I am the one being cared for, not the caregiver...

BuzzyBee, your comment reminds me of an observation I had last year. The men always seem to find time to play sports. The women seem to always be cleaning up or taking care of the kids and they are exhausted. Not that men don't watch the kids, but they combine it with something else they want to do more. Their mothers set the stage by cleaning up after them and then their wives give up and eventually their daughters care for them in old age. I know this is a generality and there are outstanding exceptions.

Golden23.......I was going to say the same thing about hubby not feeling well. When you have just the start of COPD you aren't getting enough oxygen. put doing a lot of work on top of that and you start to get a little cranky.....ok, a lot of cranky. I am a caregiver to 95 yr old father but have taken care of both in laws until their passing, took care of my mom with dem/alz. until her passing last year, my sister for a while until her passing and also have a grown son living with us and young grandsons that are with us 3 1/2 days a week or if they are sick take care of them. I can't remember who posted about retirement looking different but boy is that the truth. I used to dream of the day we could get in the car and just go. Hmm, yeah....that hasn't happened yet in 8 years. And i have to say I'm pretty bitter a lot of the time. I'm usually pretty easy going and used to love going out to movies or eat but anymore I pretty much want to sit in my chair and pray the phone doesn't ring or anyone bothers me. I'm sure my husband who retired 2 years ago and is having a great retirement playing golf 3 days a week is getting tired of asking if i would like to do whatever and my answer is no. He helps out where he can and is NOT a complainer (I make up for it:)) Not sure where I am going with this but if your husband is not feeling well even though his COPD is not that bad yet it really can effect your life (my mother in law had it terribly for 20 years) not to mention his diabetes. I say bring in help. Sounds like you both are needing a break from your lives a bit. Maybe think about moving somewhere you would have more help......retirement community, assisted living (no yard work, cleaning, 3 meals a day cooked for you). Just a thought. No, 73 and 76 are not that old but when you are needing help, you are needing help. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the rest of your lives instead of being on edge all the time.......yeah......I would love that! Good luck and God Bless

BuzzyBee, love that name, I can just see you buzzing around from one task to another🐝.
If dear hubby doesn't like to ask, perhaps you can set it up that so and so has asked if she/he can come in weekly, monthly, whatever the need and do (fill in the blank) for us, can we allow her/him to help us in that way, giving to others kind of thing. Just a thought, sometimes we have to be creative in how we deal with difficult situations. I have to say that I think both you and your husband are very Blessed to have each other. Of course he is going to grump and grouch occasionally, we all do. Some of us just do it without an audience, so no one sees it. The Bible says "a soft answer turns away wrath". This is how I deal with my grumpy old man. I look at what he does for me as the male way of expressing love, that is how they do it, not sweet words or emotions, action is a man's voice of love. Sister, this man loves you, by all he does everyday he is telling you that. Maybe his grouch and grumble are his expression of fear, maybe he fears losing you, maybe he fears something will happen to him and then who will care for you. My man doesn't talk of these things but, after living with someone for 25 years and loving them, you learn to see the unspoken. Love him and thank him and praise what he does for you and let him know how lost you'd be without his love and care. You will figure it out and find the proper balance. Maybe ask a friend to help you surprise him with his favorite meal as a thank you for all you do everyday to keep us and our life together. He deserves it. You deserve it as well. God Bless You and your husband on this journey.

