I gave grandma lunch. A bowl of cottage cheese, a single serving container of mandarin oranges and a coffee. Just when I sat down in the other room she called me. I got up and went to her. She wanted me to dump the oranges into her bowl of cottage cheese.....................
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Now, we live about an hour from Greek Town to begin with and most of the stores that I know of there have very limited hours. And I work full time.
But here we sat. Her, suddenly finding the ability of speech... but in fluent Greek, insisting that I serve her Horiatiko bread... and right now.
I was flabbergasted - they are healthy, just aging. Plenty of money to hire help. Yet we are supposed to spend over $2000 in airfare, and use up all our vacation time, to do work around their house AND their vacation house in the woods. They are angry because we usually come over a weekend plus two days (five total) once a year and then we are heartless enough to only do SOME of the things they ask for.
Last visit I offered to clean the upstairs rooms and bathroom we use because my mother in law doesn't clean (never has) and it was filthy and we were all sneezing due to the dust. They blew a gasket when I refused to wash all of the windows in the house plus thoroughly clean two downstairs bathrooms and the rest of the house, which hadn't been cleaned in ages.
Get this - My FIL planned to take my husband golfing and my MIL take my son to the playground, and I was supposed to stay home and do all of the cleaning and window washing. Continue to day two or three as needed. My husband and I said "no - we'll clean the upstairs since we are using that" but no to everything else. We were lectured, called selfish and chewed out every day, including Easter dinner in front of all of the relatives. Finally my husband looked around the table and commented "you all wonder why we don't come more often???"
We flat out told them - your house, you maintain it - whether you do it yourself or hire someone, if you cannot - you need to move to senior living, but we have our own house to maintain and clean and we were not going to work on their two houses. We reminded them that when they were our age - they were not giving up their vacation time to care for parents' homes, but were enjoying their vacation home for weeks at a time. Explosion ensued. My grandmothers and my husbands grandmothers BOTH chose senior living and assisted living and didn't make anyone their slaves. What is wrong with my parents and my husband's parents?
I can imagine how many responses i'll get for being selfish and so heartless and "someday i'll be old and understand". Foo-hey.
There are several nearby Outback, however, none are drive-thru, Sally.
You'd think with all the rain we have here in Oregon that we'd have more drive thru's. But noooo, I just endure a steady level of soaked from October- June! Bummer.
I don't know if it helps...probably depends on your mood in the moment...but she may truly not know how to combine the two - or just fear that she is wrong about how to do it. Hard to believe but it happens. I remember asking my mom what she wanted to drink. We went around it for five minutes and she would not tell me. I asked "do you want coke or milk?" and she would not tell me. I offered other choices with the same result. I was so sick of making every single decision and I just wanted her to make this one decision. Finally, I ranted for two minutes about how it was her drink, it had to satisfy her and she was the only one who could make that decision and I was tired of making all the decisions. Then it hit me like a thunderbolt. I asked her if she knew what the word "drink" meant. She threw her arms out to th e side and said, "I have no idea what you are talking about". In the last 12 hours she had lost the meaning of the word drink.
I had an Uncle with Alz. Who had a rash on his legs so we picked up a prescription lotion for him. My aunt sent him into the bathroom to treat his legs. After 15 minutes he still had not returned. She went to check on him and found that he thought it was a suppository and was trying to figure out how to squirt it into his butt. She had to show him how to spread it onto his legs.
Even when they truly need help with simple things, after a long day it can be really hard to remain patient. There were evenings when I snuck some bourbon into my coke with dinner because it kept me from being snappish.
She said she was going to complain to them about it, and I asked her nicely not to do it while I was in the car. Reason being she gets so loud and confrontational that I'm embarrassed to be seen with her.
So today we had to go to Panera on our way home to pick up a smoothie for my sister who was sick at home. As we're leaving the first window after ordering, she says to me "You didn't say anything about my bear claw." and I said "No, and I'm not planning to. I asked you not to bring that up while I'm in the car." So as we're being handed our order she shouts rudely at the headset-wearing woman at the window "YOU OWE ME A BEARCLAW!!!" The poor woman had no idea what my mother was yelling about and luckily was more frightened than annoyed. When my mother repeated it, the girl just meekly threw a bearclaw into a bag and handed it out the window. This is just typical of my mother - rude, obnoxious, and zero regard for anyone's feelings but her own.
My father moved to AL. I did not unpack all his boxes as I thought it would give himself something to do and help him settle in. A few months go by and he tells me he has no warm clothing. Yes he does, I know it was packed. I had to drive 25 miles to lift the lid off a box marked clothing to show him a box full of sweaters. Another time he said I needed to buy him more shampoo. I did only to find a computer sized box in his closet marked "bathroom' filled with bottles and bottles of shampoo and other necessities. When I asked why he didn't go through these boxes he said he just "didn't get around to it". Seriously? What has he been doing for all those weeks???
Does anyone think I am really going to miss all those trips to the ER and wasting more hours than I can count over frivilous and made up ailments? Or all the times he dumped plans with me because one of his nephews were going to visit? Or all the vacation time I gave up to run him to all those doctors? Or all those phone calls that always started with "I've got a problem..."? Or all the conversations that revolve around what he did in the bathroom.
Please caring for an elder is a very hard job. Please don't condemn those of us who do not find doing this fulfilling. Sometimes you just need to vent and have others tell you they understand what you are going through. The guilt trips are not necessary and quite frankly uncalled for.