Dementia - divorce, care, moving... HELP!!

I'm surprised that divorce is the best route to take. We found that the protections for the community spouse when applying for Medicaid were generous. For example, the wife can give the husband money without the 5 year look back coming into effect. Money saved in retirement accounts "didn't count". The community spouse can keep the house, a car, half of the assets up to a certain number. But spousal protection laws vary from state to state.

Also, if the marriage didn't happen until 2013, and they divorce now, FishyMom's mother will not be eligible to collect on her spouse's Social Security earnings when he reaches full Social Security age. That could be helpful in four or five years.

We also didn’t qualify for in home services

I have not read all the comments and I browsed thru very quickly your situation
We became part of the statistic for elderly care. Mom has beginning dementia/ end stage kidney disease- can not walk along with other ailments
Dad can no longer take care of her
Yes married- limited income and a lot of other financial problems
But with a lot of hard
We got her Medi Cal.
Denied two or 3 times.
Went down to social worker instead of mail / email
And finally received benefits for long term.
I hope this helps
We were denied vetrerns benefits from aid and attendance because dad unfortunately didn’t serve in a war period of active duty
Dont give up

You really need a lawyer that understands Medicaid. You may not want to take him for half but might have to. It depends on Medicaid rules.

@agingmyself yes he specializes in elder law.

Did you see an attorney who specializes in Elder Law?

Stop, you need to see an attorney to advise you. And certainly, don't negotiate anything financial with the husband. If this is a long marriage, comingled money, inheritances, assets brought into the marriage or whatever, you mother is entitled to her share of the martial money. If appropriate it's 50%, it all depends on any pre-nup, any moneys brought into marriage, etc. Please do this as soon as possible and get copies all of the accounts statements, account numbers, financial information, pensions, income tax forms, deeds, and anything financial etc. Better to copy it now, then have it disappear later. Go see mom when step dad's not there and go through the house. Make copies. Time is important.

I have been doing some reading up on the stages of Dementia and I believe she’s entering into stage 6 of 7. Not really sure that’s relevant but still some details.

I should add that we think he fears we will take him for half of everything if hey get divorced, but that’s not the case at all. What we need to figure out is how to get him to be able to continue his life and allow my mom to get on Medicaid. We don’t want/need half to do that. But I think he doesn’t trust us? It’s all very frustrating!

So to provide an update. He calle day sister last Sunday and it got ugly when she said she couldn’t take her in. He started asking her “why don’t you want to take care of your mom? I’ve done it for 5 years, it’s someone else’s turn” then it took an even worse turn when he began with “I hope you don’t have these same genes and this happened to you”. This turn happened when we mentioned that we think divorce might be the best option.

The call was ended and we have consulted an attorney and basically everyone said we don’t have a ton of options at this moment. But divorce is the probably the best option at this point and that it is critical that we all work together so this goes smoothly. We have all sent pleading messages to him to call us and work out a plan with absolutely no response.

Now we have NO IDEA what to do now... we have called out mom and she is ok. So we at minimum know that.

DEBdaughter,
To answer your question....Yes, the 401k is a hypothetical asset.
When a husband is bailing, they cash out or hide their assets first.
It is a red flag that he is not responding to calls, texts, or e-mails.

Repeating: Someone needs to advocate for Mom. And yes, for both of them.

Step dad and you daughters need to consult an elder law attorney. The elder law attorney can help with structuring mom's finances so she can be eligible for long term Medicaid care. This is the middle class benefit of Medicaid. Each state as complicated and must be complied for rules, so therefore, the elder law attorney can help you. For example in California, there are rules for transferring assets to spend down assets. Do it wrong, violate a rule, and eligibility is denied. Also, your stepfather needs assistance too. Since it seems that most likely had both had assets when they entered the marriage, whatever a pre-nup contains must also be reviewed.

You should have several family meetings with your Mom’s husband to determine a course of action. Being a primary care giver and working is extremely, extremely hard, mentally, physically, emotionally, but with proper resources some of the stress and being overwhelmed can be relived. Your mother is still his wife, so there are some legalities to be determined. Research and work together as a team and choose what are the best options for everyone and your mother. It will take ‘work’, but more than a verbal commitment or wish... get together ASAP... this can be resolved

She goes with him to his new state where he is employed. That is his responsibility and there should be no question about it.

Even if he divorces her, she is entitled to something. Divorcing, though, may make it easier for her to get Medicaid. Please don't wait. Its going to be harder to get Medicaid as time goes on.

Her husband may not have to pay for her care. Even if the home were owned jointly, he would be allowed to stay in it. But since its his may not be considered. Depending on the state, his earnings or investments may not count towards their joint assets if he had them before their marriage. At 62 Mom can get SS. Not sure about his future earnings, if he will have to use them for her care. These are questions you need to ask a Medicaid caseworker or pay for a lawyer. Her husband, I think, is legally bound to care for her. They way you discribe Mom, she needs more care then he or you can give. I think the solution should be a nursing home and he has to make the first step. Spouse trumps children. He needs to talk to Medicaid. If they have assets together, she is entitled to half for her care.

You are responsible for nh care. Social security will not cover the additional cost. You fund the remainder. Nursing facilities do not accept partial payment. Problem in Kansas is the backlog for Medicaid. I will have to bring my husband home. Cannot afford the cost. He is incontinent, confused and I cannot lift him. He walks short distances with walker. Council on aging can give you a list of facilities but they do not provide respite care or any caregiving.

