The memory care person called...

Initially ALs don't take Medicaid. To have Medicaid you can't have any money. Some, after two years of private pay and money has run out , will take Medicaid if they haven't met their quota.

So sorry.

Thank you, and thank you all, for the helpful advice. Going into this I admit I had no clue. And sometimes I still feel I don't have a clue, but you all have helped me a lot and I appreciate it! It's so hard doing the legwork on your own, and it feels like I am doing the majority of it on my own. And my own family doesn't get it that these things take time. It would be so much easier if I was driving so I could get some of this stuff done. I guess that is the hardest part for me; I can talk and talk about what needs to be done, but, as I am sure you know, or others know, if the people around you can't or won't follow through, you can talk or tell them all you want but it still doesn't happen.

So, in the meantime, my daughter will be doing 24 7 in home care, not my choice, she has her own life and family to deal with. My husband doesn't do much for his mom, but he does get groceries (and it seems like we go through a bunch of them).
I know what needs to be done. Now, the people around just need to figure out what to do next.

Thank you again for everything! I'm sure this won't be the last time you all hear from me.

You want an honest answer, Lost? Yes, you are wrong. Your heart is big and in the right place, but bottom line is, your MIL is not your responsibility. You’ve said in other posts that you have more or less taken over everything for her, from caring for her to cleaning out her house,finding a facility and finding funding. Is your daughter getting paid to be grandma’s caregiver? I know you were asking about a Care Agreement at one point. Is your daughter truly ok with giving up her life to care for grandma? What will she do when grandma passes?

Where is your husband in all this? I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned him or if he’s any help with his mom at all. But you have mentioned his family is judgmental and critical of you. From what youve said, it IS up to you where MIL goes because it sounds like you’re the only one who is being proactive about anything that has to do with her. IMHO, if you, with all your other issues, say it’s time for her to go, you deserve the cooperation and support of your in-laws.

Only you and your daughter know when enough is enough. Only you can approach your husband and his family and tell them that. We can’t make up your mind for you. As long as you’re on the fence about this, your life won’t get any easier. We’re always here if you need us, but you’re the boss of you. No one else. Good luck and God bless!

I just wanted to make sure she is taken care of, although I don't understand why. I think for the time being she will stay here as long as my daughter, her granddaughter is willing to provide her with 24 7 care. The MC person agrees with all my points. I know I need to step back and take care of myself, but it is easier said than done in this case. If it were up to me my mil would be in a place where she could get 24 7 care not here. The MC, I think, that called me back is fantastic, except for the 3 points. But, her own children, I feel, should be responsible for doing all of this themselves as I don't drive. Am I wrong in this thinking?

Lost, was the MC person calling about putting your MIL in their facility. Did you know that these facilities cost upwards of $5,000 a month? What did she say to you to cause you to tell her that it should be the kid’s decision to place her? Was she under the impression that it was up to you? You know you can’t please everyone, right? Don’t try. It won’t work. What can you do? Like we’ve said before, step back. Time to take care of yourself. Wrap all this responsibility for making all these decisions regarding your MIL up in a nice, neat little package and hand it to your husband and his family. Stop punishing yourself with this. It’s time to take care of you.