How to handle taking away Mom's independence?

Talking about days gone by seem to be very memorable for an elder. Their long-term is usually good and short-term is not so much.

You are not taking away your Mom's independence--- her dementia is. You are making decisions to keep her happy, healthy, and safe. You should not focus on explanations; focus on her. Focus on spending time together, talking about old times, looking at pictures, and enjoying the day/hour/minute.

freqflyer's "dorm room" scenario sounds adaptable to your situation as well.

I agree with others' statements about acknowledgement that she has dementia. So, take control for her own benefit. The child becomes the parent. Think of it as when they were your parents and you were a young child, they did things for your benefit without your input without your agreement. And you survived and you turned out just fine! Take that same mindset with Mom. God bless you on this difficult Journey.

First of all this may all be harder on you and more anxiety causing for you than it is for her. I have the sense that you are feeling guilty as well as seeing this an an indication of her getting worse, a negative if you will and while it is of course an indication that her illness has progressed that was always expected and really when a patient has reached the point that they need to move to more skilled care the move is more of a positive than a negative. You have the added assurance that you are doing the right thing from professionals far more skilled than I in forms and stages of dementia saying she needs more hands on care since she is moving from independent living to memory care in a facility. I think it's harder when moving a parent or loved one from a home setting to skilled care to know you are doing the right thing at the right time. Anyway something or a series of things have led everyone to feel it's time for this next step which means your mom is at a stage where this is much better for her and dementia or not part of her may very well know that. The move may make her feel much more secure. Try thinking about this as a good thing, whatever has been a problem and concern with her independent living situation will be resolved and no more fretting over is it time or not, now both you and she can move on to the pluses of the new place, she will have people making sure she's safe 24/7, she will have more help readily available, she will also have more people around both care givers and peers she can socialize with. Often moves like this even though they seem negative produce an upswing in a persons condition. Just the regular forced contact with other patients as well as caregivers to talk to all the time gives them a new lease on life even if they look at it as a drag, the way my mom will, because they feel the need to primp and be presentable each day and can't retread to the radio and bed for the day without anyone knowing, hehehe. I wouldn't "explain" or "present" it to her so much as treat it matter of factly like the expectation it's been since she moved to the facility. It's exciting to move into and arrange a new "space" and it's exciting to shed the fears and troubles of living independently, there isn't anything to explain you all knew she would be moving to this new space at some point and this is the point because it's time. She has earned extra service and attention, now it's time to take advantage by sitting back and enjoying it, both of you. You too have earned less responsibility and wont need to do as much as you have been even since she has been in the independent living section. You now get to just visit and over see making sure she is getting everything she needs and just enjoying as much of her company as possible in the time and place her mind is existing. If she is remembering a time 20 years ago, enjoy the memory with her and let the CNA take her to the bathroom and remind her it's time to eat. I do think they feel our stress and uneasiness so if you are anxious about this transition she may be more uncomfortable with it, if you are upbeat and confident in it she may very well relax and enjoy life too. Good luck and taking care of yourself around and about this is taking care of your mom as well.

Go with the flow slowly and then you could do a little white lie that her doctor recommended that she needs you to help her with driving and finances. Tell her that she needs to get a new state ID. That way you can remind her not allowed to drive anymore. I know it’s hard to do to your parents, but you gotta to do it day by day so that your mom would understand. I did this with my late parents. You need to be patient with your mom. Good luck. Hugs 🤗

I've learned that directing my mom to do something instead of telling her and demanding her to do something works best. She is in the middle of passing from compliant to complacent. She will answer yes to having help with her paperwork then turn immediately to the television. In other words, she is saying that sure it's okay to help me with paperwork but do all of it for me, then ask me the questions or tell me where to sign. Her memory of what to do is gone. There is no more logic to it so you can expect to approach it with the logical knowledge that you once knew in handling a situation. I keep telling my sister we have to be smarter than she is and that doesn't take much but sometimes she outsmarts us with her choices we didn't expect and then we have to do damage control like the time she forgot to pay her medical insurance and then called us with complaints that she couldn't get her prescriptions refilled.

"...most likely suffering from dementia and potential delirium..."?

What do you mean, most likely?

What assessments led to your mother being moved from her ILF to memory care?

Without understanding what has happened so far, I haven't the first idea of what you should tell your mother about it.

Most facilities request that the family take home any of the resident's checkbooks, credit cards, social security and health insurance cards, and most of her cash while leaving only a few dollars with her in her room. Also many facilities have "Trust Funds" that you can put money in to pay for her visits to the hairdresser or if she goes to eat with a group of other residents, or to buy something from the facility "gift shops" if they have one.

