Dementia getting worse by the day.

Question

I'm a live in caretaker for my friend's mom. Everything was great for a while, but now it seems to be getting worse by the day. Today was the final straw on the escaping. She got out the front door and was holding onto a post when I got to her. No sooner I sat her down and went around the corner to get a bowl, she was down the hallway. This time she fell. I had to let her go. Did watch her head. Figured, okay she is down and okay hurried back around the corner to dump the bowl she dropped and she was up and out the front. I've got back issues, get lectures from these people how to lift,doesn't make a difference cause this happens. left message with new DR. still waiting. Had to change cause other treated just the basics. She is on .25 xanax 4x's a day and yes, pot therapy (candy edibles) any ideas, told my friend I can't do this anymore, will stay till a new one steps in. We can't even get her to bathe big fight with her mom every time. I stepped in when they needed someone to change her bandages after half her foot was amputated. Sorry now that I'm writing just realized how much was getting dumped on me. Any suggestions, Nursing Home better? daughter has guilt cause she didn't step in when her father had cancer because she didn't get along with her mom. Oh forgot, when she hurt me today, I almost hit her. Why I quit. Found a side of me that I didn't know I had and don't like.

SarahLee · Accepted Answer

Thank you every one for the advice. I agree with everyone of you. Helped me too.  Will definitely use all of it. Thank you so much!!

Countrymouse · Answer

Your instincts are right - this situation has already become dangerous for both of you. Don't panic, but do explain to your friend that her mother needs a memory care unit NOW (some time ago, actually!) and you can't continue to be responsible for her welfare.

You have done a great deal to help, you have nothing to apologise for, and you are right to recognise that the mother has reached the limit of in-home care.

MsMadge · Answer

This is an unfortunate situation for everyone

Since you live there do you have somewhere to go ?

jeannegibbs · Answer

I'd say she needs to be in a secure environment. Maybe that can be created in the home, with creative (but safe) use of locks. But the daughter never got along with her mother, apparently, and she needs to hire others -- 3 shifts a day, 7 days a week. This would probably involve 6 to 8 people -- a whole lot to manage. But this poor woman with dementia is beyond what a single live-in caregiver can handle. This is not her fault, obviously, but I strongly think it is time for her to be in a professionally run secure environment, typically a unit in memory care.

However, how her care is handled is not your concern. Since you are friends with the daughter, you can be supportive, maybe help her with researching what is available, etc. But stand firm that you cannot be the live-in caregiver.

JoAnn29 · Answer

The situation has gone past what you can physically or mentally handle.  This person needs to be evaluated.  If the daughter can't be with her then she needs to think about a long-term care.  You are entitled to any work you do up till the time u leave.  No aide will or should put up with this behavior.

geewiz · Answer

Wandering is common in dementia.  Some families put locks on the top of the door and NEVER let the patient see them open it.  But one person 24/7 taking care of an individual as you describe is impossible.   Let your friend know they need to make other arrangements.

Shane1124 · Answer

Not a safe situation for her nor you. Speak with the family but get yourself out of there.
Xanax 4x/day even at that small dose is too much for elderly patients. If the marijuana edibles are prescribed I would think they are ok for pain, otherwise why is she taking those?
This is too complicated for you to handle. Your patient needs a higher level of care that you cannot provide.

Momshelp · Answer

A lot to take, please take a step away, hopefully permanently. Her family needs to figure it out better & they'll see how bad it is with you stepping back. Believe me you've helped enormously to this point. Now you help them get care set up for her higher needs by letting them experience them.

surprise · Answer

Don't go back. The daughter can handle this herself. You need to protect yourself from liability, and if you don't get paid for the last 2 weeks because you walk, that's better than being put in jail for elder abuse when you do snap. Tell the daughter that for your mental health, you cannot go back tomorrow. She will have to do something else, even stay home from work, but you can't do it.

Daughter can take her to the ER and tell them that she needs something to keep her from leaving, that she can't handle her. She can demand testing to find out why this is happing, and refuse to take her home until the testing and medication are adjusted.

Dementia getting worse by the day.

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