My husband is also one of those that will redo things that have already been done. When we were 1st married, almost 40 years ago, he worked on the family dairy farm. Come Saturday morning when he got up for chores I started cleaning our one bedroom apartment. By the time he got home I was working on my laundry from working in a bank. I had already dusted vacuumed and washed floors. He would come in the door change out of barn clothes and redo the vacuuming and floors. After several weeks of feeling like I wasn’t doing it right I gave up and to this day I no longer vacuum or wash floors. He complains that no one else does it but I’m not about to go down that road again.
I do the cooking and most of the shopping. Barely a thank you or acknowledgement that it was done. On the rare occasion that he cooks you’d think he’d performed a miracle! Constant questions about how it tastes, details about how he did it, more questions about how he did and patting himself on the back for what he did. Mind you he’s not much of a cook and it’s fairly limited to Taco meat and Mac & Cheese. His one attempt at meatloaf was served extremely undercooked and over salted.
He will not ask for help with outside chores and then complain to me that our son never helps him. When I do push him to ask it’s always at the last minute when other plans have already been made. I doubt he will ever change, not much hope after all this time, and will probably only get worse as time goes on. Lately noticing signs that we may be going down the road of memory issues.
I guess my only advice would be to work on not letting the grumbling get to you. When mine starts I ask him what his plan is to change things so he’s not as burdened. Do we need to think about other living arrangements so there is not so much to take care of. That usually stops him for a while.

Just a little update.

We are lucky enough to have quite a few good friends/visitors. Mostly his friends. So all is good there. He can repeat everything for them and then he feels good again (for a short while at least) I do joke with him occasionally (when he is getting close to exploding) I can divert, cajole etc. BUT I mentioned getting someone in to do a little hoovering, just an hour a week and guess what. OUTRIGHT NO!! We have a younger friend that will pop round to do heavy stuff if I ask (he wont ask - he expects everyone to offer) He forgets they have lives of their own.

Some good stuff here. I really do appreciate all your feedback/s
Thank you

Hey guys hear a word of advice, take from someone who married an alcoholic, I put 40 yrs into my man, I’ve worked and took care of our house, and raised our son, I never depended on my man, and never quit my job. Like I’ve said I’ve had four surgeries and a baby, I never received help. The day I came home with our son I cooked dinner. Right then I knew I was screwed, and on my own. And it took 40yrs but I’m not his door mat!!! And I voice my opinion a lot. Hey if you let them treat you bad they will. I just never depend on him!!!! Keep that in mind, if you need surgery, line up help, because they won’t help. Don’t be disappointed, be prepared. Yuki

FF how many batchelors do you know? I don't think I know any. Unmarried men I know are either widowed or gay

freqflyer: That's funny.

I remember when my dad retired, he'd frequently give my mom a rundown of the things he'd accomplished. (Well, I emptied the dishwasher, took the trash out, wiped down the counter, etc.) My normally lovely and sophisticated mom got so tired of hearing about things that she'd done for 50 years without ever mentioning them or getting much (if any) recognition, that one day she turned around and said 'Whaddya want, a medal?' I think that pretty much put an end to it. Although, if she were here, she'd probably disagree!

hang in there it will work out sooner or later.

BuzzyBee et al
Can't believe how much the same all our stories! Think men do not expect to be caregivers (Women's work) My spouse expects to be profusely thanked for every little task he might do. What I do is expected. Also attitude that he earned all the money, although I was employed full time! Could go on and on. Fortunately, I am in good health. While spouse has some memory issues, not bad yet. (I am a Certified Dementia Practitioner) Have worked with memory impaired people all my working life. Really not looking forward to having my own personal dementia patient!!

Dear upset, know your not alone. Many of us have been in your shoes. Being with your spouse for many years can take its toll on you, and when your not healthy or can’t do certain things any longer anger sets in. I know I’ve been married for 40 years. Men are a funny animal, they can handle stress they way women do. And when it comes to our health they simply dont know what to do. Women are the backbone of every relationship! We are. Maybe hiring out some help for the heavy stuff would do you both some good. It sound like your on a tight budget, but there are certain free services for seniors. Try looking them up, or asking around. Try joining a senior center and ask around, plus you might make new friends and that alone can take the stress off both of you. I’ve been where your at. I’m in 40 years to my hubby. I’ve been though 4 surgery’s and not one bit of help. Not even taking me to surgery or picking me up. And PT I had to drive myself. You see I married an alcoholic. So I became pretty self reliant. And keep working, cooking, cleaning, cutting the grass, doing the bills, you know I did everything! But what I proved to myself was I’m ok I can do it. I knew one day his day would come and he’d need me over a beer. He ended up having 2 total hip replacements. Guess what, he no longer drinks, and I was the bigger person and still did everything for him. I cooked, cleaned, took him to doctors, and still worked 10hours a day. I did everything, he now only realize’s how badly he treated me. And this was the time we had many fights, but I held my ground I didn’t let him treat me like a doormat! I reminded him of how badly he treated me. I with no help and bills to pay I had to do it. Your marriage is for better or worse, I signed a contract I kept my end of the deal. Remind him of it! I did and I feel so much freedom. If you don’t talk about it. It’s going to boil up and blow up. Sit him down and talk. I did and believe me, he knows I’ll walk out that door and not look back! Demand better treatment! Yuki

