Missing the Mom I had.

Oh, Katie! You put into words what I've been thinking since my mom died last month.

I did a lot of crying and grieving over the last 8 years. Now, there really doesn't seem to be much to be sad about, except that I miss who mom was. Not what she became.

I know exactly what you mean and feel. My mom and I were very close, enjoying so many things together. She was also a wonderful grandmother to my children. Then she had a series of strokes, small ones at first, that outwardly she seemed to recover from very well. But something changed in her. She wasn't the same person. She didn't enjoy the same things anymore, didn't want to go places as much, and our relationship had a subtle shift. Then came a huge, completely life altering stroke, one that left her mentally intact but unable to do even the slightest thing physically. This left her in a nursing home for four years before she died. I visited very often and did what I could for her, but in so many respects, I'd already lost my mom. The person I knew was gone, she couldn't sit up, talk, eat, just nothing. It remains the most profoundly sad thing I've ever witnessed. I tried to have her interact with me and my children but it was just about impossible. Toward the end she'd just completely checked out, and who could blame her. By the time of the funeral I was numb. I know now that in my heart I was feeling like I'd long ago lost my mom, the one I had a true relationship with. The death and funeral felt like a formality. Sometimes now I feel like I'm the only person who remembers her, though I know that's not true. I don't know when you stop missing your mom, I'm not there yet so I'm assuming it's never. But I do know the difference between when I lost her company and relationship and when her death was. I wish you peace in this, it's not a subject many friends want to discuss

When I was so tied up caring for my mom at home I began to doubt my memories and the relationship I used to have with her. The woman I had formerly thought of as strong and self reliant had become weak and needy, she was unwilling (or unable) to participate in planning for her own future and willingly gave up all control to me. I started to believe that this was my mother's true nature and everything I thought I knew was a lie.
Since mom has moved to a NH I've been able to step back and gain a little perspective and I now realize that it doesn't have to be either/or, both sides are true expressions of her personality. I'm not sure I'll ever get back that feeling of my mom as my best friend, but at least I can now feel a measure of compassion for what age has stolen from her.

My mom is 90, has Dementia, she's in SNF. I miss having having conversations with her. I visit once a week and we talk about whatever she wants to talk about..usually nonsense talk. My mom was a secretary, she did Dictaphone for the President of the company. She was a Tomboy growing up and very active after getting married and having kids. It's just sad to see such decline in such a wonderful person.