I resent my father for how he’s treated me over the years.

Well, misery, you have more company. Now I know what you mean about the lack of a dementia diagnosis ! We met with the hospice social worker today, and even with every other dire diagnosis on his list he somehow didn't make the dementia cut. Even with POAs he can't get hospice help if he doesn't want it. And he doesn't! After a decent few days he unleashed on me with the social worker and my brother witnessing. She said that he obviously has it and we should talk to his doctor. My brother was humiliated at how I was being treated by our father. I don't think there is room to tell of all of the hassle I've been through with him. oh well. At least I'm old. You're too young to have to do what you're doing, and I hope you get relief soon.

This is the first online community I've ever joined, so seeing personal responses to my tearful, frustrated comments really touched my soul. I was about to crack but my aunt felt compelled to take a Saturday shift for me and talk to her brother about how mean and abusive he's been to me. She told him that he was making me sick and if he kept up his relentless barrage of demands and abuse he would find himself in a nursing home. She called my brother to take Sunday so I got a weekend off! She took the next Saturday . He is still bossy and calls me a dozen times a day but hasn't been mean. His home health nurse, who has also suffered his meanness , has set up an appointment with a hospice social worker tomorrow so he can get more medical care. It is much easier to bear when he's not yelling and cussing. I don't expect it to last but I am grateful for the respite and my aunts love in action. She has been through worse with her mother, but as she and I discussed, her mother had always been kind and loving to her. It is different with a parent who has always been abusive. When this is over for me I vow to remember and give a day off to someone else who needs it! And seewill, don't feel bad about how your feelings might look on paper! This is obviously a no judgement zone! I felt bad for laughing at one persons long (and well written) tale because I could relate so well! A little dark humor is sometimes better than wine.

It looks so horrible when it written down. Yes, he's always been horrible. He's been worse to me than to my siblings. My siblings are doing a lot more than I am and I would feel like I am letting them down. The assistance with my father just sort of happened as it gave them some time off from their burden. I don't do it out of love for him but out of love for my siblings.  It has been going on for years now. Thanks for the suggestions and I'll try to do some of them. My father is 91 and needs to be in a nursing home but my siblings are determined to keep him at home. I'm 65. They are good to him and I feel like I must be the devil for what I'm feeling. He treated me like shit and now I'm suppose to turn around and take care of him???

The expectations of others are not remotely important to any actions you need to take. If your dad expects you to care for him, also not important. If it's that there seems to be some unwritten rule that adult kids become caretakers of parents, it's also not relevant. You actually get to chose how much of a caretaker you want to be. Whatever you decide is OK and you don't have to explain the reasons for it.
I am in a similar situation with both elderly parents that I don't want to care for them. I've done a lot for them, put up with a lot of their crap as a kid, and they don't deserve my devotion. I fantasize about going no-contact with them and I have since I was a teenager, but guilt takes over. They aren't close to dying. My agony could go on for years. You aren't alone.

Iamnotme, My Dad could be like your Dad. Moms fault because she catered to him. I found if I put my foot down he went along. He would not use a walker and he was passed using a cane even though he did. Took him to the doctors. Had to walk from the car, stop to sit in foyer, walk to an elevator, up a couple of floors hanging on for dear life to the bars, then walking ten ft (TG) to the doctors office. I told him the next time a walker. When he went again, I got a walker from work and he used it. When we got home he gave it back and told me to get rid of it. He was not going to use it. I know its hard. The first time I spoke up to my Dad and he did what I asked, I felt victorious. As members will tell you, boundries. Your Dad needs to treat you as an adult. Tell him that please and thank you go a long way and you expect him to use them or youbwon't do for him. When he yells, walk out the door. Its not your fault he is where he is and you shouldn't take his abuse. And that is what it is, abuse.

How DID you get stuck with this?

That is kind of what we are all wondering? It'll be easier to suggest ways forward if we understand how you got to where you currently are.

Meanwhile, though. How your Dad sees things is not the only valid point of view, you know. Yours is equally important.

This stage in caregiving, the one where good intentions are just not enough to make the days bearable, is H*ll. I do truly feel for you.

I'm in the same boat with my father. He seems to just expect me to serve him. He doesn't converse anymore - only barks orders and yells. I know he's frustrated but it is really driving me insane and physically ill myself. I can't stand it much longer. How do you just opt out of this ? How do you just put someone in a nursing home? He has been verbally abusive and physically (not sexually) abusive when I was a teenager. How did I get stuck with this??? I have a sibling who hates him and just doesn't participate . I forgave him for the past long ago but the only thing left is his worst self. How do people get away with just simply not participating in this nightmare? I would never want my son to live like this because of me. I've told him that if I lose my mind and get mean and crazy put my a$$ in a nursing home. My father just sees it as my daughterly duty which is certainly not love

We need more info if you want us to help.

How old is Dad? How old are you? What kind of treatment was there? Who expects and what are your responsibilities.

Carla is exactly right. Stomping your feet and railing at the situation is ok for a while, but what other options are available? Can he be placed into a facility? Who forced you into this situation, or did you volunteer under the wrong impression of what it would be like?

You sound very angry and frustrated. Those are common emotions for us caregivers. 1/2 of my life I’m angry and the other 1/2 I’m frustrated.

When you cool off, make a handwritten list of your options and the consequences of those options. Try to keep your thoughts in the present. Old hurts die hard, I understand this. But it doesn’t do any good to ruminate over them when you’re trying to find a solution to a problem.

What do you mean when you say that you are expected to help care for him? Who is expecting that? Him? Your mother? Your siblings? Yourself? Is there enough other help that it would be feasible for you to just bow out and say you can't do it? Are you willing to leave the load on whoever is left? Or leave him to fend for himself, if that's what would happen?

Wishing he would die is understandable, but what are the options that are actually available to you? And what is motivating you to care for him since you don't want to?

Sounds like you need to step back from the level of care you're currently providing.

Although this sounds extreme I understand your inner feelings. Was he a terrible father all your life? My mother was a distant one. Kind but not on top of alot.