am so thankful that we had last Christmas and New Years to celebrate. My town has really spectacular holiday light display and we got to see that. My mom was not sure that she would get much out of it due to the macular degeneration, but she kept marveling at how beautiful it was. She kept talking about it. I truly believe that she was holding on until the holidays were over. She went into the hospital on January 7 and was gone by the 11th.
So Christmas is not going to be easy. I just miss her so much. There are times when it hurts so bad. Yes, I get through. Music is my savior. Sometimes I need soothing music and sometimes I need something crazy loud!
Haven't thought about any new traditions, yet. Will be carrying on with the old traditions. Thinking about decorations and maybe something special to honor her memory. Hopefully, weather permitting, we will be able to get the cemetery (it is a bit of a distance, so we have to plan for a good day). Would like to take something special. Not sure what, but now there are these pretty solar stakes with angels that light up.
So guess that is where I am at right now. Once again, thank you all for being here. It helps to know that there is a safe place for me to come and let my defenses down and let it all out.
Merry Christmas to all and take care!
Shelli
Thank you for bringing this one back up.
It is definitely a year of new traditions. My grandmother passed in October so its the first year we will not spend Christmas Day with her and my extended family. My aunt has decided to host a gathering on Boxing Day instead.
My mother is now cooking dinner at her house for our immediate family. My new tradition includes going to the cemetery to bring a Christmas plant to my father. I wish it wasn't so, but I guess I have to learn to adapt.
Dear Shelli,
How are you? Everything you wrote really resonated with me. I know its not easy. Please know if you ever need to talk, we are all here.
Take care. Thinking of you.
and others,
Holidays are the times when the memories will be hardest because Mom or Dad are no longer there.
Will you be carrying on traditions, or creating some of your own?
to support and pray for each of you.
Love,
from Sendhelp.
Shelli60, you are in a horrible situation: grieving and still caregiving. I don't know if your mother or father had or have dementia, but you might want to consider calling the Alzheimer's Association's 24 hour support number. From their site: "The Alzheimer's Association 24/7 Helpline provides reliable information and support to all those who need assistance. Call us toll-free anytime day or night at 1.800.272.3900"
Ask for a counselor. Another thing to try is a calling a local non-profit hospice and asking if they have a bereavement department. If so, they can help sometimes. Find support groups. Sometimes you just have to ask. Do you have any family that could be supportive?
Hugs! You are doing the very best you can. But please also don't get burnt out.
I just miss my mom so much. She was the one who kept the family together. I just sometimes find it hard to accept that she is gone. We had our moments, but for the most part, we got along and she made the caregiving easier.
So I don't really know where I am going with this. Just that it has been a really hard week and I guess I just needed to vent. Yeah, I know I will make it through...I have up to now in my 62 years on this earth. I never realized, though, how hard it would be to lose one of the people who was so precious to me.
Thanks for listening and best wishes to all who are going through the same ordeal.
I will never forget how you rented a moving truck and drove all that way to save me from my (ex)husband. You packed me up and unpacked me at your ex's house.
I didnt ask you to do this, you just jumped up and came. Thank you and bless you wherever you are .....
I wish you were here to do it again for me now :'''(
I think grief can be a long and lonely journey sometimes. I hear that too, that the second year is tougher than the first. The reality of our loss starts to set in. I am trying to prepare myself but realize sometimes I cannot avoid my grief attacks.
Dear Gershun,
As always thank you for your kind and supportive words. I am still looking for that peace but I do hope it will emerge soon.
Grief is exhausting in its own way. Less drawn out exhaustion than caregiving's exhaustion, but certainly quite intense at times.
I'm here too. It's been 11 months and there are still hard days. Talking to the counselor and she says there is no fixed timeline but sometimes around 18 to 24 months things start to ease a little.
I'm ok with that.
Thank you for your kind words, it is deeply appreciated. Writing those words made me tearful because I wish so badly I could go back in time. I want to put a memoriam in the paper in October for the one anniversary. I've been thinking a lot about what I would want my dad to know. Thank you for your reply.
I am not ready to post, but I really need to.
Its been 10 months since that awful day. After I fed you lunch, I should have taken more time to sit with you, but you were so tired. I never thought that would be our last today together. Never. I miss so much buying you coffee and all your favorite foods. Miss having you in the house. Sorry for all the anger and impatience. I hope you know much I tried and wanted you to be happy. Want to you know we're all OK. Doing our best every day to make you proud if we can. Please know we love you and miss you every day.
Hi Dad
I think I can make things right,wouldnt that be great?
I felt you with me i think.
I cannot miss you because that would mean what i cannot accept... maybe thats why my heart hurts... anyways here's some chocolate, I love you
My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. I'm so sorry. Your father is so lucky to have you in his life. Its always so hard to be the strong one. Us daughters go through so much caring for our parents. Like you said it would be nice if someone else would be able to carry us once in a while. I hope you can get some respite care for you dad. Try to be as kind and gentle with yourself during this time.
My dad passed four months ago. I'm still struggling with my new normal. Hard to wrap my head around that my father is gone. And that the only place I can visit him is the cemetery. I know death is a part of everyone's life but I had hope to put it off till my dad was 100. Because I was his primary caregiver, I feel like I didn't do enough to save him. If only I did this or that, then maybe he would still be here. I guess I will keep giving myself time to process what happened.
#1 I lost my father when he was only 50 on Good Friday, which was March 24, 1967.
#2 My maternal grandmother's birthday was Independence Day.
#3 My mother's birthday was Halloween.
Daughterof1930, hey I am too, a daughter of a 1930! I have some of those baby daffodils, coming up in my garden. They were a flower gift, gift, given at my Dad's funeral, and every year they come up, I sigh of relief! They remind me so much of him, and all the wonderful memories I have of him.
Isn't it a wonder, the many triggers we have of our LO's?
I also have in my garden, loads of the cacti, CHICKEN AND HENS, that were originally in my Grandpa's garden, then cuttings went to my parents rockery, then to my first home, and now in the garden of my second home, for all of these 20 odd years now! Those things never die, but one year, drought, cold, and the squirrels had gotten them down to only 2 crowns, only to have flourished the very next year, and now we've got loads of them, scattered allover the yard! Life and plants ar amazingly resilient, waxing and waning over the years, but should we ever leave this house of ours, those are the two plants that we would bring with us to our new place, those and the Easter Lily, my husband gave to his Mother when he was a boy, and has survived all the years too! Once white, now blooms in a bright Yellow! Must be the Ph of the soil, or a miracle to say, "don't forget me"!