Buzzybee.
I can feel the pain that his comments add to your arthritis etc. and why you wrote for 'help' or a good giggle of what is possible!!!
I have no idea of your arthritis status but think it would be easier to try and reduce that than improve your other half.
[coming from a perspective of a father that was a demanding overbearing, will do it all cos no one else does it better, and bullied my mother. AND my now very EX who couldnt even make me a coffee when I had debilitating migraines that lasted 2 hrs]
Are you overweight, do you exercise and push those rusty joints to walk a little further as medical evidence shows that most types of arthritis do better . I am just a little younger than you, and lucky I only have 10acres worth of animals to care for or they care for me. I do have health issues that fluctuate
Can you get out of the house and go either swimming in a tepid pool, join a community group, where you can get away from each other for a few hours a week. Do not join him up, let him do his own thing. You may have another 20 yrs of each other before your memory really lets you down [ or this case up] and you wont remember what he said to you just 5mins ago... Id hate to be thinking of the jail house rock situation you may be sitting under.... going on for that long.
I know the NHS etc is starting to go the way our health system did back in the 90s and its really interesting on how they went from doing everything for the community, to then subsidising voluntary groups, to now expecting friends and family to be getting 'patients' the care. I live out in the country, so well aware of the reduction in care going on, and had been a nurse for a good 30yrs. so seen both sides of whats available, and how hard it is to live with chronic disablements!!!!! good luck

Regarding some males who don't like to do work that was stereotypical "women's work".... makes you wonder how "bachelors haven't become extinct".

Wow, makes me grateful to be alone. I was widowed at age 23 with two babies to raise alone. Youngest child deceased, older autistic and can scarcely deal with herself. I have rcently acquired help but prefer doing things myself. I have no memory issues and live in an independent living senior apt. Would love to get out of this if I could afford it. The management is always in our business. I sympathize. My best friend had a husband who got angry when she got ill. Thanks, Buddy. I would use some humor with him but would definitely get some caregivers.

Do you and hubby get out to do anything "fun" on a regular basis? Play cards or dominoes with a friend/neighbor, go out for dinner, belong to a club, etc? Maybe if you could work some "fun" activities into your lives, it would be easier to get him to accept help around the house SO THAT YOU CAN GET OUT AND ENJOY YOUR LIVES A BIT! I have watched my mom and many aunts/uncles grow old and go through similar things that you are going through. In my opinion, part of the complaining is because they have nothing better to do. They watch the news or all these crappy "talk shows" that are nothing but trash....and let's face it, the media LOVES to focus on the bad stuff because it gets more attention than good stuff. So it is only natural that someone who is constantly exposed to this stuff gets "moody" to match. Try turning off the TV and tuning into some nice music, or get some books on tape to play....maybe something funny, or "light" in nature. But I really think that getting outside the house, to enjoy some activities, would make a huge difference. I notice it with my mom....when she is out and about doing things, she is happy. When she is stuck at home, just watching TV or conversing with friends who are also stuck at home and cranky, she gets cranky. And very gossippy!

You sound like a delightful person. Can you joke with him? When he says well nobody else will do it, what would he do if you tell him you could put an ad in the paper.

