My father who was my mother's cargiver for years died suddenly recently from an undiagnosed blood cancer.

I have so much sadness and miss my very loving father who was my best friend and we were a team planning around my mother's care. He did not get good health care and his tiredness and symptoms were put down to caregiver stress and missed by the doctors, sadly when he went to hospital for a check up, unknown to us all he had only a few wks to live and his illness and impending death was a terrible shock to him as he had no idea. He deserved the best and ended up with very poor care. I have a lot of guilt as my mother was always the focus of his life and he always put her first and every one else and never himself . But he was attending his family dr. seeking help and not satisfied. I can now can see how much he was deteriorating in the months before and wish so much I had learned more and pushed more for quality medical care. He was devastated and found it so hard to understand how this could happen as he was always the strong one, drs were hard to pin down and communicate and I was battling daily with them when he was not progressing, but they were slow to diagnose and implement treatment. In the end, he seemed to turn to the wall and not speak and was so, so sad and distressed. He knew he had been let down. Even the palliative team were lacking in compassion and human kindness, all their care was based on giving more drugs and no time on his fears or wishes, I spend most nights with him for security even thought we spoke very little and helped mind him in the last week at home. I have felt very traumatised with flash backs for 2 months and even though that has eased I see the terrible sadness, and disbelief in his eyes during those last weeks before he was giving the syringe drive morphine which put him to sleep. My mother 's dementia care continues and we use paid care with my siblings and I want to spend as much time as possible with her while still have her. And she is aware and knows my father's death does not add up and has such loss and sadness but is doing well. The grief is exhausting and the trauma when I talk about him is just too much afterwards. I expect just have to go day by day but life seems so so empty now and all the worries that can't really be shared as my father was so personally involved .