I've spent the better part of the week looking for alternatives to my dilemma with financing Dad's continued care.
The VA social worker got back to me, and I have toured the VA approved facilities. They are ALL dumps. They would definitely be a step down from the private pay ALF where Dad currently lives, and I'm struggling with the decision to uproot him from where he is and put him somewhere like that. I just don't know what to do.
The team at Hospice was gracious enough to meet with the director of the Adult Day Center (who was on his best behavior -- of course), and despite him saying how much he "misses" Dad, I learned that Dad was never eligible for the free VA program in the first place because he is in ALF.
I didn't mean to throw the director under the bus, but when I was speaking with the VA social worker she was shocked to hear that Dad was in ALF. It looks like the director of the Adult Day Center conveniently omitted this fact which is a shame because now we're both screwed.
Dad seems to be adjusting to staying at the ALF though he doesn't come out of his room much, so pulling him out to put him in the stinky, dingy VA nursing home is a decision with which I'm struggling.
I would really struggle with moving him in with me (sorry if that's mean), but its not like I have a life anyway. I could quit the second job since I would be splitting rent, BUT I would need to hire help and that would cost extra. I worked out the finances today, and even with that option and a different ADC ($75 per day with Dad's health issues), I wouldn't be saving much.
I was raised to BE the best and DEMAND the best. Dad NEVER let me do anything half ass so I recognize I'm personally shouldering self-inflicted burdens. I have no idea what I'm going to do. There's definitely no win-win here.
ADVERTISEMENT
The ONLY way I would even be remotely OK with this would be if Dad was too out of it to know where he was. The room was tiny and of course, the VA only pays for a semi private room. There was ONE chest of drawers and ONE small closet for two people. The residents sleep on old, rickety hospital beds with very little cushion (dad sleeps in a recliner anyway). The toilet is shared, and the communal shower room was DISGUSTING!! Cracked caulking... scuffs on the wall... the floor needed to be buffed. The dining room was a bunch of plastic tables and chairs...
I just CAN'T!!! For a moment I thought there was a ray of hope when I found a VA Family Caregiver stipend program... BUT that is only for vets that served after 9/11.
I'm going to try the place that is actually near the VA hospital (over an hour away), which appears to have been renovated a couple years ago. I'm PRAYING this last one is better. Otherwise, I'll just have to figure something out.
Shortly after my husband developed dementia I was hospitalized. Our kids were worried that I would not recover enough to continue to care for him, so they began a search for a care center. They rejected the VA center they toured because it was kind of dismal, and a staff member told them they were short staffed at the moment so they could only give residents a shower once a week. And yet their staff turnover rate was among the lowest and the residents seemed content. Well, I did recover so that decision never had to be made, but looking back on it now I think maybe the kids were searching for the wrong things.
My sisters found a nursing home for our mother. I was bummed when I first saw it. It was clean and kept-up, but the building was 50 years old, and 50 years ago it didn't have to accommodate the various equipment available now. So it seemed crowded. It was adequate but definitely not lavish. But it turned out to be excellent for Mother. There was staff turnover, as there always is, but there was a large contingent of long-term staff. A lot of staff had or had had family members there. There is a reason for that kind of loyalty. My three sisters and I were able to make good connections with key staff. One of us always attended the quarterly care meetings. Our concerns were always acknowledged.
Mother was content there.
You should continue to be the best and demand the best. But realize that you need the best within the constraints of what Father can afford, and best in what matters most. Very few of us can find/afford the best of absolutely everything. So we need to prioritize what matters most. And that may not always match our "snooty" attitudes!
aplaceformom.com/blog/assisted-living-search-top-mistakes-to-avoid-1-22-13/