IMO, I perceive that some caregivers view their loved one as a person without feelings or rights. It is a way of distancing one's true feelings from the reality of caregiving. While I am not taking the husband's side, I wonder if he is angry about his responsibilities. Sarcasm often masks deep-seeded anger, resentment, and powerlessness. He may not be aware of true feelings about being a caregiver, as it is a role burdened with cultural stereotypes and behavioral norms. IMO, anger at a loved one is not acceptable behavior for a caregiver.
My comment is not an excuse! I own memory loss caregiving biz and live with 86 year old man, who I believe has symptoms of FTD. While I am empathetic with my clients, I find myself "losing it" when I come home. But I have learned that my anger and impatience solves nothing because I am dealing with a person who has deep psychological problems. I have learned to "let it go" because all too often my displeasure over small stuff does not result in a change in my partner's behavior. Now, I feel victimized much less often.
It might help the original poster to make a list of ways she can reduce her dependence on her husband as a way of taking back control over her life in small ways. Also, she might learn the art of detachment towards unimportant "stuff."
BTW, I suspect my post will be unpopular.

Hey BuzzyB - I am the caregiver but I am blessed that DH doesn't point out anything I have neglected to do. I have to say, this helps me enormously! I do what I can and the rest can "fall to the wayside" as far as I'm concerned. If it isn't absolutely necessary, it can wait.

When I met DH, it was after his turn at caregiving for his first wife, bedridden for 2 years, sickly for much longer. One of his first comments to me is, "I come first - everything else can wait. Dishes, cleaning, everything. If I want to go for a ride, I want to go for a ride."

I remember telling him that it was a terrible thing to say to a lazy person, lol. However, this set us up for what was inevitable. After 32 years together, he is 96 and now he is the one that needs help all the time. Thankfully, housework can still wait. I clean what I can and simply refuse to worry about things I can't get to today. Like our lawn wasn't mowed for weeks because I couldn't leave his side for even 30 minutes. (He was sent home from hospital to die 2+ years ago.)

Try telling him to leave stuff and come sit with you. It worked wonders when DH said that to me. He'd say, "leave the dishes - they'll still be there in the morning - come lay down on the couch and I'll rub your feet." Now that is showing appreciation and was appreciated by me.

If he pointed out everything I missed instead of being thankful for what I can and have done, I probably would have killed him, lol, instead of caring for him to the best of my abilities.

Of course, the flipside to the coin is it could be him that is so particular about everything being done "just so" and then it isn't really your problem. Let him rant if it keeps him sane.

BuzyBee, My Mom recently passed from cancer. During the past 5 years, she had been unable to get around due to major arthritis and the horrible cancer spreading through her body. While Dad was healthy enough to get around, he has dementia. SHE was the one paying the bills, fixing his meals. He would 'simply' take her shopping list to the store and bring back the groceries for her to do the rest. His dementia made him say things to her like, "why can't you do anything... get out of bed, you're lazy...". She, somehow, understood better than I, that it was his brain disease making him say those things, and in her last days was worried more about him than her pain. Since she passed away, he talks daily about how much she did for him and how much he loved her.... he knew all along how much she did for him; I wish she would have heard him say it instead of the 'bully-sounding' remarks. I hate what dementia does to them. Stay strong and loving, and if you don't feel appreciated, deep down - - he does appreciate you!

Buzzybee,
The housekeeper sounds great. The reason is, if hubs went around re-doing it after them, it would still be clean, cleaned twice?

Lots of good comments and suggestions above. I am 71 and a nurse so have seen lots of caregiver situations. Let me first of all say that you are blessed to still have your husband with you and willing to do the work, even if he gripes about it. My husband passed away 3 years ago and there is no one here at all to help me. I shudder to think what would happen if I become incapacitated. As several have said above, men are not natural caregivers (usually), so they do tend to complain about it when they are stuck in that situation. And because of that, they need constant encouragement, thanks, and accolades for what they are doing. It's very good that you always tell him "thank you" when he does something. When he comes back with 'no one else will do it if I won't', do you ever come back with something (very lovingly) like "I know, and I am so grateful (or thank the Lord, or however you want to say it) that I have you here to help me. I don't know what I would do without you." They need that constant reassurance that what they are doing is appreciated. Plus always complimenting them in front of others about how much help he is gives him the feeling that he is respected for what he does. Men are big on needing respect. You also said you do the computer. Are you good at printing out things from the computer? If so, you could print out cute little thank you notes and leave them in places where he'll find them - on his pillow, in his dresser drawers, etc. Fun little surprises like that or ordering some little something online that he would like once in a while can perk up his day a little. Doesn't have to be expensive. And lastly, any caregiver, no matter the age or physical condition, needs a break once in a while. Do you have anyone (friend, relative, etc) that could sit with you once a week so he could go out for a while - to a movie, or lunch with a friend, or golfing? That break can go a long way towards refreshing and refiring him to go at it again for another week - gives him something to look forward to.

