My family is sucking the life out of me! Within 16 months we have lost my Uncle, Father and another brother. I had to take a crash course in home hospice care for my pops. Still here for my angry, bitter, hurting mother that now treats me like I’m invisible. I have given up my career, social life and church duties for the last 4 years. My brother shows up every couple of months to change light bulbs and dinner treats and that makes him the hero. Now my niece is upset with me because I am not paying enough attention to her first pregnancy. I explained my grief is finally catching up to me and I’m frayed at the edges only to be met with, “But it’s not fair to me.” Ssssiiiigggghhh I’m tired. Sorry for the rant.
Don't worry about the pregnant niece, first-timers can be so nutty thinking everyone will be interested in morning sickness, eating habits, stretch marks, baby clothes, nursery decorating etc. If she is not involved already let her know there are online and real life groups of pregnant women that support each other and are delighted to spend hours discussing baby names, OB vs midwife, formula vs breastfeeding, and all those things that seem incredibly important. Well, until the second baby comes along.
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Perfect jeannegibbs!
What she can't possibly appreciate is how rough your journey has been so far and how worn down it can make a person feel. As you'll know better than I do, when it comes to what caregiving is like you can explain, you can describe, but until you've been through it you can't really understand.
What is your niece expecting from you, MissAdri, do you know? Of course this is "not fair" -- to her, to you, to your mother. Life is not fair. People should be fair with each other, but not expect the universe to be. I hope your niece really isn't a vampire, but that she is just young. Perhaps you can share the wisdom of your experience with her (or perhaps she wouldn't hear you).
Could your brother be convinced to visit more often, for longer periods?
It may be time for you to retire from the primary caregiver role. It doesn't sound like there is a line of people within your family waiting to take over. So the next option is paid help either in the home, or in a care center of some kind. Is that being considered?
Vent away! And also plan ahead. You can't do this forever.
My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for all your losses. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. There has been so much your shoulders. It is hard with family for those of us who give and give till the anger and resentment is swallowing us up.
Please know you are not alone. And feel free to rant as much as you want with us. I know its easier said than done, but remember to take care of yourself too. Its ok to have boundaries. Ok to say no. Ok to step back and say I've had enough. Its time to look for other options. I found it really hard to step back and say I can't do this anymore. We all have feelings. And its time for you to honor your own feelings and needs.
Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
I don't know if I have a vampire family, but I feel that way tonight.
Sorry, MissAdri for all your losses.
It's time to pass the baton onto another family member. As for your niece, she is apparently too young or too immature to understand what you went through. Hey, it's not fair to you, either.
As for your Mom, her husband has passed, the love of her life is gone. This isn't how retirement was suppose to be. She is allowed to be angry and bitter. And I know it isn't fair that she is taking it out on you, but you are there so she feels comfortable doing that. If your brother has Mom's full-time caregiver, she would be doing the same to him.
It sounds like doing caregiving is only for the women in the family, thus the reason why your brother is treated like a hero.