Absent siblings.

LonelyCarer, my solution is too reverse mortgage the house we all stand to inherit. I will when this finally goes through use that money to hire respite. I think that's how they're going to help me, willing or not.

Can anyone tell me if there is any action i can take against my evil absent brothers and sister who will not even consider a moments help for their own mother and yet stand to inherit the house when she eventually goes.

I have two brothers, both largely uninvolved in my dad's care. I found over time it's made life easier for me when I stopped expecting or wanting them to do or be anything other than what they are. They simply aren't going to step up, it doesn't matter why, none of the reasons change the situation for me or my dad. My dad would do, and has done, most anything for them, so it's sad to see their disinterest but knowing I can't change it and accepting that has made it easier for me to continue minus the bitterness that would only affect me.

I have two brothers, both largely uninvolved in my dad's care. I found over time it's made life easier for me when I stopped expecting or wanting them to do or be anything other than what they are. They simply aren't going to step up, it doesn't matter why, none of the reasons change the situation for me or my dad. My dad would do, and has done, most anything for them, so it's sad to see their disinterest but knowing I can't change it and accepting that has made it easier for me to continue minus the bitterness that would only affect me.

You're not alone. I have 4 living sibs. 3 are MIA, just never around, for whatever the reason. I have long since given up trying to get them involved in Mother's increasing care needs. They don't care, and I can't make them.
Every time I go to Mother's she grills me about what the other sibs are up to. I have to tell her I don't know.
Once a year I email them all and remind them not to forget mother on Christmas. They may call one other time a year.
It's very sad, and mother was not a terrific mother by any means, but that does not excuse their absence. However, I can't change them and I have quit trying. It's easier now I know they won't help, I don't even ask.

I'm the step dad caring for her kid's mother with dementia. The kids live 5 hours away and are working. Been told in not so man words that I'm responsible for her not them. And I am, thru the good, bad and ugly. : ))

Dear Sunny,

I'm so sorry that so many us are in in the same situation. Its so hard when siblings are not on the same page about caring for elderly parents. I would take a step back. If your brothers are unwilling or unable to help, then I would try and look for other resources. Its less stressful than fighting with our siblings. I made a terrible mistake of holding onto my anger and frustrations with my siblings. It greatly affected my ability to care for my father after his stroke. I should have said "no, they can't help me" and instead of being mad, I needed to get counselling and start looking for other resources. I know this is all easier said than done, but its what I should have done.

I'm sorry to learn you and your siblings aren't on the same page caring for her.
I've been on two sides of this thing.
In the first case, Dad went rapidly downhill after a long illness. We all wanted to keep him at home; my his wife and I lived gladly there and cared for him. Everyone pulled together, all of us did the best we could do for him.
In the second case of someone close to me, my friend devoted herself to caring for her mother for years. My friend's sister living close by did very little, even though my friend's sister was much more well off and did not work.
This difference caused my friend a lot of anguish toward her sister - she confided such to me privately and discreetly.
I was distressed for my friend and her concerns; even so I realized that there are two sides to every story. But I was still sorry that my friend felt that way.
My moral: put your parents first. Don't hesitate to ask your siblings for help - be calm, be firm, be strong. And always be patient.

Only time my brother ever shows up he want money and/or to cause trouble. (Actually threatened to sue to over turn Dads will that left everything to Mom)

Sometimes it is a blessing to have absent sibs. I never call my brother for fear he will say he is driving here.

Sorry I know the feeling, also the youngest. It's not as bad for me because I've always been the primary lead on mom. The frustration now is that even though they know I've had to move in only 1 sister helps out on her days off. It's the most she can & I appreciate it but the other 6? MIA. 1 said he'd pray for her & would love for me to take her over for a visit. He lives less then 20miles away. I told another 1 I may need a nap & I would call him before I take her to him for a couple of hours one day, he said now he knew not to answer his phone. Joking? Who knows. 3rd one asked me to meet at a restaurant 5 miles from moms for his birthday on that one day off. I said no & he didn't even stop by for a visit w/her. She still has his present w/card that I bought, reminded her to sign & put where she can see it in case he ever drops by. When I sent out the doctor update saying mom needed 24hr care one said he'd pray for her, guess he's still praying 2 months later cuz he hasn't stopped by. Farthest sibling is 50miles away so distance isn't the issue here. From what I've read here it seems families are happy to let 1 person assume the primary caregiving & consider themselves relief for that one. If you could get even that your winning. A lot of people are in this boat alone. From my experience in the past guilt & forcing don't result in quality care. Sorry they're not stepping up & I hope it's just an adjusting period but if not let go of the resentment because it will only add stress to an already stressful time for you. I try to remember my siblings can only do what they're capable of doing & im choosing to be here with mom. I feel better knowing it's a choice I could walk away like they have but I'd rather try. Good luck

There are pros and cons to having help from siblings. Along with the physical help will come opinions, suggestions, intrusions, annoyances. You can do a search on this site and get some insight. You might actually be better off just hiring help and understanding that not everyone has the caregiver gene.