Does he have any friends or outside interest? Walking buddies? Coffee out? Hobbies? Maybe he just needs a little diversion or anticipation. He could be burnt out with routine.

With what is going on in the news these days, I can't blame him for moaning there. Times sure has changed since the good o'l days. The thing is people are not good no more. Be glad you saw the 50's, 60's 70's where people still had good old fashioned values, helped a neighbor, and gave up the chair for the elders. Because these days people are nothing but A. holes and the world is filled with crime and stupidity not to mention the pollution, overcrowding, hunger, and don't forget all the political B.S. Well I am mentioning this from an american perspective but I am sure times have changed at least some for you. Sounds like you have had a good life compared to some. Watch the people on the news that are starving, being killed or abused and be glad your not one of them. Maybe strike up a conversation with your hubby about what is going on in the news when he is watching it. Maybe these things will make you feel better. 
I am sure your husband is wearing down and does not feel very good anymore and that alone will make him more irritable. It is probably getting hard on him.

Buzy and everyone, what a good thread. Random comment to think about: make sure some comedy’s in the house on a regular basis. I don’t know if he’s a bit of a new addict, but it wil totally crap out the mood. A while back I was really getting down and committed to watching enough comedy shows, especially since many are about the simple challenges of home life. I know this sounds small, but I hope you’ll try it. Dig out some old favorites (streaming, DVDs from the library) or look through newer ones that have come out. Friends is a treasure if you haven’t watched from front to back, Big Bang Theory (all ages seem to love that show!), Frasier, and of course movies... depends on your taste. With all the dark shows and movies around, and our addiction to ‘reality’ and facts, I think it can be easy to forget to keep the light and silly in our lives. Wishing you well. :)

Well, while I understand your situation, I know this is so common. Sometimes I think that had I done more or listened more, he would still be with me. My husband was older than I. He was retired and I was still working. I made great money and made sure we traveled a lot. He did All the cooking from day one. I had made pancakes once. Politely, he threw them away and became the cook. I too was born in a generation where we were a very different couple. I doubt you can change your man now and yourself for that manner. Do as much as you can you get enough help and don't make a big deal out of it. He will get used to the help from others. Before you know it, you will both be happy again. I pray it all works out. Remember, you both loved each other.

We have begun the process of settling our estate and buying cremains "niches" and all that fun stuff--while we can do it and then we'll put it to rest.

One of the kind of shocking things that came up: What do we want in terms of care--if he gets sick before me (the most likely event) DH said 'Well, of course I'd expect you to care for me at home until I die". Fair enough, yes, I probably will and I expect that. Reverse that dynamic "what if I get sick and need care" Blank stare: ""I guess I will have to put you in care. I can't do it."

Ouch.

Well, at least he'd upfront and honest, I get to care for him and he'll have me placed.

(The kids will NEVER go for that, BTW).

JeanneGibbs — That’s how my husband and I do it, he drops me at the door, I get the grocery cart/walker and he catches up with me in the store. That’s when I tell him we can spend time together. But in all honesty, he can shop faster and more efficiently by leaving me at home. He said this. So I perceive some impatience on his part.

Veronica91, your hubby could certainly drop you off at the door and you'll have your cart ready by the time he joins you from the distant parking spot. Sometimes both partners can get what they want/need, don't you think?

ff, could you move and SO stay, and go back to a dating status? Might actually be fun!