My mom has been in a nursing home/rehab since December. Prior to that she was living alone. She is unable to move in with any family. I was doing all of the caregiving, going shopping, laundry, pills, daily calls, doctor's, finances, etc. She went into rehab a year ago last May due to hypertensive encephalopathy. While there, they explained to me that she really shouldn't be living alone and we needed to get her on Medicaid. I started the process alone, as my brother didn't agree. They made me cancel appointments and wouldn't let me set anything up. Now she is at the point where she must have someone at home with her. We applied for Medicaid and she was approved. We were supposed to convert her over to community Medicaid and bring her home with a home health aide. However, my brother and mother were the ones pushing for this. I feel she needs more structure (so do her doctors and therapists).
I guess the biggest issue is that while I do everything, my brother is the one she praises. I take her out every Saturday and visit her during the week. I take her to appointments and get everything she wants. During the vast majority of these visits/outings, she has been abusive towards me. Both verbally and emotionally. I kept telling her if she continued to act like that I wouldn't do it anymore, but never followed through. Well, she finally got the assessment by the MLTC plan for home health care. They only allotted her 26 hours a week, which is not enough. Too boot, my husband had to go to the assessment because my brother has been MIA and I had to work. Although my brother is the one who wants her to go home and has POA, he has done nothing to get her there. I know if she goes home, especially with only 26 hours, I will be beyond stressed out and abused by her. So I told both her and the company helping us to get the Medicaid coverage, that I am no longer willing to help. If my brother wants her home, he can be the one to go through these meetings and set everything up. Needless to say, he isn't responding and now my mother is pitching a fit. She is calling everyone she knows trying to get to me. I have not called her and plan on taking the weekend off. I just wanted to put it down here to work through some of the awful guilt I am feeling.
Enjoy your weekend away.
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Guilt is so lousy. My guilt will come from not having patience with my Mom. But...I have done my share and more. You have probably done ur share. Brother needs to step up to the plate. It's no longer the oldest girls responsibility it's a family responsibility.
My own mother took her mother into our home, so I'm sure she expects me to help her. I'm the only local child. I wonder what it would be like if any of my brothers were local, also?
But be assured that this is not a universal condition. It wasn't expected in my extended family. None of my aunts took my grandmother in. None of my cousins took my aunts in. Nobody looked at us funny when we decided Mom would get the best care in a nursing home. Perhaps at the heart of this is that no one in my extended family had the notion that daughters were to be slaves to anybody -- not their husbands, not their parents. I think expecting any child to be a "slave" is not mainstream American culture. I think it is dysfunctional.
I think a lot about guilt, too. I know I feel guilty because I don't like being around my mother. Daughters are supposed to be their elderly mothers' slaves -- I do think society expects that of us. So many people have looked strangely at me when I tell them I will NEVER take my mother into my home.
You have a great chance to put it all off on your non-helpful brother. Do it! He's Mom's golden boy POA, so let him fulfill Mom's wishes. Let HIM be her caregiver for all but the 26 hours a Medicaid-paid caregiver is there.
We are all rooting for you to get out of this abusive situation. You can do it! Keep us updated.
The posts so far have been unanimous. Wash your hands of caring for an abusive mother. I love Rainmom's suggestion of the sentence you should memorize. "My brother is taking care of that now. Let me give you his phone number." You might want this one, too, in case a followup answer is needed: "I can't discuss that with you. My brother has power of attorney and you'll need to talk to him."
So that takes care of the agencies and vendors and creditors, etc. What about Mom? Whew! That one will be much harder just because of the guilt. Remember that Mom is great at pushing your buttons because she installed them in the first place. Discontinue all the chores you do for her. Drop the weekend lunches to once a month. If they are not pleasant, drop them altogether.
Also practice this sentence from BarbBrooklyn : "I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. Please call me when you're feeling better." And add this to your repertoire: "Mother, you know Brother is taking care of that now."
It is easy to say "don't feel guilty," but almost impossible to carry out. Remind yourself that you did NOTHING to deserve this guilt. You are not entitled to it! Give it up. There are plenty of people out there who really should feel guilty (many of them in elected positions, but that is a different topic) so free your guilt up. It belongs elsewhere.
And if you cannot get rid of the guilt, at least push it way to the back of your mind. Don't make any decisions based on that guilt. Just push it back.
Is your Mother at home now, or is this still in the planning stage?
When I told my brother he could take over - I also told him that taking over meant going to doctor appointments, shopping for Depends, dealing with the caregiver agency, managing all medication and being on call 24/7 - beyond visiting 2-3 times a week - he backed down so quickly he probably got whiplash.
How is it these pompous asses think we will continue to do all the grunt work while they Lord over the kingdom?
Practice saying this "My brother is taking care of that now. Let me give you his phone number".
Tell social services that they must call you brother. He is POA, the ball is in his court.
Do not answer the phone. Do not return calls.
I know the quilt you are feeling. I walked out on a disabled guy...he was without help, family, or friends...but..I warned him I would not endure his abuse. He threw a cup of hot coffee at me in Starbucks because I didn't get it with cream. The next time he was berating me in the car rental....I turned on my heel and walk out. Never looked back. Never called. Never took any calls. I am sure the Avis called adult social service to get him the care he had to have.
If she has been in a home, is it possible for her to stay there? It would make more sense and she would have total care.
Your brother is POA (has the responsibility to get her cared for) and none of the care-giving duties. If she wants the responsibility (and mom thinks he's such a jewel) then he needs to step up.
And if mom yells, you say "I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. Please call me when you're feeling better."