Can anyone advise on how to return to a state of well-being after spending time with your loved ones with dementia and having family strife?
I could end my post with that (and you can stop reading to pass the details), but I feel the need to vent hoping it releases this anxiety. My dear mom's dementia leaves her confused, anxious and never peaceful or settled. Dad is exhausted. He and mom argue over small stuff. My older sister is mean-spirited. I don't think she treats our parents respectfully. We've had many arguments over their care and her actions. Sister still acts like a 12-year-old and drags our parents into our disagreements, usually painting me as the bad guy. I never say a word since I know mom and dad don't need the drama, and I choose peace.
However her antics seem to work in creating tension between me and our parents. I've asked her to stop dragging our elderly parents into our disagreements, but she flatly refused. Dad wouldn't talk to me when I called just to say "hi" last night. This breaks my heart.
Prior to my visit with my parents a few days ago, I felt happy and centered. When I came home, I was depressed, lack of energy, had a stomach ache. I think dad's refusal to speak to me last night was due to my sister complaining to him about our last argument since the timing aligns.
This makes me want to never see any of them again, save myself while I still can and run for the hills. Thanks.
It also helps to study the patterns of dysfunctional people, decide not to take it lying down and take action.
For instance, my sociopath sister assaulted my head-injured brother at a picnic in front of 13 people then denied it. The picnic was at my mother's house who of course did nothing. My brother wrote to tell me about this a few months after it happened in Virginia--I was living in Utah. I sent my sister a registered letter telling her that if she assaulted my brother or anyone again I'd file a police report and she'd have court dates, probation, fines and, I hoped, jail. She hasn't bothered my brother again and she's terrified of me.
I also point out to my narcissist mother her myriad of cruelties and manipulations over the years. I tell her that I see what she's doing and that she's ruined our family. She's much more careful knowing that I will expose her.
You must have points of leverage. For instance, my mother lets my brother live in her shed, which violates county and city laws. The prospect of code compliance officers and court terrifies her. She's also driving with dementia and she's driving my brother around town while he sips vodka in the passenger seat.
I'm working on getting decent housing for my brother but my mother will try to block me because she needs to be in control. I'll use the zoning issue to force her not to sabotage my work. I'll keep the driving leverages in my back pocket for now.
Anger energizes. Fight back and you'll feel better.
Your Dad could eventually crash and burn from exhaustion. Try to convince Dad that Mom needs another set of hands to help her. Explain to him, if he will listen, that up to 40% of family caregivers will die leaving behind a love one they were taking care of. Then what? Who will be there for Mom as her dementia keeps going into the next stages. She would need a higher skilled caregiver.
Is your Dad trying to correct whatever your Mom is saying? I know it is normal for people to do that, but when it comes to dementia, it is so much better to just agree with the person who has dementia. I had to teach my Dad to do that with my Mom, and I was so surprised with Dad being in his 90's that he would pull that off. There would be less stress. And "therapeutic fibs" are ok to use.
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I visit my parents and the air is thick with anxiety, frustration and confusion. I try to enjoy time with them, but it seems impossible. When I leave, then they tell me I should do (fill in the blank) for my sister, tell me they love me and I get the heck out of there. I go for a walk outside to clear my mind, work out, eat healthy and sometimes just breathe. Sometimes I think time & space and just letting things "be" is the best we can do for ourselves. Thanks everyone.
I don't think Ginger May's sister *was* there when she visited, though, was she? The sister is believed to have complained to Dad about an argument between GM and sister, but this complaint didn't actually take place in front of GM.
Which does make me wonder, GM - how sure are you about this being the reason for your father's not speaking to you, and why would it be?
And how are you and sister communicating? Over the phone, or what?
My family is so dysfunctional that counselors have told me I "should have been a felon". The only thing that helps me is staying completely away, and for a long time. I saw my mother last November--it was traumatic and I couldn't bear to go back or call. Seven months have gone by and I'm just beginning to feel normal again. I need to talk to her soon and dread it because it will gut me again.
Can you avoid visiting when your sister's there? If your parents are mean or unfair to you, you could see them less and find ways to help from a distance.
Your sister seems to have narcissistic traits--she's triangulating, smearing and making crazy. Those kinds of people don't play fair--you can't reason with or fix them--you can only minimize the damage by staying away.
If you sister calls and tries to initiate a conversation about your parent's care, listen but don't offer much information or your own opinion then end the call when you need to check on something cooking or head out to meet someone or any reason excuse. Put the drama queen at arm's length and keep her there!
It sounds like she has their ear and spends more time with them. If that's the case, there's not much you can do but back off a bit and try to keep peace with your sister. I feel sad for your mom - it sounds like she needs different medications to keep her from being so anxious. I'm sorry you all have to go through this. Is your sister the POA for mom and dad? If so, there's not much you can do but take care of yourself.