The visit

She, I know it doesn’t help to hear that you’re not alone, but you aren’t. My life mirrors yours except that my husband is clear of mind, just immobile and bedridden. I have two children with families of their own who, when it comes to helping with Dad, are worthless. I do what I can with the house, but when my newest grandson was born In August, my son told me he would not bring him to the house to meet his grandfather because, in so many words, out house is “toxic” and he doesn’t want his baby exposed. No help or respite is ever offered. Daughter knows who to text for babysitting, but not to ask how Dad is.

You and I need to unzip our mouths and ask for help. They have no idea what we need until we vocalize it. When Daughter breezes in (tell her sans doggies) tell her you’re leaving and will be back in the evening. Don’t ask and don’t give her a choice or time to flap and doodle about it. Just go. Let her make lunch and throw a load of sheets in. If she’s in healthcare, she should need no training.

Keep us posted. I’m using precious fuel at almost $4 a gallon to go to my daughters today and sit around her pool just to get away.

It might be time for the nursing home. I work full time and have a young son and tried to give my stepmom care giver breaks one full weekend a month. She loved it but it did nothing to offset the 24/7 grind with only 2 breaks of two hours per week for running errands. She put off necessary health treatments etc. It took me yelling at her after I took care of dad for five days that she was killing herself and providing substandard care (he wouldn't take his meds right - he wouldn't eat right, etc). Fast forward three months and was thriving in the nursing home - round the clock care by rested, younger (step mom was in her 70's) people who work eight hour shifts and go home.

Good luck - I don't think your daughter can do enough at this point that it will matter. You seem exhausted and with all of the incontinence issues - time for more help than you can do at home.

She1934....
BIG CYBER HUGGZ🤗

I do understand that having a relatively neat home or a clutter-free home can be soothing, and when things get messy that can be psychologically distressing. But I don't quite see what that has to do with daughter's visits. Keep your house as neat or messy as you please. If Daughter happens to catch it at a time between cleanings, so what? In fact, running around doing extra cleanings is giving a false impression of how things are in your life. OK, maybe, for casual friends, but not really a good idea with family, in my opinion.

I made the treats for my grandson's wedding reception. A granddaughter and her friend were in charge of getting the treats and the serving dishes to the venue. They arrived at my house just as I was leaving to be in the family photo session. I stopped them at the door, asked them to raise their right hands, and to take this vow: "I hereby solemnly swear to not judge my dear grandmother's housekeeping by the state of her house today." They both laughed. "Oh Gramma! I've never seen your house messy!" "Then you are in for a first-time experience!"

I've been baking (and freezing) for weeks, and I've been dealing with some minor health issues. The house has gotten beyond even my high tolerance for clutter. My priority has been getting those treats done. I'm looking forward to restoring the house to order now. Take me as I am, dear family! And since we are talking wedding, take me for better and for worse! I assure you, I love you that way, too!

Your priority is taking care of your husband, I assume. And that includes giving him a reasonably orderly and clean house. But the state of your house for a daughter's visit does not have to be a priority, in my opinion.

I'm impressed that she asks if it is OK to come today. That may be her healthcare background, and her understanding of the ups and downs of illnesses. It is OK to say, "You know we love to have you, but tomorrow or Friday would be much better days do visit." She asks, and you can answer honestly.

It is also OK to say, "Dad loves your dogs, but he is beginning to be overstimulated by that much commotion. Could you come without them this time?" Or, "Let's all go out to lunch instead of the store." or "It is so nice of you to take Dad out. Sometimes the store is too stimulating for him. See what you think this time and I'll also let you know how he does afterward, and we can decide about next time." Or "We'd love to see you today, honey, but I need some time to myself. Could you possibly come Tuesday or Sunday instead, and stay with him most of the day? I'm going stir crazy here!"

For all I know, your daughter may prefer to leave the dogs home and she just brings them thinking it is a favor to Dad. There is a great value in open communication, I think.

Pep see-I so appreciated your words and send you hugs and care as you try to navigate this awful journey. I began, as I re-read my posts, to realize that "of course!" A healthcare worker, especially one whose loved one -her dad, is not going to see things as I do. She deals with patients like this every day. She cannot conceive if her dad being like that and she is numb to it, and what she does see something that she is totally removed from at work. I need to put myself in that place too and be more understanding of her fears. But again, I am sorry for what you are going through. Nothing in this life prepares us for caring for a parent who is so ill. You just do the best you can. 🌻

She, overlook the "snippy" answers. I chalk it up to personalities. We all mean well and some don't pussy foot around.

Where are you moving too? Another question, since ur husband in this far into his Alz/dementia why not a nursing home?

I agree with you about about a straighten up house. Neither am I a great housekeeper but I make my bed ( or my DH does). Feel it makes the room look better. My kitchen is seen right as you walk in the front door so I want it to look nice. Daughter has been living here since Sept. She cooks her meals and...leaves the mess saying she will clean up the mess. I end up doing it. I went around yesterday picked up her shoes and put in her room and all the little things and put them in a bag she had out. She is moving out in two weeks. Will miss her but it will be nice to have my house back.

Suggestion. To get those smells out of the room, use bowls of vinegar out of the way of hubby. Believe me it works. I used vinegar soaks on Moms clothes. Sometimes all night long.

We allow venting here so warn us that is what you are doing.

Virtual Assistant Receptionists are legitimate work from home and is a rapidly growing industry.