My Mom and I moved in together June 2008 about 6 months after my Dad died. Because Mom has Macular Degeneration, we would sit down and pay the bills & write the checks together. Thus Mom could talk about her finances in depth even when Major Depression (so severe that she could no longer do her own ADLs) and Dementia resulted in her hospitalization and admittance to a long term care facility in May 2017. After a minor legal battle to confirm that I am her D-POA & POA-Health Care, Mom would occasionally ask about her finances. I would give Mom a basic overview of her checking account balances and what bills I had paid and what bills I needed to pay and she was satisfied that I was handling her two farms properly.

First you need to read your Mom's D-POA document to see when and what events need to happen for the D-POA to be "activated". My Mom's D-POA could be “activated” whenever she was “disabled or incapacitated” such as when she is in the hospital or a nursing home and is not dependent on any proof of her incompetence.

There have been so many good suggestions of what to tell your Mom about finances that I really can’t add to them. The main thing is to remember is that you cannot reason with someone with Dementia. Frustrating?? Definitely! Feasible?? Yes! You may need to try different responses to see which ones your Mom responds to the best. Good Luck.

laura777, to add to my posting earier.... the facility where my Dad had lived said that when a person has Alzheimer's/Dementia and is at a certain stage, that person actually feels safer in a studio apartment... that way they can see all of their belonging from any spot in the room.

My Dad wanted to make sure all his books would fit in his studio apartment, and thankfully all of Dad's bookcases and all his books did fit. It was like a safe cocoon for him.

Laura, we haven't heard back from you since you wrote your original question. Hope everything is ok.

You cannot reason with dementia. You can only offer love and support. When your elder parent becomes unreasonable remember you can’t reason with them. I’m learning to simply not argue because my mother doesn’t understand it. In a weird way she thinks she can still go home and live independently. Even though she can’t walk, cook, drive, and can’t remember what day it is today she thinks she’ll be okay in a week or so.

You can also tell her that everything is included in one fee and that to take any burden off her you’d like to pay her bills and order her magazines etc.  You don’t explain to us if a POA was set up prior to this. I certainly hope so. If not, then that’s necessary and getting your name on the checking account and her credit card. I have all dad's bills come to me. Most but not all bills are on EFT so that makes it easy. I renew his subscriptions to newspaper and magazines. And take care of filing his taxes. He had no issue with letting me take over even though he was fiercely independent. He knew he couldn’t manage it. Likely so does your mom.

First, Laura, realize that you are not taking away Mom's independence. The behaviors and symptoms that make her unsafe on her own are whittling away at her independence. Her health and the likely dementia are restricting her independence. This is not something you control. I just want to be sure that as you approach this issue you are not feeling guilty or like this is your fault. Don't be defensive!

Be matter-of-fact about this, and try to avoid arguments. "Yes, wasn't your old apartment nice? I'm so glad you got to live there for almost three years. And this new apartment is going to be nice, also. As soon as you get used to it, I'll bet you'll like it even better."

You don't need to convince her that she can't live independently. This new apartment just has more services. As glad says, you can't really explain or reason with dementia.

Laura, when it was time for my own Dad to move from Independent Living over to the facility's Assisted Living/Memory Care I used a "therapeutic fib" to help. I told Dad it would cost him less each month and he liked that idea as he was always very fugal. Told Dad his room would be a college dorm size room, so that became a standing joke, "his dorm room".

My Dad's only concern were the meals. He was soooo happy it would be the same chef.

My Dad let me take over all of the financials earlier on. So I transferred all of Dad's mail over to my house back when he lived in his house. That way I saw what bills he had.

Dad and I had gone to the bank to set up a bank account which would allow me to write and sign Dad's checks for his bills. I made sure I kept copies of the bills and copies of the checks in a 3-ring binder, just in case way down the road Dad may need to sign up for Medicaid.

When she entered Independent living, I would think she was made aware that there would be AL care and eventually LTC care if she needed it. If she can still understand explain that her needs have changed so she needed to move to an apt where people where closer help her. We used to tell Mom she was going to a new apt where she would make new friends. When it comes to finances, tell her everything is included in the cost of the new apartment. She will no longer need her checkbook or credit cards. If she feels she does, they will be safe with you. I would take anything with her personal information on it. Checkbook and statements. License, health cards, SS card etc. The facility has what they need for her care. We would all hope that these facilities do background checks before they hire but even then, I would leave nothing that has monetary or sentimental value. Moms AL had the nicest maintenance man, he was well liked. He was caught stealing jewelry from the residents.

You cannot explain or reason with dementia. Was the move to memory care for a specific reason? Was it recommended by her doc? Many tell loved ones that she is there for better treatment because doc thought it would help.

Financial? I would leave that alone unless mom asks. Will you be doing this as POA? Does the POA require she be incapacitated as determined by two doctors?