The care home my husband is in is 164 a day. I have applied for Medicaid in the state of kansas but approval rate is very slow-up to 6 months to a year. The home will take the social security but you are responsible for the rest. So I am looking at having to come up with about $3000 a month. My income is social security also. I cannot lift him any longer but I may have to take him home. He can walk short distances with a walker, is incontinent and confused. He cannot be left for a second. Council on aging can give you a list of nursing facilities but once again you have to come up with the money for the care. I am hoping the State of Kansas moves on its backlog of Medicaid applications but hope gets me nowhere.

send me, where did you get that he just cashed in his 401K or is that just a hypothetical?

Can I ask how your parents marriage ended? this sounds so much like my mil's situation, except my fil left her the resources he thought she would need - might not have been enough but at least to get started and he tried but she almost immediately gave it to her granddaughter - some for her divorce - and not the one she more immediately made POA, which is another issue that's been raised, if not here, then somewhere, is that still valid now that she's remarried and furthermore we're not sure if it's just financial or includes medical as well, other than it seemed as she began having problems POA did not want to be involved, said granddaughter that got mom's money has now remarried but she and said husband have sold everything they had at his family's place and bought next to her parents for her dad to build them a house there but now he's gotten cancer so they're living with them and her mom's in bad shape besides, so they're in no position to take care of mil - fil was working but has now had to stop - they are both of retirement age - to stay home with her - something he had just spend 12 yrs. doing with his previous wife - not that you ever know what the future holds but something he was not expecting with mil, but beyond that, with the provisions that had been made by fil and what she did with family, he did not expect to be the one responsible and we're not really sure he is, is he?

Well, if he's not answering calls or messages it makes it a bit difficult.

Can anyone go and visit them any time soon?

I have to say, the poor man must be tearing his hair out. Of course she's your mother, and you naturally want the best for her, but don't let that prevent you from assessing their situation objectively. If it isn't going to end up in a terrible mess you will need his co-operation.

The situation also brings to my mind a comparable one I know of where the wife is showing clear signs of dementia and her husband has simply upped sticks and left the country. I think very badly of him for it, I think he's an irresponsible cad, but it does shed a different light on how your stepfather is behaving. At least he has demonstrated an interest in protecting your mother and looking for workable options for her. I should get on board with that, if I were you.

Masonnic, this is very challenging. I’m sure that members here will have many comments. Can you pose your question by starting a new thread? That way people with experience with this will be able to respond. Scroll down to where it says “Ask a question.”

What can yo do when a FTD patient paces in and out all day and doesn't understand what you are telling them this is driving me crazy help

wrightabshire.com/

Here is an elder attorney with all the right credentials. Look for one in stepdads area. He needs someone that knows the ropes that can handle it all for him.

He has been dealing with this awhile now and trying to work. It must feel overwhelming to need to move with her in her current condition.

Does he have children living near by that may have been helping him with her?

Texas is a community property state. While you aren’t willing to take her in, and I’m not saying you should, it’s good you are trying to help him find solutions. Let us know how you handle this.

It sounds to me like step-dad has been trying to care for Mom the best he can--cameras to watch her, selling her car to protect her.
Perhaps you could research Elder Law attorneys in their area and suggest that he make an appointment to see about getting her qualified for Medicaid. He need not lose his home and income for her care, and a good elder law attorney can accomplish that.
You might also want to research and visit care facilities to see what might be suitable for her.

Not a lawyer here, but available online:
"Section 2.401 of the Texas Family Code holds that a common law marriage is one in which no formal marriage ceremony was held, no marriage license was obtained and the parties had: ... live together in Texas as husband and wife. hold themselves out to others in Texas as husband and wife.Jul 5, 2017".

AND THEN THEY WERE MARRIED!

Your statement, I think, is reflecting a defeatist attitude when you say:
"My best guess is that he doesn’t want to give up a lot of money to do this. Which limits us".

The divorce laws are the laws.....oops, he just cashed in his 401 K.

I agree if they went the divorce route she would have some assets. And that would also enable us to use those assets (funds) to put her in a home and go the route of a spend down until she has only her SS left. My best guess is that he doesn’t want to give up a lot of money to do this. Which limits us. I think that we need to all get together and find an attorney and figure out what’s best for all parties or the least impactful for my mom.

If he moves he will sell, I have checked and it doesn’t appear that it’s currently for sale. They sold her car a couple of years ago because she would drive off and get lost (very scary).

Oh and I searched for their marriage info online and they legally got married in 2013 but they cohabitated from at least 2006.

This time is crucial for advocacy and being there for your Mom.
In some states, after 11 years of marriage, she would get support. Unless there was a pre-nuptial signed, she has 1/2 of the marital assets, including furniture.

You think she has no assets, but the truth of that may be more likely that she will not be able to receive government supports because of the assets in divorce. Even though he owned the home prior to marriage, she would be entitled to 1/2 of the increase in equity from the value at time of marriage to the present time: 11 years.
There may be cars, other investments.

You don't know that he is selling the house or has already sold it. Or selling the furniture off, and other assets. She needs an attorney. There may be debts.

She needs help now, from family. Try googling homes for sale at their address.

Like I said, boots on the ground. Try a phone call, personal contact, and friends on FB.

Wishing this is a false alarm is not going to work out.

This time is crucial for advocacy and being there for your Mom.
In some states, after 11 years of marriage, she would get support. Unless there was a pre-nuptial signed, she has 1/2 of the marital assets, including furniture.

You think she has no assets, but the truth of that may be more likely that she will not be able to receive government supports because of the assets in divorce. Even though he owned the home prior to marriage, she would be entitled to 1/2 of the increase in equity from the value at time of marriage to the present time: 11 years.
There may be cars, other investments.

You don't know that he is selling the house or has already sold it. Or selling the furniture off, and other assets. She needs an attorney. There may be debts.

She needs help now, from family. Try googling homes for sale at their address.

Like I said, boots on the ground. Try a phone call, personal contact, and friends on FB.