Thank you for your honesty! I came to this site for just that. Some days I feel like you do now. Then some days I can't keep it together, and just keep crying like a friggin jerk.

Mom can't sit up any more. She has an episode of some sort, a TIA, stroke, flops over, making some gutteral moans. I just bought her a bed pan to pee in. And I don't even know what side goes under her butt.

All day I've been laying next to her holding her hand and crying.

Yeah, it's one of those days for me too. Sorry for blabbing. And you don't sound selfish at all! Just human.💖🌹

Your pain and sense of being overwhelmed at what life has thrown you comes across loud and clear. I truly wish I had something to offer that would make it all better. I feel your sorrow and sense of loss and can only wish for you better days ahead, times of peace, and rest, knowing it’s not nearly enough

Thanks you for your mostly thoughtful and caring answers as well as the advice and yes even the somewhat snippy answers. I understand that my comments may have seemed somewhat selfish and ungrateful. And that is true. They are. But as with many caregivers, I am finding it very difficult, if not, nearly impossible, to cope with the hundreds of changes that have taken place in my life this past three years. I have never needed wealth, have always worked and found great joy and challenges that I felt pride in meeting in any work I have done. I have never lived in or owned or even needed a fancy home, buy almost all of my clothes at consignment stores and have fun finding bargains. I have driven one new car in my life and it became the settlement in my husband's divorce. Now, I can no longer work outside the home, have had to give up volunteer teaching and othe volunteer work because I cannot afford respite care except when absolutely needed for family. I have tried and tried to find a work-from-home situation, as I have excellent computer skills, but the so-called "work from home" jobs are either "work outside the home" with reports done from home or scams or sales. My home now looks and smells like an old people's bedroom as my husband spreds his belongings and everything he uses all over, on the floor - and though I have tried to protect the carpet next to his bed, he moves the protection I have placed there when he gets up (which is rare these days)to use the bedside commode, so I clean the area every morning with special cleaner and still the smell is uthere. He sleeps until his underwear S is soaked and so is the bed pad and his shirt. He gets up several times a night and though he can barely stand, he can take off the wet underwear and wet tee shirt and put on clean ones. But this morning he went through every drawer, emptying clothes onto the floor, looking for god knows what. I have cases of disposable underwear, cases of pads as well as washable pads, cases of special foods that he now "must have", weeks old newspapers that he just sits and folds and unfolds -occasionally actual reading an article , (which amazes me), but primarily uses to try to order things found in those full page ads for prostrate help or other men's products. Fortunately he no longer has any type of credit card. And if I hear one more time about how terrified he must be because he can't remember things or he is confused, I will scream myself hoarse.  I try to involve him in simple games and offer photo books so that he can, in some way look at his life. My entire day from early morning until he finally falls asleep at around 11, is spent trying to provide him with a quality of life and to sandwich in housekeeping chores and healthy meals. I do rely some days on convenience and frozen foods, but these are on those really bad days. I have never kept an immaculate home, but I am so much more relaxed when things are clean, fairly tidy and organized. If I really did "let it all hang out", I'd hate it, and that is why this is so hard, I believe one's home should be relaxed and just that-homey-comfortable-inviting-not in a design mazaine way, but for for real people. I hate the chaos. Right now it is 100 degrees outside and he wants to take the dog for a walk. Have tried explaining that this is not healthy for him or his dog and that we could go in the morning while it is still cool, but he denies that it is too hot-and it is smokey from fires as well. Enough!!! I am so sorry-it just gets to be too much. So I return to this site and I do not scream and I do not collapse and I do try so hard not to lose completely the next battle, but to create some peace. Yes, I am burned out. Yes I have spoken directly to his children. But I cannot force them to understand. Forgive me.

Sounds like interesting times at the house.

Do you watch the dogs while they went to the store?

She
My Mom's life was Never easy, ever. However, I always saw her as a strong woman. Able to handle every sh*t show life had to throw at her. She always worked, never slowed down, nor sulked, cried or complained.

Even as selfish adults we dropped things in her lap, and she dealt with it. We didn't feel she could not handle everything because she just kept going, did what needed to be done.

It wasn't until fairly recently I realized Mom's overwhelmed. She let me in, she showed her vulnerable side....she cried and told me she was in pain. I held her, right there I knew I needed to step up and help her. And I did.

I don't know if you're the *handle it all* type Mom. But maybe you need to let it all out to your daughter. Woman to woman. Be vulnerable, it's ok. Tell her you feel alone, stressed and overwhelmed. You're mourning your husband, the man he once was. Trust her, let her in. When we speak from the heart, we speak to the heart.💕

You are being overly generous to daughter. Is she a step-daughter?

I understand that you do it that way, cleaning, working harder.  But speaking up is the only thing that will save you from an early grave. It also sounds like Dad is overly stimulated by her visits, going out.
My elderly loved one states that he is upset by his daughter's visits. We don't know what to do or say yet to help him, because it is his daughter.

Tell her you will go to the store, and she can stay with Dad at home--he doesn't feel like going out today. Would that work?

This is not just about the work ....I hear you....the sadness of him forgetting and how others don't see that.  The illness that has taken him from you.  {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Time to bring in help?  

"But &$@?'!!"

Totally! Healthcare worker or not, she seems clueless. Have you tried just asking her point blank to come for a day next time, to give you a true break? And without the dogs?

If you are running around clearing up before her visits she may think you are coping better than you are in reality, she's your daughter not company so let it all hang out!