My mother-in-law is 82 years old and I take care of her 99% of the time. She was told a few weeks ago that she has severe dementia and now she doesn't eat and is always falling. I have been in the bedroom with her when she gets dressed and undressed for bed so I can help her. She wears depends to bed because she does have accidents at night, but won't wear them during the day, only pads. She is very dehydrated and I try and keep fluids in her, but she doesn't like to drink at all. She tells me that she wants to die all the time. And all I can do is say, "Look Ma, you have me and your son and 5 grandkids here that love you. Do you think we want to loss you?" But I am just so overwhelmed now adays that I don't have time for me anymore, it's all about her. If she's not happy, no one is happy. We have a Palliative Care interview Monday, but she always turns down help or pushes them away because she tells them she has me. What can I do? Please help.
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But you DO need help, probably far more than palliative care will provide, so start thinking about how you can arrange that.
She keeps saying she wants to die? "And you will, Ma. We all do. At your age and your health you probably will die before I do, but that is not something we control. You will die when your time to die comes." We all love you blah blah blah is nice, but it hasn't stopped her from repeating this. Try a little different approach.
So things have changed and become more onerous lately - is it just the continence care issues, or is it that and the falls, or have there been other problems, and maybe a deterioration in her physical health, that led to your seeking medical advice and an assessment of her mental state?
Palliative care will address her nursing and personal care needs; but I think you too had better think carefully, before Monday, about what kind of help will really *help.* For a flippant example - an aromatherapist would be lovely and would probably really boost her spirits, but it's not a heck of a lot of use to you. What about home adaptations to help avoid falls risks? What about respite hours for you? - so that you get at least an afternoon or two a week to yourself even if it's just to lie down and wail quietly, as I found I tended to do. What about overnight caregivers, if your MIL is a night-time prowler or you regularly have to cope with broken sleep?
Write a list. And if the palliative care people don't do something you need, they should at least have some idea where to find services that do.
This is so draining -- you need help! And I hope they do offer you a good amount of help. It is hard to see your loved one declining, but when you are busy doing all the "dirty work" sometimes there is no energy left for the emotional part of it.
MIL is going to probably push back on this. Fire the help because she isn't going to believe you will not continue just like you always have. You need to make it clear...this is the way it is! It is this or a nursing home.