I honestly don't think she cares because her ailments and needs are first and foremost in her mind. Everything that goes wrong in her life is my fault. No matter what I do to help her it's not enough. I have taken her to every medical specialist for all her ailments. I have found every possible way to help her. She spews venom at me regularly. Then there will be a change in the wind and she will show appreciation. I walk on eggshells when I'm around her because I don't know what will set her off at any given time. Then I reach a point where I can't take it any more and I blow up like a volcano. Yesterday was one of those days. I had been blamed all week for everything that went wrong. I went to pick her up for an appointment and she wasn't coming down to the lobby of her building. I waited, waited not to call up and aggravate her; finally I called up and told her she was now late and she blamed me for giving her the wrong time. I had called her 30 minutes before pick up time to remind her to get ready and be down in the lobby. I had called her the night before and told her to write down the time. Apparently, I had changed the times on her, I had deliberately given her the wrong times!! It was my last straw and I lost it. My body was wracked with uncontrollable shaking, I cried unconsolably, I screamed, I was out of control. Yet, it did not phase her. I'm crazy. I'm mean. She seems to forget that I have a full time career and a family and my own health issues. All of that is secondary to her needs. I feel like I'm trying to save a drowning woman who is standing on my shoulders while I'm standing under water. On top of it all, I feel guilty for not being able to control my temper and resentment. I want her out of my life but she's my mother and there are no options. I feel trapped by moral obligation and duty. She's in so much pain and so debilitated that she relies on me for everything. I catch myself wishing for God to remove this burden from her and from me. Which only makes my Catholic guilt more acute.
Sorry to be negative.
My FIL has been throwing a pity party for himself for the last couple of months and now is on vacation with his eldest son and, all of a sudden, everything is hunkydory. Gone is FIL's depression, anxiety, balance problems, and rolator!!! Yup, he's walking just fine according to my brother in law.
Live your life because otherwise your mother will suck it right out of you.
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My grandmother seemed to expect my mother, her youngest child, to do her bidding. When mom didn't, Grandma would say "my, how you've changed".
Mom usually held her tongue, but she also held her ground. Like when grandma broke her hip and announced to all and sundry that she planned to become an invalid and that her daughter would "wait on her".
Mom said nope and sent Grandma to rehab. Grandma never really forgave my mother for that, but I learned some real good lessons about self-preservation at my mom's knee.
Oh how I wish I knew to do that with my own parents. They wanted to continue to live the same lifestyle they had, but it was me who had to change MY lifestyle. It was too late to make those changes.
Sometimes we need to step into our elders shoe to see where they are coming from. They can't drive anymore, so no more hopping into the car to go to their favorite store, they need to wait on family to take them. Their friends have either moved or passed away. Their eyesight is failing, and so is their hearing. And they wake up with every ache and pain possible. And food doesn't take like it use to as our taste buds fail with age. Getting old isn't easy. They grumble to the closet person they know... you.
Would Mom consider moving to Independent Living, where she would have her own apartment, and be around people of her own generation? Is there enough in savings or in the equity of her home [unless she is renting] to move into one of these places?
"Look, mom. You're right. I'm no good at this. I'll just step back so others can take over".
Step back. Let her figure out that you're the only game in town, or that she needs to hire help to make up for what you can't do.
Unless she has dementia. Has she been evaluated for that.?