I am the main caregiver, along with the long term memory care center she is in. After a year of caring for a pressure ulcer on her foot that grew into a huge wound, seeing a wound specialist every 6 weeks, and treating the wound every other day, 3 new wounds have opened up almost overnight and the home health care nurse called and said it was time for hospice. She said mom's body is breaking down. She made that suggestion with the knowledge of some bad congestion in mom's respiratory system too, as well as lack of alertness or responsiveness. I respect this person's opinions so that is what we are going to do. However, I have had this trip planned for a while along with some impossible to get reservations at a couple of restaurants in Tokyo that are once in a lifetime experiences. It was not a simple trip to plan. What I am saying is, the timing is horrible. I have everything planned out for after mom passes. No funeral or burial will be immediate, as that will happen in another state at another time. Brother and sister are on standby to come down at a moment's notice. Cremation is set up and ready to do it's thing. I have been caring for mom for 8 years by myself, with the facilities she has been in, but right at the moment I am supposed to take this very special trip, it looks as if mom is going to die. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but within the next couple of weeks. I would hate to not be there for her in her final moments, but this is the kind of trip, you cannot just cancel and rebook. Believe me. The nuances and details of the reservations, bookings, connections, how it was paid for etc etc are unlike anything I have done before and I really want to go. Some of you might think that is selfish or cruel to leave my mother just as she is dying and I might agree with you, except that I have been the least selfish of any of my family for 8 straight years. Only those who are charged with taking care of every part of their loved one's life (medical, insurance, financial, POA, etc etc) on a day to day basis understands. I have moved across the country, was let go from my job and have had to live in a town I despise, all to be close to mom and take care of her needs. I do not regret a moment of it, but this has been my worst fear. That she will die just as I am about to embark on a major trip. I have another one coming up in November, that is even more complicated, which I will go on, no matter what, but i guess I am just looking for reassurance and support. I was at my father's side when he died. And I have been at my mother's side almost daily for 8 years and I am trying to separate to get some semblance of my life back, and taking these trips is part of my healing process. And yes, I will have all the time in the world to take these trips after mom passes, I agree, but the ones coming up cannot easily be repeated and it all likelihood, will not be. So my choice to is be there for my mother, for the moment of death, and then oversee the cremation, notify the organizations mom is affiliated with, such as doctors, pharmacies, insurance, banking etc, but that all can be done on email or calls after I get back as it is only 5 days. Is it horrible of me to want mom to die in the next few days so I can do both? Take care of her needs and after death responsibilities as well as go on my trip, with my nephew who also is very conflicted about this?
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Just go.
a nice restaurant and celebrate her life. I had a friend who planned a trip to Hawaii. She asked the same question and was told the funeral could be held when she came back. Her Dad is still with us.
There should be no judgment or self recriminations when you leave next week on vacation. Take a good look at the advice from Countrymouse, because she is very wise.
Only you know yourself best.
Added later:
Mom's life is more about her life, her death when it comes. You may need to let go in advance.
Yes, it can be. Take your trip, as planned. Maybe all your "what ifs" will happen. Maybe not.
You have done a fantastic job of being the detail-and-paperwork person for the past 8 years. Because you excel at this level of organization, it's difficult to let go for a little while.
But it's important to let go for a little while. The trip to Japan will be good for you. Go!
There will be "mom work" of one form or another when you get back. Take it as it comes.
I'd say your goodbyes to mom, tell her whatever you'd say knowing you probably won't see her again, get your brother and sister to step up to their responsibilities and go on your trip. We all die alone in the end. You've been there for the 8 years when it really mattered. Her last few days or hours aren't nearly as important as those 8 years, in my opinion. So I'd say go!
I'm not sure I can agree with the consensus. Not because I think it is wicked or selfish for someone to proceed with expensive, complex and unique plans that they have carefully laid; but because I don't think someone who spends nearly 700 words arguing with herself about it is really prepared to cope with how she'd feel if she were enjoying an exclusive dinner in a high end Tokyo restaurant when she got the news that her mother had just died.
What does your travel insurance say about bereavement cancellations? Have a read through and see if it's got any helpful loopholes for you.
Has hospice been by yet, or has she moved to a hospice facility? I ask because having been through hospice twice, hospice is rather good at time frames. In my case, they advised me days (in one case) or hours (for my other relative) when the person was going to pass, with accuracy within an hour. The more information you have, the better you can weigh your decision to go (because you've got everything in place and backup) or stay.
Best wishes. And again, you are not horrible!