Caregiving impact on marriage.

Think about the age you were the last time you spent every evening watching TV with your parents..... and slept in the bedroom next to them. The Dad Triangle has morphed your adult self into a child role. And your husband is on the losing end of this proposition. He agreed to this arrangement before he truly knew how it would affect your marriage. As did you. Now hubby is having buyer's remorse. Sounds like you are too, altho you (understandably) feel more conflicted. Initiate a calm, respectful "say anything" convo with your husband. Tell him upfront that it's OK for him to say that this isn't working. Together, figure out your next move. Maybe it's as simple as installing dad in the finished basement (if you have one) with a TV or getting dad a TV for his bedroom. Maybe dad has a friend or relative who can take him out a few nites a week. Maybe your dad's $800/month would be better spent on a small unit in senior housing. Maybe dad isn't thrilled about living with you. Not sure how you came to this arrangement, but it's quite common (actually, an epidemic) for an adult daughter to usurp a declining parent without considering other options. The bottom line right now is: Your husband didn't marry your father. He also didn't marry a despairing, guilt-ridden eunuch. If you want your marriage back, you need to start acting like it. And not just one little gesture. Be true to yourself and be a true partner to your husband all day every day. From a shared perspective, you and your husband will be able to determine what's best for your household dynamic.

Thank you for saying I am not alone. I cried at just hearing these words. I get angry at my dad for his fear of going into assisted living and wanting to stay with us. But why
do you think I am angry with myself. Thank you!

We must have been typing at the same time, Suzie. I've read your answers. You are not alone. I've found so much help and wisdom on this forum. You can too.

You are in a very tough situation. How much longer can this go on? Maggie is right. I think deep down you're angry with yourself, not your dad, and that is not good for you, your dad, or your husband. You can fix this and Maggie's post gives you lots of excellent questions to start asking yourself. Good luck!

No my bedtime is the same. Yes my husband used to lay and watch TV with me. I asked him and he says he needs time away from my dad. He defers to my dad and lets him watch westerns and then hubby goes up to our bedroom and watches his shows. My hub supports my dad living with us and he pays $800/month. Yes they do get along. I don't think hubby is king of castle as my dad has taken over the living room. He seems to have a big problem being alone. Wants us all to be together. I probably do defer to dad a lot. He is 92 and has little life quality but perhaps I am justifying for him. Ok. I will take a look from all perspectives to assess. Thank you so much for your thoughts!! I was feeling so alone and lost.

There are 2 similar posts from which you could benefit by reading them in their entirety:

1. My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/become-wifes-priority-with-father-in-law-her-focus-187296.htm

2. I can't care for my Mom (84) and I want my life and marriage back! Any advice?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/want-life-marriage-back-cant-care-for-mom-186396.htm

They both address marriage complications and attempted adjustments because of a spouse's parent living in the marital home.

Has bedtime changed for you personally since dad came to live with you? Did your husband used to lay down to watch tv and doesn't anymore? Have you talked to your hubby about this? What does he say?

Did your husband fully support dad coming to live with you? Is dad paying his way? Do dad and husband get along? Is your husband still the king of his castle, so to speak, or are you now deferring to dad?

Believe me, there's much more going on here than just dad sitting with you guys and watching tv.